The Fish
for 29 July 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Salty Dawg

Subject: 7 July Credit Card
etc. rant: Waste of bytes

I mean, really! It wasn't even
funny. The next time I point
my big, thick browser at you,
it had better be funny. If
not, you won't get my big,
thick browser pointed at you
again. Previously, I had
recommended you to my


Leave it to a frat boy with a
last name + "dawg" nickname
and a dwindling sense of his
own sexual power to refer to
his browser as "big" and

Please keep your "big, thick"
browser far away from us,

Fish With Letter Icon

Doesn't Hurt Me a Bit

I wrote one of these to St. Huck
about this time last night.
In some countries I'm sure that
makes me a loser,
but hey,
it's America,
a country built on the foundation
that finding something to
bitch about and then taking action to that
same effect will make you a goddamned king.
Read Ross Perot's biography and
tell me that ain't true.

I applaud the fact that the
word "catharthis" didn't appear in your article once.
It's a going theory of mine that,
not unlike pop culture,
an individual is occasionally
followed and sometimes even assaulted
by a collection of catch-phrases and buzzwords.
If this is the case,
Then "catharthis" falls at the top of my list
starting in the 10th grade.

to elaborate on your point,
it's this very idea that gives me cause to
snicker when I think back to the
little ruse that MCI ad execs cooked up a little while ago,
that of course being the 'verts that they splashed all
over the tube sometime back pitching their
Internet services.
The crowning jewel of this 90-second call-to-arms
was the word "utopia?" snapped onto the screen
for about three frames and then an old guy
looking out into the audience and saying
"Noooo ..." like someone had just asked him
if the Pope was Catholic.
This one commercial really put the whole Internet-buzz-thing
into perspective for me.
This kind of vain, "Golly my head is securely lodged in my ass"
optimism was smeared all over the US like
a cheap coat of paint, so now we get every
De-Vry graduate and his common-law wife
rushing out to buy a computer in the
hopes of ascending to such lofty aspirations
as letting the population know about "Good Times"
before this menace eats the hard drives of the free world.

on the Internet,
there are no colors,
no disabilities,
and no real sure way to differentiate between the sexes,
but once you boil all that away, you
get the absolute essence of stupidity.
And then people wonder why something like
mailbombing happens frequently enough to give
rise to the need to actually make a verb to go with it.

Violence is something that is
fairly inescapable when it comes to being human.
The Internet, rather,
Usenet is nothing more than a collection
of humans stripped down to nothing but ASCII text.
Violence transfers over to Usenet just as it would anywhere else,
the only real difference is that on Usenet
it becomes painfully clear why the biggest
selling pieces of modern recreation involve
6.64 deaths per minute.

Yeah, and stuff.

Organization: Carolina
Commision of Concerned

In some countries,
writing prose poems
to psuedonyms
might make
but this is
so it just makes you a
Concerned Weirdo.
There's a difference.
We think.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Those cheesy crusts

"Cheese-Filled Pizza Crust:
Pros and Cons" - wow, that
would make great editorial.
Please do a piece. We even
get cheesy crust in
Australia. Although
mozzarella really is pretty
bland. Personally I'm not a
big fan of the cheesy crust -
but then again, I am lactose
intolerant. I ate brie and
avocado sandwiches for lunch
today. They made me sick all


Bronwyn Howard

Sorry, but The
Lactose-Intolerant are on our
upcoming Target of Ridicule
list, right next to
Australians Who Don't Like
Cheesy Crust, so we really
shouldn't communicate with
you in any way.

Fish With Letter Icon

Doesn't Hurt Me a Bit

A suiting punishment for mass
murderers (or any murderers)
is the biography. (In
addition to life
imprisonment, which is
assumed.) The lives of those
killed by the murderer are
usually quite invisible to
him/her. In my opinion, every
life taken should be
recorded, in detail, by the
murderer. A book written on
each victim. This would
include interviews with the
surviving families and
friends (should they be

The murderer is then held to a
recounting of each life taken
and an eventual realization
of the scope of his/her
crime. Do you think McVeigh
really understands what he
has done?

John K. Lewis

That's a good idea in an ideal
world. Gianni Versace's
murderer might even get a
pretty nice book deal out of
it. But if most people can't
get around to writing a book
no matter how hard they try,
do you really think we can
force criminals to do so?

Maybe it makes more sense to
flood murderers with
information on the people
they killed - make them sit
through slide shows, home
videos, tearful interviews
with family members.... It
would amount to torture for
some. Of course, for others,
it would probably just elicit
a good laugh. Do we really
want to know either way?

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: You are stupid

OK, maybe you are not stupid,
but who gives a fuck either
way? I fail to see your
point, and for good reason:
You did not make it clear
(maybe I am just dumb). I
think you were restating the
incredibly hackneyed bit
about how fake violence
desensitizes the incredibly
stupid populace, who cannot
decipher real from imaginary,
from real violence. I just
watched Jackie Chan's First
a couple of weeks ago,
and I laughed my ass off as
Jackie opened can after can
of whupass. On my way home I
could not avoid hitting a
rabbit. I got physically ill.
My point, as if it is not
painfully clear, is that
entertainment does not create
the capacity to be violent;
the capacity already exists.
Then again, your work could
have been a satire. It was
poorly written, or I am dumb.
One thing is clear: The
Internet is about porn and/or
bullshit, not violence.

Ladonna Machalukname

Hmm. Either our work's poorly
written or you're dumb....
We've met more dumb people
than we've written dumb
things, so we'll go with the
latter explanation. But then,
maybe we can't decipher the
imaginary (email) from the
real (mail in white envelopes
with stamps and dates). After
all, we read your email and
laughed our asses off, and
then got a real letter from
an old high school friend. We
got physically ill. Your
point was somewhat painful,
but maybe not painful enough
to be real to us. One thing
is clear: Porn and bullshit
have nothing to do with
violence - or the Internet,
because the Internet is
imaginary! We fail to see our
point, which follows, since
we're dumb.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Huh?

What is Suck? I've visited the
site several times and the
theme (purpose, idea, goal,
audience, whatever ...)
escapes me. There's lots of
interesting and/or
entertaining and/or fun
tidbits but no (that I can
see) consistency. Somebody
fill me in. If I'm just a dim
bulb don't hesitate to
enlighten me on that one too.


Q: How many responses in The
Fish does it take to change a
dim lightbulb?

A: What the hell do you mean
by that?

Fish With Letter Icon

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