The Fish
for 14 August 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Subject: T Jay Calendar

Greetings ya'll,

I've just loaded the calendar
files into my image-setter at
work. When I get there
tomorrow, the negatives will
be all ready. I'll print 'em,
and they'll be in the bindery
before my boss gets back from
vacation on Monday. I've
taken a laser copy to a
"cyber-cafe" and got an order
for 200 copies at $3 apiece.
I've contacted a friend in
Australia who wants 600
copies, and a friend in
Austin who wants 150. If you
would have put the "Suck"
logo on the front, I could've
gotten $4 apiece (some people
don't really read it, but it
would make them cool to have
it laying around next to
their Netscape annual
report). I have an idea for
the next calendar.... Do it
about Polly Esther, and have
Terry draw her with great big
boobs. I'll make a fortune
and I can tell my boss to
kiss my ass.

PS - I traded my laser copy to
a guy in front of the
"cyber-cafe" for two rocks of
crack. Thanks and keep up the
good work!

Kelly Younger

You're welcome - and, hey,
thanks to your use of the
words "crack," "kiss my ass,"
and "great big boobs," you'll
probably increase our
hit-count tenfold. Win-win!


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Inside Jokes in
Filler 7.30.97

Next time you plan on spending
an entire Suck column on
someone that most of your
readers have never met - or
even heard of - may I suggest
a cartoon profile of my
friend Ryan Teague Beckwith?

Ryan is a wacky guy. He often
goes by Teague. It's not his
middle name, you see ... it's
just his other name. His dad
calls him Teague. His mom
calls him Ryan. His friends
often call him Crackhead,
even in polite company. Ha,
ha! That's enough material
for an entire month in the
next Suck calendar.

But wait, there's more. Ryan
(or Teague, depending on what
side of the family tree you
feel a greater allegiance to)
is a cynic, you see. But he's
not just any kind of cynic.
He's a neurotic cynic! And
he's from Seattle! Only HE
those of us who interact with
him, his neuroses often
border on being
fall-of-yer-horse hilarious.
Once, on Groundhog Day, we
happened to catch a news
report about Punxsutawney
Phil. And Ryan, that crazy
bundle of sarcasm, made an
allusion to the fact that the
guy with the stovepipe hat
probably tortured the
groundhog with a cattle prod
during the rest of the year!
Whoo-whee! Let me tell you,
we laughed for 10 minutes
straight when he said that.
And it'd make a perfect
anecdote for February's

Most sincerely,
Erik Holm

Wow, that Ryan guy does sound
like a real goofball! Too bad
you don't work here, or you
could fill up a whole column
AND make a full-color
calendar on Ryan for you and
yours to treasure for years
to come.

Oh well.


Fish With Letter Icon

Misc. Grab Bag o' Fish!

i go to cornell and lately
i've been very disgruntled
and negative and I blame it
on a school which has f*cked
me over a lot of times. i
figured, hey, these people
are pissed off at the stupid
and un-creative just like me!
they must have gone to
Cornell. either way, thanks,
cause now i don't feel so

Name Withheld

I absolutely hate small dogs
shitting in my yard. Can they
be stopped?

Kathy Graham

To: <>
Subject: Jealous?

Maybe you are jealous or have
nothing better to do with
your time ... get a life!



I bet you blow your daddy. You
think Hanson sucks but theyve
got girls that want to ****
every minute!! And YOU dont
so why dont you go give your
grrany head and then jack
your self off!! And yes girls
can talk that way cause im a
girl and i just told your big
flabby ASS of like a mother


Fish With Letter Icon

The Sheltering Sky

Wow, a column on how
California and Las Vegas
create fake environments that
people pay to visit. And
carefully constructed with an
ironic tone that says, "We're
just too knowing to fall into
something like that." This
was the last straw: I'm
taking off my
bookmarks (is that the
updated version of "cancel my
subscription"?). Your brand
of world-weary cultural
criticism was tired 20 years

Walter C. Koehler


I enjoy the fact that you've
managed to package this
particular complaint in a -
yes - world-weary tone. Oh,
please, people: Walter C.
Koehler already knew all of

Your argument here seems to be
that someone already
commented that the water was
warm - so what kind of idiot
bothers to notice when it
starts to boil? A truly
American attitude, this, much
akin to: "Oh, of course I
don't vote - all the
politicians are corrupt,
anyway." That is, once it's
been noted, why bother
worrying about it?

I also think you've decided
that anything in Suck must
just be written in an ironic
tone, so the latest must be
written in an ironic tone,
too. It's not. But of course
you've already made note of
us, and you're the kind of
guy who feels terribly,
terribly bored by what he
already knows, so why bother
actually reading the silly
old thing?

Say hi to the folks at Salon
for us, Walt. Suck may very
well be the wrong thing for
you to be reading.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Bloody Genius

Re: "Spend an hour at American
Wilderness Experience and
you'll see 160 different
kinds of animals. The value
added to the retail version
is the condensing: Enough
with the quest, already -
let's get to the part where
we get the fucking grail, you

Umberto Eco said much the same
thing vis-à-vis
Disneyworld in Travels In
In one day you
can go from the real
Louisiana bayou to
Disneyworld and take a ride
on the Louisiana Riverboat
Ride - and the Disney ride is
more satisfying because it
more approximates the ideal
riverboat ride in your
imagination - the boatsman's
costume is just right, the
alligators lunge out at you
just when you'd want them to,
and there aren't any of those
horrible mosquitoes or
disgusting swamp smells. The
message of Disneyworld, he
says, is that technology can
give you a better version of
reality than nature can.

And, were you a New Yorker,
you'd have been able to make
use of the similarity between
the average 22-minute Grand
Canyon tour and the WINS news
radio slogan, "Give us 22
minutes and we'll give you
the world" - which Neil
Postman takes to task in
Amusing Ourselves To Death.


Read Schuchardt


Note to other Suck readers:
The subject line "bloody
genius" virtually guarantees
a rapid response to your
email. It's just about the
only thing left that reaches
us through the crust of hip
world-weari ... whoops, not
supposed to mention that.

Glad to hear you enjoyed the
column. I was just at
Disneyland a few weeks ago -
don't ask - and noticed an
interesting thing: Amid all
that better-than-
reality-entertainment, slight
imperfections and minor
hassles become really
irritating. Grandma had to
physically restrain me inside
"It's a Small World" - I
noticed some faded paint, OK?
Who do I complain to? They
pump you through these
massive stage sets - a fake
mountain, for crying out loud
- and it's not enough. It's
like the movies right now:
only 59 major explosions? I'm
SO bored.... The condensed
spectacle feeds a powerful
appetite for more spectacle,
more condensed. It's just
never enough. Plus the
younger members of my family
shouldn't be permitted within
a thousand miles of a package
of ketchup. I learned two
things at Disneyland.

You've seized on an excellent
tactic, by the way, and let's
spread it around: It's
Disney's fault.

And I think a better motto for
use in New York would be:
"Give us 22 minutes, and
we'll take your fucking
wallet 44 times."


Fish With Letter Icon

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