The Fish
for 26 August 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Producer

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

[John 'too tall' Pike]
John Pike
Production Manager

 

Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Apple and Microsoft: A Fable

Polly,

I read your cartoon in Suck
and thought it was in very
poor taste.

GOD is real and alive ...
sometimes you may not feel
like he is, but look around.

How can you have all the many
blessings surrounding you and
not see that HE is there and
loves even YOU.

Better to remain silent and
thought a fool than to speak
and remove all doubt.

Polly ... Think about it the
next time you see a bird fly
or a sun set.... Is it only
by chance that the world
order is as perfect as it
is?

I hope you will do more than
erase this message. GOD LOVES
EVEN YOU.

<Name Withheld>

God loves even the tasteless?
I find that hard to believe.

If God is the epitome of good
taste, and all things that
deny God are lacking in
taste, than why didn't God
skip this Bible crap and just
write a book of good manners?
"And then the Lord spake:
'Blue and Green never
together shalt be seen.'"

I read your letter and thought
your lack of tolerance for
viewpoints other than your
own was in very poor taste.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

You are correct about the
moral to the demise of Apple.
I became an atheist long ago,
but if this helps the rest of
your viewers find their way
to the grip of reality, more
power to everyone. Bill and
Microshaft proved again that
Americans (and the world) are
suckers to slick packaging,
snake-oil sales techniques,
and society's collective rush
to cum, our world of "gotta
have it even if I know it'll
be obsolete in two minutes."
People stand oblivious to it
all, like the cow before
slaughter.

Well the world SHOULD give a
fuck about this, even those
pimple-faced PC geeks who
use their precious Pentiums
in the pursuit of finding
nude Courtney Cox pics on the
Web. Our world is passing
over "tilt" in the
information age, and one
company is soon going to own
all the software that
controls all of what we are
in society - numbers. And this
doesn't make people nervous?
Well, we can be proud of you
American readers. George
Orwell's totalitarian
apocalypse started right
here, in what will now only
once in a while be looked
back on as "land of the
free," but what's free?

The next version of Windows 97
won't be, in fact it will
come with a tube of KY jelly.
You'll not only need it after
shelling out the cash but
also because of how you feel
after you get the "new" system
running on a mere one gig of
your hard drive.... Hey people,
how much of a choice are you
going to have in 2001? What's
that? That high-end graphic
stuff you're working with
looks shitty on that machine?
It keeps crashing and it's
taking three days to reload
Windows NT? Well too fucking
bad, sit down and shut up!
Just call Microscrew's new
900 number, it's only $20 a
minute with a guaranteed
10-minute hold. How's that for
freedom! How do you feel now?

With Apple, there may be no
other company in history that
so spookily forecast its
demise. From showing in
its 1984 campaign, a
statement of rebelling from
conformity to now submitting
to it. I don't know about
you, but I'm going to start
some serious drinking before
they start rationing the
alchohol to numb the senses.

Thank you Sucksters for
continuing to throw the
perimeter floodlights on so
much that's wrong and handle
it with prose and
intelligence.

From your fellow pragmatist,
Sucker Punch

Hey - who needs facism to
start drinking? Beat the rush
and bottoms up! George Orwell
probably said it best, of
course: "If you want a
picture of the future,
imagine booze stamping on a
human face - forever."

Salud!

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Ne'errative Do Well

Subject: TV is like God only
real.

I sense some hostility by your
person towards TV. Perhaps
these facts will change your
mind.

Number of world wars
instigated by Germany before
TV: 2. Number of world wars
instigated by Germany after
TV: 0.

Estimated number of people
killed in Rwandan genocide:
500,000. Estimated number of
people killed in Canadian
genocide: 0.

Number of televisions owned
per 1,000 people in Rwanda:
.00017. Number of televisions
owned per 1,000 people in
Canada: 626.

Can you believe the Canadians
own only 626 TVs per 1,000!
God, how pathetic; no wonder
you guys make fun of them so
much.

Number of hours a day the
average American child
watches TV: 5.2. Number of
hours a day the average
American child makes sarin
nerve gas: 0.

Surgical progress before TV:
amputation, bloodletting,
cauterization. Surgical
progress after TV: breast
augmentation, head
transplants, cutting that one
guy up and putting him on
CD-ROM.

Average amount of
participation in US elections
by registered voters before
TV: 76 percent. Average
amount of participation in US
elections by registered
voters after TV: 48 percent.

I could go on but I think you
see the light now. I hope in
the future there will be no
more snide attacks on TV.

<Wongo21063@aol.com>

Fair enough, Wongo, but we're
sure you'll find this
statistic interesting:

Number of Americans killed by
being crushed, injured, or
electrocuted by their TV
sets: 128.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Go Tell It on the Mountain

This piece on Krakauer is
arrogant and vacuous. You say
nothing while posturing as if
you know something about the
subject. Read Mencken if you
want to know how to deflate
pompous windbags. You're in
danger of becoming one
yourself.

P.S. Sherpas are the envy of
other Nepalese for the
incomes they're able to bring
back from these expeditions.
They well know the risks, and
the dangers of client
stupidity and cowardice - and
they're willing to gamble
their lives to bring home the
lavish incomes.

That said though, there have
been a few instances of
Westerners beating Sherpas,
pointing guns at them to go
on in bad weather, and other
mistreatment. But the great
majority of the Sherpas'
clients treat their guides
with respect and are grateful
for their physical and
emotional strength.

Also know that Sherpas, like
other Asians, are quite
comfortable within their own
racist attitudes. They've
been heavily influenced by
the Hindu caste system and
easily slot people
accordingly, deciding that
some nasty Europeans must be
very low caste and that the
Western group leaders who
keep bringing back more
business are minor gods.

Rosalind Robinson

<robinson@maui.com>

I infer from your note that
you feel Jon Krakauer is a
"pompous windbag" (and me
too, but I don't count since
that's in my job description
as a Suckster, along with
"arrogant" and "vacuous"). I
must respectfully disagree:
Krakauer wrote a pretty good
book about a bunch of people
dying on a mountain last
year. He's not really
pompous, and he's actually
pretty concise. I think
"petty moralist" might be a
little more accurate for Jon.
Or perhaps "filthy rich." I
know you're not interested,
but for myself I prefer the
descriptor "misunderstood
humorist."

Please note that neither of us
will answer to the generic
form of address
"Anglo-Saxon."

E.L. Skinner

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

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