The Fish
for 27 August 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[John 'too tall' Pike]
John Pike
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Apple and Microsoft: A Fable

"Moral: There is no God"

True enough, but what has that
got to do with the Microsoft
Apple merger? Apple, believe
it or not, is far too
important to Microsoft at the
present time to allow it to
die. Why? Applications and

What do I mean by that? As a
user of both PCs and Macs,
Mac wins hands down in the
graphics, publishing, and
multimedia apps areas. But
wait! What's this? Software
producers frightened by
Apple's dwindling market share
are jumping ship! They're
going cross-platform! Adobe!
Specular! They're all
converting to ASCII!

Not to mention the fact that
Microsoft stole the GUI from
Mac (who stole it from Xerox,
but nobody ever talks about

Microsoft just isn't finished
with Apple yet. However, I
don't think that it will be
all that long before we see
PowerMac 9600s sitting next
to the Amigas in our local
used computer store.

Maybe there is a God, but
Apple has to find a new Satan
to hate and fear now.

Spiritually Dead,
Mike Kirsch

But Apple was a seed that fell
on rocky soil and could not
grow, and Microsoft is a bird
that swoops down and pecks up
the seed. Then the bird takes
the seed to a pitcher half
full of water, and drops it
in, along with a bunch of
other crap, until the water
level rises high enough for
the bird to drink. When the
bird has had enough water, it
goes on a long flight and
leaves a steady trail of bird
shit all over the little
people down below - that's
you and me, see?

Keep studying the fables set
before you and in time you,
too, will see the truth.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, Sucksters!!

As an ex-employee, downsize
victim, for 12 years minus 4
days, of Apple, and now, a
highly reluctant sometime
user, mediocrity victim, of
Microsoft products, I have to
say that your little fable
did more to sum up the Apple
vs Microsoft S&M
relationship, than all the
so-called technology pundits
put together lengthwise.

I still believe that if Apple
goes away, we all lose.
Microsoft has never sold
anything of any quality,
except maybe Excel....

The new breed of computer
consumers are meek little
know-nothings who buy for
price, and after an intense
emotional investment to get
the damn thing to just work,
they think that they now have
the best there is! No
kidding! My 7-year-old Mac
IIci works just fine. But
Apple's quality control has
gone by the wayside in the
past few years, forcing those
of us in that camp to justify
user-friendly crashes.

After 20-some years in the
personal-computer (note, not
PC) arena, it is all very
depressing. Some days I
really feel like taking up

Rt. Rev. Neal Johnson

Those in the personal-computer
business are like little
flies, circling around rotten
fruit until they're dizzy and
have to sit down for a while
and let the queasiness pass.
Once the queasiness passes,
they can get out their easels
and paint, but usually they
just go into business
consulting, which is thriving
under the currently robust
fly economy.

Fish With Letter Icon


I just popped into Suck for a
little light entertainment
and I get a mind-blowingly
brilliant fable on such a
topical subject close to many
of our hearts. With tinges of
humor and truth and irony and

I loved it! Suck, you have
refound your brilliance -
long may it live!

Jason Kitcat


Brilliance is a tricky little
fly who specializes in
business consulting. You
think you have a 4 o'clock
with this tricky fly, and he
never shows! Later, when
you're scarfing pizza and
watching The Simpsons that
night, he barges in, eats
half your pizza, and leaves
you a sealed container.

You open the container, and
it's filled with
fresh-squeezed lemonade. That
gives you a really good idea!
You pour the lemonade down
the drain, go to the store,
buy some lemons, and come
home and make lemonade, and
it's good. But afterwards,
the whole project seems to
have a high effort-to-return
ratio, so you vow to buy
powdered lemonade the next
time you get a craving.

Fish With Letter Icon

It is time for all those
fanatical Apple lovers to
quit moaning and get with the
program. Like it or not,
Gates rules our desktops.
Life's a bitch. I have never
been able to understand this
obsession with a brand of
lackluster machines. Apple
lovers, it's time to move out
of your parents' basement,
dump all your porn links, and
get a real machine so you can
start bitching about Windows
95 like the rest of us.

Bradley Messmer

Apple lovers are like flies
who refuse to go into
business consulting because
their standards are too high,
so instead they're
desperately poor. Then they
get work in the local coffee
shop, pulling lattés
for business consultants
every morning. And flies who
are business consultants
don't tip very well.

Fish With Letter Icon

Apple and Microsoft: A Fable


I read your cartoon in Suck
and thought it was in very
poor taste.

GOD is real and alive ...
sometimes you may not feel
like he is, but look around.

How can you have all the many
blessings surrounding you and
not see that HE is there and
loves even YOU.

Better to remain silent and
thought a fool than to speak
and remove all doubt.

Polly ... Think about it the
next time you see a bird fly
or a sun set.... Is it only
by chance that the world
order is as perfect as it

I hope you will do more than
erase this message. GOD LOVES

<Name Withheld>

God loves even the tasteless?
I find that hard to believe.

If God is the epitome of good
taste, and all things that
deny God are lacking in
taste, than why didn't God
skip this Bible crap and just
write a book of good manners?
"And then the Lord spake:
'Blue and Green never
together shalt be seen.'"

I read your letter and thought
your lack of tolerance for
viewpoints other than your
own was in very poor taste.


Fish With Letter Icon

You are correct about the
moral to the demise of Apple.
I became an atheist long ago,
but if this helps the rest of
your viewers find their way
to the grip of reality, more
power to everyone. Bill and
Microshaft proved again that
Americans (and the world) are
suckers to slick packaging,
snake-oil sales techniques,
and society's collective rush
to cum, our world of "gotta
have it even if I know it'll
be obsolete in two minutes."
People stand oblivious to it
all, like the cow before

Well the world SHOULD give a
fuck about this, even those
pimple-faced PC geeks who
use their precious Pentiums
in the pursuit of finding
nude Courtney Cox pics on the
Web. Our world is passing
over "tilt" in the
information age, and one
company is soon going to own
all the software that
controls all of what we are
in society - numbers. And this
doesn't make people nervous?
Well, we can be proud of you
American readers. George
Orwell's totalitarian
apocalypse started right
here, in what will now only
once in a while be looked
back on as "land of the
free," but what's free?

The next version of Windows 97
won't be, in fact it will
come with a tube of KY jelly.
You'll not only need it after
shelling out the cash but
also because of how you feel
after you get the "new" system
running on a mere one gig of
your hard drive.... Hey people,
how much of a choice are you
going to have in 2001? What's
that? That high-end graphic
stuff you're working with
looks shitty on that machine?
It keeps crashing and it's
taking three days to reload
Windows NT? Well too fucking
bad, sit down and shut up!
Just call Microscrew's new
900 number, it's only $20 a
minute with a guaranteed
10-minute hold. How's that for
freedom! How do you feel now?

With Apple, there may be no
other company in history that
so spookily forecast its
demise. From showing in
its 1984 campaign, a
statement of rebelling from
conformity to now submitting
to it. I don't know about
you, but I'm going to start
some serious drinking before
they start rationing the
alchohol to numb the senses.

Thank you Sucksters for
continuing to throw the
perimeter floodlights on so
much that's wrong and handle
it with prose and

From your fellow pragmatist,
Sucker Punch

Hey - who needs facism to
start drinking? Beat the rush
and bottoms up! George Orwell
probably said it best, of
course: "If you want a
picture of the future,
imagine booze stamping on a
human face - forever."


Fish With Letter Icon

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