The Fish
for 16 July 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Stations of the Dross

Nixon revisionism had begun
well before he deceased, as I
remember. There were plenty
of magazine articles and news
reports saying, "Well, OK, he
swindled the American public,
but deep down inside, haven't
we all?" The reason for all
this revisionism is that the
press likes black and white
issues (and color
photographs, but that's
beside the point), and Nixon
was neither perfect nor
perfectly hideous. He was a
crook, he was a coarse and
vicious man. But he also
reopened dialog with China.
He unilaterally stopped the
production of biological
weapons, an extremely brave
and intelligent maneuver. He
did do some good, and
Americans don't like to have
to reconcile this. So it
looks like we'll keep going
through these ridiculous
cycles of "Nixon was
great/Nixon sucked" without
anyone ever realizing that
Nixon was just another human

Mark Ashton

In summary: He was a crook, but
he was a smart crook. Brave?
Yes. Pathological? That, too.
Unfortunately, it's not
always best to have a
pathologically brave human
being running a country. You
also don't really want one on
your basketball team, as
Rodman has so nicely
demonstrated. But that's
another story. At least the
pathological and the brave
are doing their best to keep
things interesting.

Just to clarify one point: We
don't know what kind of sick
history you have, but we
haven't swindled the American
public ... rest assured,
though, that it's at the top
of our list.

Fish With Letter Icon

My Own Private ...

Dear Consumer,

If you are sitting in a chair
that is worn out and broken
down, come on over and visit
A-1 Office Furnishings' Web
site for the most affordable
seating option found on the
Net (or for that matter
anywhere in the world). You
can find us 24 hours a day at

Thank you

Steve Grogan A-1 Office
Furnishings, Inc.

Thanks for writing to me,
Steve! I cannot tell you what
an uncomfortable time I've
been having with my worn out,
broken-down chair. Thank
goodness for A-1 Office
Furnishings and their
wonderful Web site full of
affordable seating.

Where shall I begin? I think
it all started when I was
about 14 or 15, really, the
first time I stood up to my
parents and screamed out my
burning desire to hang up a
Gang of Four poster in my
bedroom. Since then, I've had
no desire to be anybody's
pissboy, and still consider
Entertainment! to be one of
the greatest albums ever

Anyway, that defining moment
has led - or so my therapist
tells me, in between the
Janovian primal-scream
therapy sessions - to a long,
downward spiral of dead-end
jobs. In my current position,
I am forced to squat
uncomfortably on a chair with
only two legs, and thus must
lock my leg muscles for long
periods at a stretch in order
to sit at my computer and
write hard-core pornography
for The Man.

I look forward to meeting you
at your earliest convenience
to discuss alternative
seating arrangements.
Anything from a footstool on
up would be ideal, and don't
worry about the expense! I'll
just bill it as "office
supplies" on Justice Scalia's

Thanks again for your timely
and badly needed services.
Bless you!


Fish With Letter Icon

To the Pale, and Beyond!

I can take a joke. A little
satire about Canada is cool.
We can laugh at ourselves
just fine. I think it's clear
that you went way over the
line. Printing the angry
responses from other
Canadians goes beyond the
pale. Viciousness heaped upon

Christopher Scott

Fish With Letter Icon

The Monkeys Spank Back

Subject: Coralling the Chimps

I have undying respect for you
all. Now could you please
fetch me a cool Perrier ...
and don't stand in front of
the telly.

But seriously, putting up with
the popular image of "The
Modern Male" makes me sorry I
live with them, if only by
association. I see little
difference between Maxim and Esquire,
except that Esquire has
famous hotties rather than
anonymous ones. But it's
easier if you don't know
them, right?

Most of "those men" would be
vastly impressed if they gave
homosexuality a shot. But
fuck that! Were not ... like
... fags 'n' shit.


Lee Azzarello

Esquire is also fondly
remembered for having been,
once upon a time, full of
vibrant, smart, and
adventurous writing. It was
the old Old Spy before Spy
was the Old Spy. We
nominate Might to be
the new Old Spy.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: huh?

Annie, Annie, Annie, I was
with you, pretty much, until
you got the part of your rant
covering what Maxim's "rules
for women" really imply. You
missed the point of about 90
percent of them. I hope you
were just being bitchy and
don't really misread men that



Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: what the hell!?

What the hell was today's Suck
about? What is going on here?
Gee, I thought maybe I'd pop
in for a little humor from
people who try not to take
themselves too seriously.
Jesus Christ, was I wrong.
Maxim seems like the pinnacle
for good-naturedness compared
to the stream of overcooked
hatred and seriousness today
in Suck.

Well fuck me then. When I say
"Today's Suck was a resolute
waste of my time," I mean
"Today's Suck was a resolute
waste of my time." I don't
mean that I beat my "bitch"
and think all "fags" should
be shot. The best part about
Suck has always been its
acute sense of the vacuity of
modern life and, especially,
of those who take it and
themselves too seriously. How
surprising, then, to see Suck
execute a perfect imitation
of everything that has gotten
so fucking grating the past
several years. Go away.

Thomas L. Castle

Ooo, speaking of a stream of
overcooked hatred and
seriousness, looks like we
struck a nerve! It's all fun
and games until you wander
into the crosshairs, isn't
it? Don't worry, next week
features such lighthearted
anti-serious subjects as
"People with Funny Names" and
"Cheese-Filled Pizza Crust:
Pros and Cons." The new Suck:
refreshingly void of
troubling issues.

Fish With Letter Icon

Maxim Says ...

Subject: Maxim

Dear Ann,

How about dinner and a movie?

James Heidenry
managing editor and monkey

Maxim means:

"Despite the fact you made fun
of my livelihood, I assume
you are a woman, and
therefore would like to have
sex with you."

Fish With Letter Icon

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