The Fish
for 15 August 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[John PIke]
John Pike
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Self-Help Backlash

I guess everyone has their bad
days. Backlash didn't suck. I
myself am a Blandoid and
resonated deeply with the
blanduousity of this
sanitized crap ... that's how
I recognize its mediocrity.

It was a battle to read it to
completion and now I look
upon it as a monster. The
least you can do is throw me
into the Abyss.

Gimme a blandaid, I am
bleeding emotionally.


Blandaid?!! Funny, you just
used the Martian term for
Earthling self-help!


Fish With Letter Icon

A Few Good Unmentionables

Kelly Flinn got screwed?
Please. Most officers would
consider themselves amazingly
lucky to get off with a
general discharge after the
kind of behavior she
exhibited. Sleeping with an
enlisted man or woman is a
serious offense, although the
logic behind this seems to
escape the press and public.
How is an officer supposed to
maintain the kind of
impartiality and leadership
necessary to lead a group
into battle when one of the
troops is his or her lover?
Flinn also slept with an
enlisted woman's husband. I
shouldn't even need to go
into the kind of trouble this
can cause; how would you like
it if your boss was getting a
little on the side from your
spouse? It's quite possible
that knowing that might
hamper your effectiveness,
not to mention destroy any
credibility your supposed
leader has in your mind.
Finally, the most important
charge, lying to
investigators, needs no
explication. Perjury is an
unforgivable offense in a
court martial.

To say that Ralston got off
squeaky clean while Flinn was
"screwed" is clearly
preposterous. Ralston had an
affair 10 years ago with a
woman who had no connection
to the military while he was
seperated from his wife. To
compare this to an officer
seducing airmen and their
spouses, and lying to
investigators about it, is
not just unfair, it is

Mark Ashton


The suggestion that a military
person would have a problem
sending their lover into
battle shows that you haven't
followed the short-lived
affairs of Ralston and Flinn
too closely. Considering the
duration of most
relationships nowadays, the
problem won't be officers
keeping their lovers from the
frontline, it will be
restraining them from sending
an ex. There are two simple
solutions to this quandary:
no more war or no more sex.
Let's hope it's not up to the
defense industry to choose.

Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: T Jay Calendar

Greetings ya'll,

I've just loaded the calendar
files into my image-setter at
work. When I get there
tomorrow, the negatives will
be all ready. I'll print 'em,
and they'll be in the bindery
before my boss gets back from
vacation on Monday. I've
taken a laser copy to a
"cyber-cafe" and got an order
for 200 copies at $3 apiece.
I've contacted a friend in
Australia who wants 600
copies, and a friend in
Austin who wants 150. If you
would have put the "Suck"
logo on the front, I could've
gotten $4 apiece (some people
don't really read it, but it
would make them cool to have
it laying around next to
their Netscape annual
report). I have an idea for
the next calendar.... Do it
about Polly Esther, and have
Terry draw her with great big
boobs. I'll make a fortune
and I can tell my boss to
kiss my ass.

PS - I traded my laser copy to
a guy in front of the
"cyber-cafe" for two rocks of
crack. Thanks and keep up the
good work!

Kelly Younger

You're welcome - and, hey,
thanks to your use of the
words "crack," "kiss my ass,"
and "great big boobs," you'll
probably increase our
hit-count tenfold. Win-win!


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Inside Jokes in
Filler 7.30.97

Next time you plan on spending
an entire Suck column on
someone that most of your
readers have never met - or
even heard of - may I suggest
a cartoon profile of my
friend Ryan Teague Beckwith?

Ryan is a wacky guy. He often
goes by Teague. It's not his
middle name, you see ... it's
just his other name. His dad
calls him Teague. His mom
calls him Ryan. His friends
often call him Crackhead,
even in polite company. Ha,
ha! That's enough material
for an entire month in the
next Suck calendar.

But wait, there's more. Ryan
(or Teague, depending on what
side of the family tree you
feel a greater allegiance to)
is a cynic, you see. But he's
not just any kind of cynic.
He's a neurotic cynic! And
he's from Seattle! Only HE
those of us who interact with
him, his neuroses often
border on being
fall-of-yer-horse hilarious.
Once, on Groundhog Day, we
happened to catch a news
report about Punxsutawney
Phil. And Ryan, that crazy
bundle of sarcasm, made an
allusion to the fact that the
guy with the stovepipe hat
probably tortured the
groundhog with a cattle prod
during the rest of the year!
Whoo-whee! Let me tell you,
we laughed for 10 minutes
straight when he said that.
And it'd make a perfect
anecdote for February's

Most sincerely,
Erik Holm

Wow, that Ryan guy does sound
like a real goofball! Too bad
you don't work here, or you
could fill up a whole column
AND make a full-color
calendar on Ryan for you and
yours to treasure for years
to come.

Oh well.


Fish With Letter Icon

Misc. Grab Bag o' Fish!

i go to cornell and lately
i've been very disgruntled
and negative and I blame it
on a school which has f*cked
me over a lot of times. i
figured, hey, these people
are pissed off at the stupid
and un-creative just like me!
they must have gone to
Cornell. either way, thanks,
cause now i don't feel so

Name Withheld

I absolutely hate small dogs
shitting in my yard. Can they
be stopped?

Kathy Graham

To: <>
Subject: Jealous?

Maybe you are jealous or have
nothing better to do with
your time ... get a life!



I bet you blow your daddy. You
think Hanson sucks but theyve
got girls that want to ****
every minute!! And YOU dont
so why dont you go give your
grrany head and then jack
your self off!! And yes girls
can talk that way cause im a
girl and i just told your big
flabby ASS of like a mother


Fish With Letter Icon

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