The Fish
for 15 July 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

The Monkeys Spank Back

Subject: Coralling the Chimps

I have undying respect for you
all. Now could you please
fetch me a cool Perrier ...
and don't stand in front of
the telly.

But seriously, putting up with
the popular image of "The
Modern Male" makes me sorry I
live with them, if only by
association. I see little
difference between Maxim and Esquire,
except that Esquire has
famous hotties rather than
anonymous ones. But it's
easier if you don't know
them, right?

Most of "those men" would be
vastly impressed if they gave
homosexuality a shot. But
fuck that! Were not ... like
... fags 'n' shit.


Lee Azzarello

Esquire is also fondly
remembered for having been,
once upon a time, full of
vibrant, smart, and
adventurous writing. It was
the old Old Spy before Spy
was the Old Spy. We
nominate Might to be
the new Old Spy.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: huh?

Annie, Annie, Annie, I was
with you, pretty much, until
you got the part of your rant
covering what Maxim's "rules
for women" really imply. You
missed the point of about 90
percent of them. I hope you
were just being bitchy and
don't really misread men that



Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: what the hell!?

What the hell was today's Suck
about? What is going on here?
Gee, I thought maybe I'd pop
in for a little humor from
people who try not to take
themselves too seriously.
Jesus Christ, was I wrong.
Maxim seems like the pinnacle
for good-naturedness compared
to the stream of overcooked
hatred and seriousness today
in Suck.

Well fuck me then. When I say
"Today's Suck was a resolute
waste of my time," I mean
"Today's Suck was a resolute
waste of my time." I don't
mean that I beat my "bitch"
and think all "fags" should
be shot. The best part about
Suck has always been its
acute sense of the vacuity of
modern life and, especially,
of those who take it and
themselves too seriously. How
surprising, then, to see Suck
execute a perfect imitation
of everything that has gotten
so fucking grating the past
several years. Go away.

Thomas L. Castle

Ooo, speaking of a stream of
overcooked hatred and
seriousness, looks like we
struck a nerve! It's all fun
and games until you wander
into the crosshairs, isn't
it? Don't worry, next week
features such lighthearted
anti-serious subjects as
"People with Funny Names" and
"Cheese-Filled Pizza Crust:
Pros and Cons." The new Suck:
refreshingly void of
troubling issues.

Fish With Letter Icon

Maxim Says ...

Subject: Maxim

Dear Ann,

How about dinner and a movie?

James Heidenry
managing editor and monkey

Maxim means:

"Despite the fact you made fun
of my livelihood, I assume
you are a woman, and
therefore would like to have
sex with you."

Fish With Letter Icon

La Dolce Viacom

I read your piece in Suck, and
just loved your observation.
Shopping has turned into an
amusement-park adventure.
Everyone has a gimmick to get
you in, but it is all the

The clothes are all made by
the same companies (just
different labels slapped on).
The decor is all the same.
The only difference is that
it covers more space than
regular mall stores. I
believe Viacom has made a
boo-boo in opening this

Another attraction I will
definitely avoid while in

Craig Mesure

Listen to us, and
listen closely: If you have
even a shred of dignity, you
will immediately expunge the
word "boo-boo" from your
vocabulary, we don't care if
you are from the Midwest.
[Fucking regionalist - ed.]

Fish With Letter Icon

Another Smart Canadian Chimes

Subject: Americans Suck

With a name like Eugen, you
shouldn't be writing
anti-national articles like
this one. Where's your family
from anyways, Europe? Tell ya
what, they don't much like
Americans over there. I
thought the article was
pretty funny, but in a really
stupid way too. I know it's
satire, but I have a question
for you: How can you call us
nationalistic? We don't have
to pledge allegiance to our
flag every morning at school.
We're not expected to cry
every time the national
anthem comes on at a baseball
game. My cousin moved to the
States a few years ago (North
Hick Dakota), and from all
the patriotic bullshit I hear
about that goes on down
there, I wouldn't want to
live there. By the way, I
laughed like hell when the
president fell off that


P.S. Your Web site really does
suck. There's nothing to look
at and scrolling down the
page is so annoying!!!

Ahem. Um. That wasn't the
president, that was a man who
ran for president and lost.
Just for future reference.

Fish With Letter Icon

On Slacker, On Hacker

Subject: slack oozes from

The Slack is like the force,
young jedi. You must spread
your word and take their
money. You crossed into a
world where people will try
to take your Slack. But fight
you must, and fight you will.
Laugh with me, Ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha h aha, ha!


We don't understand you, but
we like you.

Fish With Letter Icon

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