The Fish
for 23 July 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Mad about Mad Canadians

Subject: Enough with the
fucking Canucks

I think we can all agree that
Canada is the place where the
United States gets its Cuban
cigars and the United States
is the place to go for guns
and crack. So back to
something (anything!) other
than more letters whining
about Canadian/American
identity, please. Or at least
back to some snide, insulting
Suckster comments to temper
the boredom. Word up.

Steven M Pecsenye

Well, Steven, does seeing your
name in print temper the
boredom at all?

Fish With Letter Icon

Given your Canadian triumph, a
penetrating revelation on
Apple must be next. Will you
run the inevitable irate
replies for 10-12 weeks?

David George

You can bet on it.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: So Stop!

Enough already, stop the
inanity. What's the point
you're trying to make
repeatedly showing us staunch
US Suck citizenry that you've
greatly miffed a bunch of
crazies from the northern
reaches? Close the borders,
keep the snowbirds at home,
declare war (it would be
shorter than Grenada anyway),
jam their TV's and their
browsers, do anything, but
desist in publishing their
rants. Better yet, publish
another great article
demonstrating their legendary
shortcomings (remind them
that for some Americans
Vietnam was a better choice)
and then don't print any
responses at all. I beg you.

David George

You're right. We like
repeatedly showing staunch US
Suck citizenry that we've
greatly miffed staunch US
Suck citizenry even better.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Stop the whining!

Isn't Suck supposed to be for
entertainment purposes, to
play devil's advocate, and
make fun of virtually
everything? If not, my
reading comprehension has
taken a horrible downturn. To
all you whining slobs who
write in and bash the
articles' facts and figures -
Get Bent! This isn't fucking
Businessweek (note the
cartoon characters)!

Chris Talmadge

Come on, stupidhead, doesn't
everyone have the right to
take everything and everyone
(including themselves) too

But then, maybe we're just
reveling in our right to
play devil's advocate and
make fun of you for
entertainment purposes.

Who's this Bent, guy, by the
way - you know, we're hiring
a fact-checker....

Fish With Letter Icon

Mr. Softie

What happened, my Net
connection goes down for a
week and you guys stop
snidely replying in the Fish?
Aside from your articles
becoming insipidly boring for
the most part, with a major
lack in the humor department,
I looked forward to the
verbal whipping you used to
do to your readers/suckers....

Todd McGuinness

Gee, sorry Todd, but maybe
we're trying to develop just
a wee smidgen of maturity.
It's been almost two full
years now, did you honestly
think that the bile would
never run out? Wake up and
smell the positivity, buddy.
Rebellion and ironic
detachment are vestiges of a
pre-Prozac era, and seem
embarrassingly devil-may-care,
born-to-raise-hell in nature,
sharing more with the
mentality of an angry chimp
than with, say, a reasonably
stable human being. Nowadays
kids are smoking cigars, guy,
and the only people who share
your thirst for unnecessary
vitriol are preteens cursed
with unsightly premature body
hair and alcoholic former
hair-band members.

But, hell, if you want to
continue living in your own
little insipidly boring
with-a-rebel-yell world, who
are we to stop you?

So fuck off, already.

Actually, that felt sort of
tingly. Maybe you're right.
Now you can fuck off.

Fish With Letter Icon

Dies Irae Cont.

Suck's made me laugh out loud
twice now. Not bad for two
years' work.

Both happened whilst scanning
The Shit - this very daily's
equivalent of the Burning Man
bumpersticker or a
prominently displayed copy of
Infinite Jest - always
reading rather like, "I'm
getting older and no one
appreciates me any more and
though I no longer really
count, I mean now that Carl
has we're as cutting-edge as
a Safeway kitchen knife, at
least I can buy some edge
with these here T-shirts."
Actually, it reads more like
a comb-over on a late-career
critic, but anyway....

The first time was when The
Shit (oh, that title will
never get tired) listed
Barbara Gowdy's book We So
Seldom Look on Love
at the
very same time that the sad,
misfired we-have-no-
material-so- let's-go-with-
Canada-bash appeared.
Apparently no one bothered to
look into the fact that
Barbara Gowdy is, uh,

The second time was about 30
seconds ago when I noticed
that Baffler No. 9 was deemed
Shitty. I met Tom Frank in
Chicago a while back (I think
the party was even mentioned
in The Shit - at Lounge Ax or
something?), and, over a
beer, I brought up Suck,
since you seem to mention him
or his rag daily. He groaned,
"Piece of shit." and we moved
on. Though later he did point
out that your most recent
editor had tried to write for
him once, and that apparently
it was clear early on that,
"There wasn't much there."

Oh, and it might be time to
rehire the fact-checker,
should budget allow. The
Globe and Mail is in fact
published in Toronto.

Thanks for the laughs.

Dean Allen

Ooo, you sure got the goods on
us, didn't you? We don't have
a fact-checker, but you can
tell our pal Tom that the
position is open, should he
tire of reheating
quasi-socialist leftovers for
the self-fellating self-conscious
semi-intellectual set. He'll
even get paid!

In any case, since you seem to
care (in that knowing,
no-I-don't-really care way),
the Baffler No. 9 is not, in
fact, The Shit. The article
on internships, is, however
and maybe you and many others
are able to wade through the
leftist travelog that's
surrounding it.

Fish With Letter Icon

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