The Fish
for 5 August 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Tomorrowland's Parties

Just a tidbit of Disneyland
lore from the "Politically
Incorrect" file, gleaned from
my father, who worked at WED
(the Disney "imagineers")
from the late '50s on.

When the Jungle River Ride
first opened, you could buy
toy "spears" in the
neighboring gift shop. One
enterprising young black kid
one day bought a bunch of
spears, sneaked around to
opposite the "cannibal
village" area of the ride,
stripped down to his shorts,
swam across the "river" and
joined the animated
spear-brandishing savages -
and when the next boat came
by, began throwing his spears
in earnest at the tourists.

Can't remember whether the
story had him getting caught
by Park security - my father
was never too comfortable
talking about that aspect of

Best, David Sewell U of Arizona

Seems like culture hacking for
beginners always starts at
Disneyland, ends with someone
calling security, and is
accompanied by a caveat.
Thanks for the story.

Fish With Letter Icon

I visited Disneyland when I
was 7 - this was major
because I lived in kansas. I
went with my aunt, who lived
in Oxnard. She had an orange
tree in her backyard, which
was major because all I had
at home was a mulberry tree,
and mulberries are hard and
sour. When I got there it was
raining, and the streets were
like canals. I assumed that
it would be sunny at
disneyland, but it wasn't. My
aunt tried to cheer me but by
saying that we were lucky
because there wouldn't be as
many people there on a rainy
day. We parked so far away
that you couldn't see
anything except parking lots,
and my aunt told me that we
should eat before going
because it would be a while
before we got there, to the
rides, you know. While we
were eating in the car, w/
the windows up since it was
raining, she told me that she
knew one of the Goofies. One
of the Goofies . . . that
seemed so strange to me. her
exact words were: "Hey! Guess
what? I know Goofy! Or, one
of them, at least . . ." and
I tried to remember if I'd
ever seen two Goofies
standing side by side.
Eventually we began the long
commute, from parking lot to
gate, and all I remember
after that was freezing my
ass off inside It's a Small
World, and my aunt scaring
the crap out of some woman in
that house where the floor
drops slowly by saying:
"Wait, this isn't supposed to
happen." She asked about the
Goofies a couple of times,
and later she approached one
of them while holding onto my
hand and saying: "Hey,
Darren, man . . . is that
you?" It wasn't. A couple of
years ago, I went home for
xmas. My aunt was visiting
too, and we went out and got
really drunk. I somehow ended
up telling her about taking
mushrooms at Graceland, and
she countered by telling me
about taking acid at
Disneyland. "Wait a second,"
I said, "this wouldn't be
around 1979, would it?" after
a couple of minutes of
reflection, she said: "Uhh,
umm. No, it must have been
after that."

She didn't happen to mention
some high jinks at the Jungle
River Ride, did she?

Fish With Letter Icon


Ann O'Tate,

Congratulations on a brilliant
Suck editorial. One small
problem: I've done the cult
test along with as many
Brits, 'Euro-types',
Afro-Caribbeans and Asian as
are available to me in
London, and - you'll never
guess - according to your
survey, we're all Canadians!
(Well except for the 'touk'
and ice hockey parts, but I
assume those don't apply to
Canadians either).

Good God! Imagine! And entire
world in denial of their
essential Americanness, and
it's all been proven by a
group of Americans! Egad!
Clearly, it's long past time
for me to give up my 'quaint'
accent, forget everything
about world
history/politics/culture I've
ever learned, and barrel
full-tilt into the 'land of
the free'. When do I get my
green card?


You don't need a green card,
Julianna! See, not only is
the entire world actually
American, they are actually
living in America! You can't
rub two "pounds" together
without attracting a
McDonald's or a Hard Rock
Cafe, and what with Niketowns
springing up like tulips,
what's the difference between
most of Europe and Union
Square (aside from the fact
that there might be more
"foreign" (heh) tourists in
Union Square)?

So raise Old Glory and pop
open a Bud, we'll be by to
lower your taxes later.

Fish With Letter Icon

Thank you, thank you, thank
you for your recent
psychoanalytic piece on
cults. Your Cult-o-Meter
indicates I'm a love slaved,
new media and Jim Jones
lovin' Canadian addicted to
Suck! Where's the Kool-Aid?
And to think I've flushed
countless 50-minute hours
down my therapist's toilet in
hopes of reaching the
diagnosis I received today.
Maybe you should consider an
infomercial for this miracle
producing analytic device.
Just one question: Since your
piece only took 5 minutes to
read, how much do I owe you?

Sean Murphy

We charge by the consultation,
not by the hour. However, you
can just send us 10 percent
of the profits you garner
from your new-found
productivity. We'll even
score you a cameo appearance
in that infomercial. How
telegenic are you?

Fish With Letter Icon


Toque, damn it, TOQUE!!!

Stefan Roberts

Fish With Letter Icon

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