The Fish
for 17 July 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


I'm surprised you didn't
include Canadians in the list
of people you've pissed off.

But maybe that was your
tactic, to piss them off by
not including them.

Happy day,

Mike McCool

It just slipped our minds

Fish With Letter Icon

My Own Private "I Dunno"

Hello sir,

Your tone in the recent piece
"My Own Priviate 'I Dunno'"
has given insight into your
consumer needs. You fall into
the category of
anxious/idealizer. You will
most likely purchase a new
espresso/capuccino maker in
the next month - you can find
purchase information later in
this email. If you start to
feel, as your friends call
it, "stressed out," feel free
to experience the benefits of
prescription Prozac,
availible from your doctor.
If you start to feel worried
about making purchases with
your credit card, simply read
some of the enclosed
information about the joys of
credit, brought to you by
Visa: It's Everywhere You
Want to Be.

By following your consumer
instincts, your life will be
more productive and
satisfying. May your
purchasing life be long and

Sincerely, your friend,

Lee Azzarello #556985471

That's great advice,
particularly in a world where
good consumer instincts are
more adaptive in a Darwinian
sense than seemingly more
reasonable criteria like,
say, good eyesight, fists the
size of grapefruits, or even
a hesitancy to use
clichéd phrases. Thank
God for that, too, or our
genes wouldn't stand a
snowball's chance in Hell.

Fish With Letter Icon

Implying that Missoula is a
den of paranoid survivalists
is like calling Portland,
Oregon, a big city - it's
only that way to people who
have never been there. Take a
trip to the eastern part of
Montana sometime (Malta?),
wear your favorite
star-and-sickle T-shirt, and
you'll experience real
paranoia while looking down
the barrel of a shotgun.

Having lived in Missoula,
Kalispell, Libby, and
Colstrip - and traveled to
nearly every other town in
Montana with more than 5,000
people in it - I suggest that
you pick on Butte. Reknowned
first for the Berkeley Pit,
and second for St. Patty's
Day brawls, drinking the
water there is more likely to
induce birth defects and hair
loss than Bikini Atoll. Well,
maybe the water's not that
bad, but I certainly wouldn't
brush my teeth with it.

Incidently, I saw the PBS
thing about The Spot/Suck/
Brain Opera. I would have
never guessed Joey had such a
big mouth.

And as far as finding refuge
from the prying eyes of the
government goes (today's
piece on "privacy"), Idaho is
a much better place to hide
out than Montana. But shh,
don't tell anyone.

Selena Brewington

We would never have guessed
Joey had such a big mouth,
either. This is a man
destined for a career in
front of the camera.... We're
thinking maybe as the "What's
New in Technology" guy for a
local TV station in some
little dipshit town somewhere
like ... Butte!

Fish With Letter Icon

Stations of the Dross

Nixon revisionism had begun
well before he deceased, as I
remember. There were plenty
of magazine articles and news
reports saying, "Well, OK, he
swindled the American public,
but deep down inside, haven't
we all?" The reason for all
this revisionism is that the
press likes black and white
issues (and color
photographs, but that's
beside the point), and Nixon
was neither perfect nor
perfectly hideous. He was a
crook, he was a coarse and
vicious man. But he also
reopened dialog with China.
He unilaterally stopped the
production of biological
weapons, an extremely brave
and intelligent maneuver. He
did do some good, and
Americans don't like to have
to reconcile this. So it
looks like we'll keep going
through these ridiculous
cycles of "Nixon was
great/Nixon sucked" without
anyone ever realizing that
Nixon was just another human

Mark Ashton

In summary: He was a crook, but
he was a smart crook. Brave?
Yes. Pathological? That, too.
Unfortunately, it's not
always best to have a
pathologically brave human
being running a country. You
also don't really want one on
your basketball team, as
Rodman has so nicely
demonstrated. But that's
another story. At least the
pathological and the brave
are doing their best to keep
things interesting.

Just to clarify one point: We
don't know what kind of sick
history you have, but we
haven't swindled the American
public ... rest assured,
though, that it's at the top
of our list.

Fish With Letter Icon

My Own Private ...

Dear Consumer,

If you are sitting in a chair
that is worn out and broken
down, come on over and visit
A-1 Office Furnishings' Web
site for the most affordable
seating option found on the
Net (or for that matter
anywhere in the world). You
can find us 24 hours a day at

Thank you

Steve Grogan A-1 Office
Furnishings, Inc.

Thanks for writing to me,
Steve! I cannot tell you what
an uncomfortable time I've
been having with my worn out,
broken-down chair. Thank
goodness for A-1 Office
Furnishings and their
wonderful Web site full of
affordable seating.

Where shall I begin? I think
it all started when I was
about 14 or 15, really, the
first time I stood up to my
parents and screamed out my
burning desire to hang up a
Gang of Four poster in my
bedroom. Since then, I've had
no desire to be anybody's
pissboy, and still consider
Entertainment! to be one of
the greatest albums ever

Anyway, that defining moment
has led - or so my therapist
tells me, in between the
Janovian primal-scream
therapy sessions - to a long,
downward spiral of dead-end
jobs. In my current position,
I am forced to squat
uncomfortably on a chair with
only two legs, and thus must
lock my leg muscles for long
periods at a stretch in order
to sit at my computer and
write hard-core pornography
for The Man.

I look forward to meeting you
at your earliest convenience
to discuss alternative
seating arrangements.
Anything from a footstool on
up would be ideal, and don't
worry about the expense! I'll
just bill it as "office
supplies" on Justice Scalia's

Thanks again for your timely
and badly needed services.
Bless you!


Fish With Letter Icon

To the Pale, and Beyond!

I can take a joke. A little
satire about Canada is cool.
We can laugh at ourselves
just fine. I think it's clear
that you went way over the
line. Printing the angry
responses from other
Canadians goes beyond the
pale. Viciousness heaped upon

Christopher Scott

Fish With Letter Icon

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