The Fish
for 22 August 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[John 'too tall' Pike]
John Pike
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Ne'errative Do Well

Apparently you prefer
Hanna-Barbera's "early
stuff." Talk about the dummy
pipe ... here are some of the
sterling stories I remember
from my Saturday-morning
sugar-zombie days:

a) Gargamel captures one of
the Smurfs and the other
Smurfs must save her. b)
Speed has to win the big
race. c) Wile E. lays traps
for the Roadrunner, but
inevitably winds up falling
off a very high cliff. d) Zan
and Jana (Jan and Zana?) get
into trouble, then get out by
turning into something
boring. Aquaman rallies the
plankton while Superman is
left to crush the bad guy on
his own. At halftime, Apache
Chief shows how to put on a

If you remember any old-time
cartoons with more plot (or
anything from ANY time period
with less), please share with
the group, won't you?

Craig Demel

Jan and Zana. And since when
have the form of an ice pick
and shape of a baboon
constituted "something
boring"? Granted,
Superfriends is not the best

We'd come up with other
examples, but exchanging
notes on '70s cartoons has
become so cliché, we
might have to kill ourselves

Fish With Letter Icon

General Suck Stuff

Is it just my dwindling
attention span or has Suck
been getting boring lately?
You know, your writers need
to focus more on topics
readers like to read about.
It sounds simple, and it is.

G. Handford

Oh! Like "Why Gwyn and Brad
Split," "Inside the Mind of
Jennifer Anniston," and "5
Delicious Deserts for Summer"?
We could even throw in a cute
pet photo - readers think
those are just swell.

Fish With Letter Icon

Something had to be stated for
one's desire to dip back into
the times of old and see
certain items one last time.
Sometimes, the need to dig
brings up little treasures
such as the animated Suck
Survey logo, Terry's long-
forgotten old bio and maybe
even the old About Us page
(minus the Perl rendering of
the "Society of Sucksters"

Such a desire is mine as I
work up a shrine dedicated to
the little treasures long ago
left behind, courtesy of

Surprisingly, it is all still
there with nary a
clickthrough to those
graphics of old. So, with a
little bit of source
searching, thought, and logic
put to the test, I recently
managed to find these hidden
treasures and save them for
posterity until I fashion the

Now, if you excuse me, I'm
going to watch the animated
Suck Survey logo a few more
times as I attempt to figure
out your other sponsors and
their 90 x 90 GIFs.

Reveling in the suction of

Mark D. Baum

We're glad that you exist,
because you make our
existences more significant.
However, we pity you deeply.

Fish With Letter Icon

Ne'errative Do Well

Good stuff. It's nice to read
something about kids' TV that
doesn't bitch about excess
violence, as if we're
required to make our children
watch it. When screening
things with my kids, I don't
find myself asking, "Why is
this so violent?" but "Why is
this so damn bad?" The few
shows and movies that do tell
a story seem designed more
for middle-aged parents
trying to recapture their
youth. Maybe the marketers
have discovered that
narrative only sells in the
34 to 45 demographic; or
maybe the noise that passes
for kid's programming is
designed to make the parents
pay more attention to the

Thanks, Michael Mull

Maybe kids' programming is
designed to make parents
refuse to watch TV with their
kids, which makes parents
feel guilty, which they
handle by buying more stuff
for their kids, stuff the
kids find out about from the
TV they watch. If kids' stuff
had excess violence in it
more often, parents would
watch it, too.

Fish With Letter Icon

I think what you're forgetting
is that parents today have a
choice as to how much and
what TV their kids watch.
Allowing a child to watch as
much TV as he wants is as
irresponsible as leaving a
loaded gun on the coffee
table next to the remote and
saying, "Don't touch that."
The easiest way for any
parent to avoid having a
vapid, hyperactive child
whose attention span is 10
seconds or less is read,
READ, READ! Read to the child
before he can do it himself
and continue to read things
just that much over said
child's head and then discuss
what's going on. Introducing
children to the world of
reading can do more for their
attention span, intelligence,
vocabulary, and future than a
zillion hours of TV. The
narrative of a good novel
(even Goosebumps books are
better than nothing) can
never be replaced by the best
movie or the worst TV show.

As for the current generation
of adults saying that they
have little confidence in the
abilities of the current
generation of children to
take the helm of this
country/planet when they grow
up, what generation of adults
has ever thought that its
children would be capable
adults? Did any parent of a
hippie child of the '60s (or
even any adult watching from
the sidelines) think that
these whacked-out, tuned-out,
rude, badly dressed kids
would become yuppies and the
infamous Baby Boom generation
that today is controlling so
much money and influence in
this country?

And, for the record, I do
watch TV, plenty of it, and I
grew up with lots and lots of
TV: afternoons after school,
Saturday mornings, and
weeknights after the homework
was done. I practically made
a major of TV-watching in
college. But I am also a
voracious reader, devouring
whole almost any printed
material that makes its way
into my hands.


Jennifer Garner

Have you ever seen a doctor
about this condition you
have? It sounds extremely
unhealthy, as printed
materials are sure to wreak
havoc on your digestive
system. We're less sure why
you feel your condition is
somehow abating the side
effects of excessive
TV-watching as a child, and
we sincerely hope that you
haven't chosen to induce your
children to engage in this
unhealthy habit of ingesting
the printed page.

Fish With Letter Icon

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