The Fish
for 20 August 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[John 'too tall' Pike]
John Pike
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit and Run

Subject: I had a penis in

Unfortunately, the shrinking
penis story comes as little or
no surprise to this continent.
Don't know if you got
to hear of these beauties:

In parts of this country,
people who are illiterate
sign for their pension and
other payments with a
thumbprint. They discovered a
scam where people were
registering false claimants
by inking their dicks and
making prints on falsified
documents. And who said the
age of get-up-and-go and
resourcefulness had passed?

In the Northern Province
(where the really freaky
voodoo shit happens) a young
man left his town (to seek
his fortune in the big city)
without telling anyone. Egged
on by rumours, his family
proclaimed him dead. When he
returned some time later
(having got a job, etc.) they
said that he was already
dead, called him a zombie, and
killed him.

Unfortunately, these and other
stories only serve to
entrench the widely held
opinion of Africa being the
relative whose only purpose
in life is to be a warning to
others. This kind of
behavior goes against Ubuntu
and any other human value
system. The people accused of
penis-shrinking were
foreigners in Senegal. The
mob's calling them penis
shrinkers was really a very
obvious metaphor for taking
their jobs/women/money/way of
life (take your pick). It was
a slightly bizarre twist on
an old story. You have to
admire their creativity
though: Goebbels would never
have had the balls to accuse
the Jewish people of
shrinking Aryan penises.

Chris Deeks
South Africa

It's hard to get a hold on
some of these newly erected
rumors and quickly inflated
stories, but you did a handy
job in penetrating the facts.
Thanks for rising to the task
at hand - it's a sticky one.
Oh, and um, penis.

Fish With Letter Icon

Strange Daze

I am saving your essay today
in the hopes that you appear
on Bill Maher and I can
chuckle about "televisionally
impaired" sellouts.

The freaks you described
haven't changed in my
lifetime. My mother's cousin
Beverly certainly filled the
bill: She would never be
allowed to appear on any of
those shows simply because
she was incapable of slicing
off any coherent two-minute
segment of her Gödelian
universe. Not only that, she
could never sit in front of a
television program for more
than one commercial break
without hopping up to write a
20-page letter to Reader's
or work on her
Watchtower cataloging
project. Her other favorite
activity was getting on the
phone to pulverize the minds
of hapless civil servants for
hours. When I think back, she
would have been a minor deity
on the Web, and had she found
Steadman he would never have
had to read anyone else's

Have you read the Insanity of
by Arno Gruen? He
says that what we call
"realism" is the true
insanity of our age, and that
all those people we call
freaks are those who, to one
degree or another, have been
incapable of convincing
themselves that the persona
required for participation in
everyday society is the true
self. I guess that covers me,
how about you? Too bad for
people like Cousin Beverly
who never read anything
except Reader's Digest.


Normally, I would have no
interest in appearing on
Maher; the chance of being
upstaged by someone more
knowledgeable, like, say,
George Clooney, would be too
great. But if it would induce
a chuckle in you, then I'll
do it.

Haven't read the book. But I
believe I saw the Twilight
episode that it was
based on, or vice versa.



Fish With Letter Icon

I thoroughly enjoyed the
article, but there was one
thing missing. You forgot to
mention that Oddville is just
plain old boring.


What about when I said
Oddville was as tiresomely
trivial as David Lynch at his
least inspired? Or that Frank
Hope could emancipate the
interest from any moment?

But you're right, I suppose.
The boredom Oddville induces
cannot be emphasized enough.



Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: One of millions of
completed "mad-libs"

Toss this on the heap:

Not so delirously, I can't
belive you expect me to meet
this sperm-laced feces of Roy
Cohn deadline not only am I
working from late dusk to
high brunch time 0.3 days a
week, but you don't give me
anything until the last piece
of double-sided tape. It's a
misty violation of my rights
as a fossilized ginko. I'm
not just another John Candy
movie in the cosmonaut helmet
of the exploitative American
sassy culture, you know. Here
I am churning out this fist
you site until I'm taupe in
the face and you immediately
waltz in here like an oozing
hubcap. No matter what I
spurt, nothing seems to erase
and it's driving me jumping
cheerios sly. I've had enough
of your gol' darn by Zeus'
balls catamite. You can take
this spouting members farting
baboon job and stick it up
your gleet gosh collar bone!

Fish With Letter Icon

Ummm, like ... hellloooo...?
Since when have giant evil
Canadian cracksmoking
bunnies been unhip? Who do
you think Canada's
representatives are in the
salmon talks? Glen Clark?

Good Suck today - Cheers,


Giant evil Canadian
crack-smoking rabbits are
messy and unhip,
and they wouldn't dream of
representing their country in
anything but a pick-up game
of whoop-ass hockey, so get
your facts straight.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit and Run

Did you actually think you'd
get away with such an obvious
lift (the lede, a twist on
the famous Zappa quote about
music writing, wherein he
indicts all critics and
illustrates the futility of
words when it comes to
describing art)? Or was the
lack of attribution
deliberate, designed to
foment just this sort of
reaction? I always knew that
writing about "borrowing" was
like writing about something
that was written about
something that remotely
touched on talking about
television. By the way, I do
enjoy the site and agree with
its sensibilities.

Peter Hyman, Manhattan

And if we had any
sensibilities, we'd probably
agree with you.

As it is, we simply devote
ourselves to lacing
noncontent with cleverly
unattributed quotes
(sometimes other people call
them "references"), in the
hopes that readers just like
you will get the joke.
Congratulations, Peter, you
are smarter than just about
anyone else, including us.


Fish With Letter Icon

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