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The Monkeys Spank Back
Subject: Coralling the Chimps
I have undying respect for you
all. Now could you please
fetch me a cool Perrier ...
and don't stand in front of
the telly.
But seriously, putting up with
the popular image of "The
Modern Male" makes me sorry I
live with them, if only by
association. I see little
difference between Maxim and Esquire,
except that Esquire has
famous hotties rather than
anonymous ones. But it's
easier if you don't know
them, right?
Most of "those men" would be
vastly impressed if they gave
homosexuality a shot. But
fuck that! Were not ... like
... fags 'n' shit.
Sincerely,
Lee Azzarello
Esquire is also fondly
remembered for having been,
once upon a time, full of
vibrant, smart, and
adventurous writing. It was
the old Old Spy before Spy
was the Old Spy. We
nominate Might to be
the new Old Spy.
Subject: huh?
Annie, Annie, Annie, I was
with you, pretty much, until
you got the part of your rant
covering what Maxim's "rules
for women" really imply. You
missed the point of about 90
percent of them. I hope you
were just being bitchy and
don't really misread men that
intensely.
Jim
<jofire@cell2000.net>
Huh?
Subject: what the hell!?
What the hell was today's Suck
about? What is going on here?
Gee, I thought maybe I'd pop
in for a little humor from
people who try not to take
themselves too seriously.
Jesus Christ, was I wrong.
Maxim seems like the pinnacle
for good-naturedness compared
to the stream of overcooked
hatred and seriousness today
in Suck.
Well fuck me then. When I say
"Today's Suck was a resolute
waste of my time," I mean
"Today's Suck was a resolute
waste of my time." I don't
mean that I beat my "bitch"
and think all "fags" should
be shot. The best part about
Suck has always been its
acute sense of the vacuity of
modern life and, especially,
of those who take it and
themselves too seriously. How
surprising, then, to see Suck
execute a perfect imitation
of everything that has gotten
so fucking grating the past
several years. Go away.
Thomas L. Castle
Ooo, speaking of a stream of
overcooked hatred and
seriousness, looks like we
struck a nerve! It's all fun
and games until you wander
into the crosshairs, isn't
it? Don't worry, next week
features such lighthearted
anti-serious subjects as
"People with Funny Names" and
"Cheese-Filled Pizza Crust:
Pros and Cons." The new Suck:
refreshingly void of
troubling issues.
Maxim Says ...
Subject: Maxim
Dear Ann,
How about dinner and a movie?
James Heidenry
managing editor and monkey
<heidenry@maximmag.com>
Maxim means:
"Despite the fact you made fun
of my livelihood, I assume
you are a woman, and
therefore would like to have
sex with you."
La Dolce Viacom
I read your piece in Suck, and
just loved your observation.
Shopping has turned into an
amusement-park adventure.
Everyone has a gimmick to get
you in, but it is all the
same.
The clothes are all made by
the same companies (just
different labels slapped on).
The decor is all the same.
The only difference is that
it covers more space than
regular mall stores. I
believe Viacom has made a
boo-boo in opening this
store.
Another attraction I will
definitely avoid while in
Chicago.
Craig Mesure
Listen to us, and
listen closely: If you have
even a shred of dignity, you
will immediately expunge the
word "boo-boo" from your
vocabulary, we don't care if
you are from the Midwest.
[Fucking regionalist - ed.]
Another Smart Canadian Chimes
In
Subject: Americans Suck
With a name like Eugen, you
shouldn't be writing
anti-national articles like
this one. Where's your family
from anyways, Europe? Tell ya
what, they don't much like
Americans over there. I
thought the article was
pretty funny, but in a really
stupid way too. I know it's
satire, but I have a question
for you: How can you call us
nationalistic? We don't have
to pledge allegiance to our
flag every morning at school.
We're not expected to cry
every time the national
anthem comes on at a baseball
game. My cousin moved to the
States a few years ago (North
Hick Dakota), and from all
the patriotic bullshit I hear
about that goes on down
there, I wouldn't want to
live there. By the way, I
laughed like hell when the
president fell off that
ladder.
Roch
<rroch@perf.bc.ca>:
P.S. Your Web site really does
suck. There's nothing to look
at and scrolling down the
page is so annoying!!!
Ahem. Um. That wasn't the
president, that was a man who
ran for president and lost.
Just for future reference.
On Slacker, On Hacker
Subject: slack oozes from
everything
The Slack is like the force,
young jedi. You must spread
your word and take their
money. You crossed into a
world where people will try
to take your Slack. But fight
you must, and fight you will.
Laugh with me, Ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha h aha, ha!
Bo
<bocellb@sound.net>
We don't understand you, but
we like you.
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