The Fish
for 30 July 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Phone Home

I was wondering if
you'd tell me which aspects
of the Laws of Physics you
interpret as proof that
inter-planetary travel and
life on hospitable planets is
impossible. I mean, seeing as
how we live on a rock in
space covered in gasses and
interstellar dirt ... and
there are so many more rocks
in space.... Cogito Ergo Sum
(at least I think I am)

Right. Rocks in space, like
Pigs in Space. Real simple.
We apologize.

Fish With Letter Icon



I want to take issue with the
Mother White Meat article.
Why did you limit the white
wannabe gangsta age group you
made fun of to under 16? Have
all the wwbg's over 16
suddenly accquired a dignity
and legitimacy that I'm not
aware of? It's not like most
of them have moved out of the
house yet. The only
difference I can see between
the two age groups is that
the over 16 crew have less
patchy toughguy goatees and
look only slightly less silly
in their detailed Hyundais
(complete with booming bass
system that cost twice the
value of the car) than the
under 16 wwbg's do riding on
bikes (complete with boom box
dangling from the

On the other hand, my friend
Travis supports your effort
to raise the consciousness of
white parents everywhere. He
himself does his best to
raise consciousness among
wwbgs across our great land.
Travis, who, for all intents
and purposes, is black, likes
to raise the consciousness of
his white Yacub devil
brothers by driving up to
(but not by) a crew of wwbgs,
rolling down his window,
calling them a "bunch of
n****rs," and then pelting
them with eggs. He feels that
this helps legitimize their
gangsta rebellion by giving
them a "Man" who "keeps them
down." After all, what is a
rebellion without an

Jim Coley

That's a good question for
Green Day, anyway.

By the way, what, exactly,
does it mean to be black "for
all intents and purposes"?
Are you talking about your
own intents and purposes, as
in, because you're friends
with Travis, you're keeping
it real and so on, and are
thus better than the white
boys you dis?

Just asking.

Fish With Letter Icon

Salty Dawg

Subject: 7 July Credit Card
etc. rant: Waste of bytes

I mean, really! It wasn't even
funny. The next time I point
my big, thick browser at you,
it had better be funny. If
not, you won't get my big,
thick browser pointed at you
again. Previously, I had
recommended you to my


Leave it to a frat boy with a
last name + "dawg" nickname
and a dwindling sense of his
own sexual power to refer to
his browser as "big" and

Please keep your "big, thick"
browser far away from us,

Fish With Letter Icon

Doesn't Hurt Me a Bit

I wrote one of these to St. Huck
about this time last night.
In some countries I'm sure that
makes me a loser,
but hey,
it's America,
a country built on the foundation
that finding something to
bitch about and then taking action to that
same effect will make you a goddamned king.
Read Ross Perot's biography and
tell me that ain't true.

I applaud the fact that the
word "catharthis" didn't appear in your article once.
It's a going theory of mine that,
not unlike pop culture,
an individual is occasionally
followed and sometimes even assaulted
by a collection of catch-phrases and buzzwords.
If this is the case,
Then "catharthis" falls at the top of my list
starting in the 10th grade.

to elaborate on your point,
it's this very idea that gives me cause to
snicker when I think back to the
little ruse that MCI ad execs cooked up a little while ago,
that of course being the 'verts that they splashed all
over the tube sometime back pitching their
Internet services.
The crowning jewel of this 90-second call-to-arms
was the word "utopia?" snapped onto the screen
for about three frames and then an old guy
looking out into the audience and saying
"Noooo ..." like someone had just asked him
if the Pope was Catholic.
This one commercial really put the whole Internet-buzz-thing
into perspective for me.
This kind of vain, "Golly my head is securely lodged in my ass"
optimism was smeared all over the US like
a cheap coat of paint, so now we get every
De-Vry graduate and his common-law wife
rushing out to buy a computer in the
hopes of ascending to such lofty aspirations
as letting the population know about "Good Times"
before this menace eats the hard drives of the free world.

on the Internet,
there are no colors,
no disabilities,
and no real sure way to differentiate between the sexes,
but once you boil all that away, you
get the absolute essence of stupidity.
And then people wonder why something like
mailbombing happens frequently enough to give
rise to the need to actually make a verb to go with it.

Violence is something that is
fairly inescapable when it comes to being human.
The Internet, rather,
Usenet is nothing more than a collection
of humans stripped down to nothing but ASCII text.
Violence transfers over to Usenet just as it would anywhere else,
the only real difference is that on Usenet
it becomes painfully clear why the biggest
selling pieces of modern recreation involve
6.64 deaths per minute.

Yeah, and stuff.

Organization: Carolina
Commision of Concerned

In some countries,
writing prose poems
to psuedonyms
might make
but this is
so it just makes you a
Concerned Weirdo.
There's a difference.
We think.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Those cheesy crusts

"Cheese-Filled Pizza Crust:
Pros and Cons" - wow, that
would make great editorial.
Please do a piece. We even
get cheesy crust in
Australia. Although
mozzarella really is pretty
bland. Personally I'm not a
big fan of the cheesy crust -
but then again, I am lactose
intolerant. I ate brie and
avocado sandwiches for lunch
today. They made me sick all


Bronwyn Howard

Sorry, but The
Lactose-Intolerant are on our
upcoming Target of Ridicule
list, right next to
Australians Who Don't Like
Cheesy Crust, so we really
shouldn't communicate with
you in any way.

Fish With Letter Icon

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