The Fish
for 25 August 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[John 'too tall' Pike]
John Pike
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Ne'errative Do Well

Subject: TV is like God only

I sense some hostility by your
person towards TV. Perhaps
these facts will change your

Number of world wars
instigated by Germany before
TV: 2. Number of world wars
instigated by Germany after
TV: 0.

Estimated number of people
killed in Rwandan genocide:
500,000. Estimated number of
people killed in Canadian
genocide: 0.

Number of televisions owned
per 1,000 people in Rwanda:
.00017. Number of televisions
owned per 1,000 people in
Canada: 626.

Can you believe the Canadians
own only 626 TVs per 1,000!
God, how pathetic; no wonder
you guys make fun of them so

Number of hours a day the
average American child
watches TV: 5.2. Number of
hours a day the average
American child makes sarin
nerve gas: 0.

Surgical progress before TV:
amputation, bloodletting,
cauterization. Surgical
progress after TV: breast
augmentation, head
transplants, cutting that one
guy up and putting him on

Average amount of
participation in US elections
by registered voters before
TV: 76 percent. Average
amount of participation in US
elections by registered
voters after TV: 48 percent.

I could go on but I think you
see the light now. I hope in
the future there will be no
more snide attacks on TV.


Fair enough, Wongo, but we're
sure you'll find this
statistic interesting:

Number of Americans killed by
being crushed, injured, or
electrocuted by their TV
sets: 128.

Fish With Letter Icon

Go Tell It on the Mountain

This piece on Krakauer is
arrogant and vacuous. You say
nothing while posturing as if
you know something about the
subject. Read Mencken if you
want to know how to deflate
pompous windbags. You're in
danger of becoming one

P.S. Sherpas are the envy of
other Nepalese for the
incomes they're able to bring
back from these expeditions.
They well know the risks, and
the dangers of client
stupidity and cowardice - and
they're willing to gamble
their lives to bring home the
lavish incomes.

That said though, there have
been a few instances of
Westerners beating Sherpas,
pointing guns at them to go
on in bad weather, and other
mistreatment. But the great
majority of the Sherpas'
clients treat their guides
with respect and are grateful
for their physical and
emotional strength.

Also know that Sherpas, like
other Asians, are quite
comfortable within their own
racist attitudes. They've
been heavily influenced by
the Hindu caste system and
easily slot people
accordingly, deciding that
some nasty Europeans must be
very low caste and that the
Western group leaders who
keep bringing back more
business are minor gods.

Rosalind Robinson


I infer from your note that
you feel Jon Krakauer is a
"pompous windbag" (and me
too, but I don't count since
that's in my job description
as a Suckster, along with
"arrogant" and "vacuous"). I
must respectfully disagree:
Krakauer wrote a pretty good
book about a bunch of people
dying on a mountain last
year. He's not really
pompous, and he's actually
pretty concise. I think
"petty moralist" might be a
little more accurate for Jon.
Or perhaps "filthy rich." I
know you're not interested,
but for myself I prefer the
descriptor "misunderstood

Please note that neither of us
will answer to the generic
form of address

E.L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Ne'errative Do Well

Apparently you prefer
Hanna-Barbera's "early
stuff." Talk about the dummy
pipe ... here are some of the
sterling stories I remember
from my Saturday-morning
sugar-zombie days:

a) Gargamel captures one of
the Smurfs and the other
Smurfs must save her. b)
Speed has to win the big
race. c) Wile E. lays traps
for the Roadrunner, but
inevitably winds up falling
off a very high cliff. d) Zan
and Jana (Jan and Zana?) get
into trouble, then get out by
turning into something
boring. Aquaman rallies the
plankton while Superman is
left to crush the bad guy on
his own. At halftime, Apache
Chief shows how to put on a

If you remember any old-time
cartoons with more plot (or
anything from ANY time period
with less), please share with
the group, won't you?

Craig Demel

Jan and Zana. And since when
have the form of an ice pick
and shape of a baboon
constituted "something
boring"? Granted,
Superfriends is not the best

We'd come up with other
examples, but exchanging
notes on '70s cartoons has
become so cliché, we
might have to kill ourselves

Fish With Letter Icon

General Suck Stuff

Is it just my dwindling
attention span or has Suck
been getting boring lately?
You know, your writers need
to focus more on topics
readers like to read about.
It sounds simple, and it is.

G. Handford

Oh! Like "Why Gwyn and Brad
Split," "Inside the Mind of
Jennifer Anniston," and "5
Delicious Deserts for Summer"?
We could even throw in a cute
pet photo - readers think
those are just swell.

Fish With Letter Icon

Something had to be stated for
one's desire to dip back into
the times of old and see
certain items one last time.
Sometimes, the need to dig
brings up little treasures
such as the animated Suck
Survey logo, Terry's long-
forgotten old bio and maybe
even the old About Us page
(minus the Perl rendering of
the "Society of Sucksters"

Such a desire is mine as I
work up a shrine dedicated to
the little treasures long ago
left behind, courtesy of

Surprisingly, it is all still
there with nary a
clickthrough to those
graphics of old. So, with a
little bit of source
searching, thought, and logic
put to the test, I recently
managed to find these hidden
treasures and save them for
posterity until I fashion the

Now, if you excuse me, I'm
going to watch the animated
Suck Survey logo a few more
times as I attempt to figure
out your other sponsors and
their 90 x 90 GIFs.

Reveling in the suction of

Mark D. Baum

We're glad that you exist,
because you make our
existences more significant.
However, we pity you deeply.

Fish With Letter Icon

The Stuff -- it's a list of stuff we like

Little link to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
A machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes