The Fish
for 11 July 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Your ignorance and lack of
intelligence is humorous. I
wish you continued success in
your attempt to insult the
greatest country in the

Paul Alexander Petrunia

Fish With Letter Icon

Thanks for the attention
you're throwing north of the
border. While I don't agree
with everything said, I've
found your commentary to be
both insightful and humorous.
The angry letters from my
fellow countrymen simply
prove that despite all of
their ranting about "ugly
Americans," there are a fair
number of "ugly Canadians"

Graeme Scandrett

Fish With Letter Icon

That's "touque" you dumbass

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: how do you spell
Canada? C-Eh-N-Eh-D-Eh

Hi, I'm yet another Canadian
writing you in response to
your colourful rant about the
US vs. Canada. I just
graduated college with a
fellow (Kevin Ellis, an
American, actually, he's from
Alaska) who chose as his grad
project to design a Web page
that made fun of the
differences between Americans
and the rest of the world.
Specifically, in this case,
Canada. Now, the reason that I
mention this is that he found
a way to have fun with the
whole topic and not come
across as just another
offensive American, unlike
this thingy thing I

I'll admit that Canadian
content laws and Bryan Adams
suck, but we have clamato
juice, ketchup flavour chips,
and (though I'm not the best
example) know how to spell
words like "colour." (It is
also worth mentioning that
our KitKat chocolate bars
have a way better-designed
package) This could go on
forever, but let's just say
that we rock and you
suck(.com). Haha ... hum, okay
I'm a designer, not a
comedian but you get the
point. Please don't say we're
sore losers and we might as
well be Americans just
because we live close to your
border and watch your TV, I
don't know of a single
Canadian who would rather be

The differences are subtle but
they are there. I think it
was James B. (and His Royal
Jelly Orchestra) who summed
it up best:

"Americans watch TV but
Canadians watch American TV."

But, like we all expect from
Americans, you were loud and
crass and went just a bit too
far. I guess that I should
probably mention hockey in
here as well, eh? Well here it
goes: I don't like what Fox
has done to the sport. Do we
realy need a blue dot to
follow the puck around? I
realize that hockey is new to
a lot of Americans, but
really! I guess it is a
perfect example of the
differences between our two

Duncan Creamer

Fish With Letter Icon


As a self-aware and highly
patriotic Canadian, I found
your "D'oh Canada" piece to
be VERY funny. Thanks for the


Fish With Letter Icon

I'm a little late in reading
(and responding) to this
particular article; indeed, I
had not even noticed its
existence until I saw the
followup responses from some
other Canadians who seemed to
feel your words were
unwarranted, or at the very
least, incorrect. You most
likely don't really care what
anyone has to say on this
subject at this date, being
somewhat after the fact, but
I feel a need to say
something, not as a defender
of the "Canadian Way," but
simply as a person.

I'm Canadian, born and raised
in Halifax, Nova Scotia. I've
seen the militant
conservatives on our side of
the border and I've seen the
obsessive ultra-patriots
absorbed with manifest
destiny on the other. But, of
all the people I've met in my
life, both in Canada and the
US, I think it's pretty safe
to say that most people
simply don't care that much.

It's true that there are those
of us here in Canada who fear
our larger brother to the
south, and it is for this
reason that the FCC and CRTC
exist, run by xenophobic old
men and women who continue to
press "Canadian Values" upon
us in an attempt to decide
what is and is not
appropriate for us, as a
nation, to see, do, say,
read, et cetera, et cetera.
The truth of the matter is,
the only value of regulating
the "corruption of our
identity" is to increase the
sales of Canadian products
within the country ... but
then, since our government
decided in its wisdom last
year to waste hundreds of
thousands of dollars in
taxpayer's money to give
every Canadian who was smart
enough to write a free
Canadian flag, I don't really
see how we're really getting

And to be perfectly frank,
there are a lot of things
that really stink about both
countries, and a lot of
things that are really great
about both. One of the issues
most often raised as a point
for Canada in the great
debate is the issue of
universal health care. Yes,
it's true, we don't have to
pay for Medicare, whereas in
the US you pay up for the
services. Unfortunately, what
most Canadians don't like to
bring up is the fact that the
waiting lists for our free
services are usually measured
in months if not years ...
and in the end, many
Canadians who have conditions
that our doctors have deemed
to be "not requiring
immediate attention" will hop
over the border to the US,
pay, and be healthy now
rather than wait in pain
simply because their
affliction isn't considered
life threatening.

As far as television and the
lot goes.... I love Canadian
television. The CBC has
incredible shows, and I have
to admit, my one largest
prejudice is that I believe
Canadian comedians are
funnier than their American
counterparts ... of course,
this is due largely in part
to the fact that most
Canadian comedians are
satirists, and our government
gives us so much to make fun
of. But aside from the CBC,
our TV stinks. So does a lot
of American TV, but then
again, there are some
wonderful shows that come out
of the US that I would miss
terribly if I couldn't watch
them. And the basic fact is,
the variety available from
the US stations is immense
compared to the few selective
topics covered by Canadian

At any rate, what I'm really
trying to say here is, for
the most part you're right,
if perhaps a bit too
generalized.... I wasn't
particularly offended by your
article, and I must admit I
found it amusing to read over
some of the responses you
received from my irate
brethren. And everyone else
in the office who read it
basically felt the same. I'm
sure most Americans couldn't
care less, and as you said,
most don't even think about
Canada that much. National
Identity isn't a grand,
ineffable concept, it's lines
on a map. To the rest of the
world, we're not Canada and
the US, we're North America,
or, more commonly, simply
"America," a general grouping
most Canadians are happy to
live with. There will always
be shit disturbers on both
sides of the border, but when
it really comes down to it,
most people would rather just
set national pride aside and
watch the game ... whether
it's hockey or not.

Kevin Hughes

Fish With Letter Icon


Too bad, you fell for it.

The real thing that Canadians
love, more than anything else
in the whole, wide,
British-Columbia world is to
talk about ourselves. Well,
that and tricking others into
talking about us.

It's not so much who we are,
but that we just keep going
on and on and on about it.
It's not our identity, it's
our contemplation of our

Hell, contemplation is to too
strong a word. Yacking is
more appropriate. We just
like flappin' our jaws about
ourselves. Everyone up here
thinks that Carly Simon
really did write that stupid
song about us.

Anyways, thanks for the


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Canada kicks ass

How dare you say that about
us, yes up here in Canada.
You American think you are so
strong, don't ya. Just because
you have nukes. Think of it
this way, Canada gives you
the uranium for the nukes,
without it they would be
duds. Also at least our Prime
Minister (President) does not
go out and pull down his
pants in a Little Rock hotel
so Paula Jones can get a good
look at his manhood. So in
ending, FUCK OFF.


Fish With Letter Icon

Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
I must say, when dip-shit,
redneck, AmerHICKans die,
it's cause for a celebration.
I'm looking forward to the
next bit of entertaining
news from your cesspool of
a nation. Trailer trash....

Brian Gallerno

Fish With Letter Icon

I couldn't help but notice the
amount of anal responses to
your article, and I'd like to
apologize for my rude hoser
pals. And I'd also like to
contribute a rant of my own,
the subject of which is
Canadian identity:

As long as Americans drive to
Toronto in July with downhill
skis strapped to the top of
their cars, or look at a map
and see "Here be dragons" in
the vast area above the USA,
we'll have a strong national
identity based on being the
polite, funny, and (yes)
gullible Canadians. After
all, the rest of the world
does like us better than you
(whenever you're not around),
and we do come up with some
funny jokes (like Lorne
Michaels), and when push
comes to shove, we're the
guys that happily get shoved.
Even our soldiers are trained
to understand orders given by
people in various uniforms
and in various languages. I'm
happy with our situation,
because we can always
attribute our worst faults to
the "American Influence," and
our best qualities to
Canadian intelligence. If
that means being pushed
around a little and getting
caught in the Cuba conflict
every time a US election
rolls around, so be it!
Culturally, we can treat your
entire country like a salad
bar. We're welcomed among
you, and we're free to take
whichever cultural elements
we want. Then, we can come
home, throw on some Oscar
Peterson, and smoke a Cuban
while contemplating how much
nicer, smarter, and just
plain better we are than you.

And as long as you guys can't
find us on a map, we're
completely safe from any
retaliation! So THERE,

Vivek Balasubramanyam

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Sucky Canuky

How y'all doin', eh?

Um ... so, like, I'm really,
like, a Merican, huh?

Wow! Kul.

And it's been like this all
the time, huh? Like, you
know, a dream come true -
like that Merican dreamer
thing, huh? I am so, like,

Uh, so can I ask, like, a
question? I mean, like, I'm a
Merican so, uh, like I can,
right? That freedom thing,

So, um, what's, like, your
point, exactly?

Sorry, you know, like I don't
do that attention thing so
good. You know, your a
Merican, too, huh?

Y'all come back now, eh?

Ron Pinder

Fish With Letter Icon

Very, very good. Just reading
your dissection of Canadian
hate mail.

I've done too much time in
that innocent, frigid country -
business, vacation travel,
and even a Canadian
girlfriend. Her undying
Canadianness (she tried hard
to mask it, so much did she
want to become an American
aboard a marriage license)
did me in, however, and I now
know I will never be able to
deal with the Napoleonic
complex that plagues the
cheese heads.

Carry on.

[Name Withheld]

Fish With Letter Icon

Well, I just looked at your
Canadian page and I'm left to
wonder your source of
information. Are you still
reading the American (notice
I capitalized the "A" in
American for you) newspapers
for information, I wonder.

Let's remember that Canadian
elections are only six weeks
long and American elections
take over a year. So did our
Prime Minister call an early
election, or was he just
trying to beat the American
rush on politic news?

If I truly wanted to be an
American, I would need the
following equipment: Bullet
Proof Vest, Security Blanket,
Deep Pockets, A Mafia Family
Relation, A prejudice
attitude, A Stupid Brain, and
a language course. Sorry, I
could not afford it on the
lower salary I'd earn, the
lower care health benefits I
would have to save for and
the politicans I have to
bribe just to earn a decent



EH! Yourself


Fish With Letter Icon

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