The Fish
for 10 July 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

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T. Jay Fowler
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& Ass Kicker

 

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Heather Havrilesky
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Suck Alumni Text
 

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Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Subject: Canada kicks ass

How dare you say that about
us, yes up here in Canada.
You American think you are so
strong, don't ya. Just because
you have nukes. Think of it
this way, Canada gives you
the uranium for the nukes,
without it they would be
duds. Also at least our Prime
Minister (President) does not
go out and pull down his
pants in a Little Rock hotel
so Paula Jones can get a good
look at his manhood. So in
ending, FUCK OFF.

Dave
<sheerins@interlog.com>

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
I must say, when dip-shit,
redneck, AmerHICKans die,
it's cause for a celebration.
I'm looking forward to the
next bit of entertaining
news from your cesspool of
a nation. Trailer trash....

Brian Gallerno

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

I couldn't help but notice the
amount of anal responses to
your article, and I'd like to
apologize for my rude hoser
pals. And I'd also like to
contribute a rant of my own,
the subject of which is
Canadian identity:

As long as Americans drive to
Toronto in July with downhill
skis strapped to the top of
their cars, or look at a map
and see "Here be dragons" in
the vast area above the USA,
we'll have a strong national
identity based on being the
polite, funny, and (yes)
gullible Canadians. After
all, the rest of the world
does like us better than you
(whenever you're not around),
and we do come up with some
funny jokes (like Lorne
Michaels), and when push
comes to shove, we're the
guys that happily get shoved.
Even our soldiers are trained
to understand orders given by
people in various uniforms
and in various languages. I'm
happy with our situation,
because we can always
attribute our worst faults to
the "American Influence," and
our best qualities to
Canadian intelligence. If
that means being pushed
around a little and getting
caught in the Cuba conflict
every time a US election
rolls around, so be it!
Culturally, we can treat your
entire country like a salad
bar. We're welcomed among
you, and we're free to take
whichever cultural elements
we want. Then, we can come
home, throw on some Oscar
Peterson, and smoke a Cuban
while contemplating how much
nicer, smarter, and just
plain better we are than you.

And as long as you guys can't
find us on a map, we're
completely safe from any
retaliation! So THERE,
Yankee!

Vivek Balasubramanyam
<vabalasu
@novice.uwaterloo.ca>

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Sucky Canuky

How y'all doin', eh?

Um ... so, like, I'm really,
like, a Merican, huh?

Wow! Kul.

And it's been like this all
the time, huh? Like, you
know, a dream come true -
like that Merican dreamer
thing, huh? I am so, like,
happy.

Uh, so can I ask, like, a
question? I mean, like, I'm a
Merican so, uh, like I can,
right? That freedom thing,
right?

So, um, what's, like, your
point, exactly?

Sorry, you know, like I don't
do that attention thing so
good. You know, your a
Merican, too, huh?

Y'all come back now, eh?

Ron Pinder
<pinder@nortel.ca>

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Very, very good. Just reading
your dissection of Canadian
hate mail.

I've done too much time in
that innocent, frigid country -
business, vacation travel,
and even a Canadian
girlfriend. Her undying
Canadianness (she tried hard
to mask it, so much did she
want to become an American
aboard a marriage license)
did me in, however, and I now
know I will never be able to
deal with the Napoleonic
complex that plagues the
cheese heads.

Carry on.

[Name Withheld]

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Well, I just looked at your
Canadian page and I'm left to
wonder your source of
information. Are you still
reading the American (notice
I capitalized the "A" in
American for you) newspapers
for information, I wonder.

Let's remember that Canadian
elections are only six weeks
long and American elections
take over a year. So did our
Prime Minister call an early
election, or was he just
trying to beat the American
rush on politic news?

If I truly wanted to be an
American, I would need the
following equipment: Bullet
Proof Vest, Security Blanket,
Deep Pockets, A Mafia Family
Relation, A prejudice
attitude, A Stupid Brain, and
a language course. Sorry, I
could not afford it on the
lower salary I'd earn, the
lower care health benefits I
would have to save for and
the politicans I have to
bribe just to earn a decent
living.

NO THANKS, IT'S IS MUCH NICER
UP HERE, SITTING ON YOUR
HEAD! EH!

A true GREAT WHITE NORTH
resident

EH! Yourself

<gallerno@netcom.ca>

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

It's too bad I did not see
your article on racism
earlier, as I would have
liked to contribute to the
mass of "hateful mail" sent
your way. As it stands, having
read the invective hurled
your way, I have only this to
say.

1) No matter how apparently
hip, an American is an
American (sidearm optional).

2) Unresearched articles, while,
being quite entertaining,
have no other redeeming
qualities.

Francis Dupuis
<zaphodd
@intergate.bc.ca>
Vancouver, BC

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Sucksters,

To expound upon the tired
thread of Canadians Suck,
Americans Suck, here's my two
dollars worth (We have 'em up
here, eh).

Canada is the USA's first
cousin who comes from a small
town.

Canada is what most Americans
think the US should be like.

Canada is getting sick and not
thinking that you will be
poor and destitute after
paying 4 million dollars for
that appendix removal.

Canada is growing up watching
reruns of Hogan's Heroes (on
Cable).

Canada is a nation formed by
the hand of fear of a
million-man Civil War army
with no more Confederates to
shoot.

Canada is winter weather that
can kill you.

Canada is really big.

Canada does not have a lot of
people spread around.

Canada is the US's largest
trading partner.

Canada is lead by a guy who
talks funny.

Canada is part English, part
French, part everywhere else.

Canada is the home.

Regards,

Douglas A. Denny
<denny@fox.nstn.ca>

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Howdy! Uh ... I mean ...
hello.

I found both the original
article on Canada and the
followup statistics quite
amusing. After working for
the past two years in various
states (and flying back to my
home in Toronto every second
weekend), I have had numerous
debates with my clients'
employees on "Canada vs. THE
USA." Some thoughts on my
travels:

1) Paying $5(US) for a Toronto
Star
newspaper a week before
the Quebec referendum on
sovereignty (since I didn't
have Net access at the time)
because I couldn't find ANY
news on it in the US - except
on the night of the vote. I
loved how all my American
co-workers then asked "So,
how did YOU vote?" Umm, guys?
It was for Quebec RESIDENTS,
right?

2) I enjoy hearing how "all
that cold air's comin' down
from Canada" on all the US
weather reports. Yes,
Canadians all get up early,
every morning, march the 100
miles (or less) down to the
border with our fans and
buckets of ice to manufacture
cold fronts, just for youse
guys.

3) Our Canadian VP and Chicago
salesguy once came down to
speak with our client contact
at a large, Midwestern-based
telecommunications company.
Said company was outsourcing
a significant amount of
systems work to a company in
India. After being asked if
our (Canadian) company could
provide more consultants on
their projects ($$$), the
client contact said, "Sure,
as long as it isn't those
FOREIGN consultants."

4) Compared to Irish and
English beer, Canadian beer
sucks just as much as
American beer.

5) There have been times on
the Toronto subway, during
rush hour, that I wished I
had a "constitutional right
to bear arms."

6) For every Canada/US joke
ever conceived, all rolled
into a perfect movie, watch
Canadian Bacon by Michael
Moore.

Thanks for the snarkiness!

Tom Marciniak
<tmarcini@netron.com>

P.S. It's "touque," not "touk"
... isn't it?

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Save the Canuck

Canucks wear maple-leaf flags
on their backpacks after
France insisted that the
EuroState declare Canadians
an endangered species, just
12 months after declaring
French a dying tongue....

Watch a ferry full o' Canucks
cross the Channel and several
Greenpeace dirigbles follow
to protect them from Japanese
Canucking ships.

When approaching a North
American, Euros are advised
to ask if they are Canadian,
as Canucks are easy upset,
and nothing appears to dent
the consciousness of a Yank
tourist.

If Bryan Adams is so Canadian
why does he live in London?
If he wants to stay there, can
we get Elton John to move to
Toronto? (please)

Canucks have Elizabeth Regina
II on their currency, but
only the Americans can really
afford to keep her in the
manner she is accustomed to.

Wanna buy Hong Kong? No
cheques....

Make Mine Suck....

Philip Page
<airtight@adept.co.uk>

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Yankee Doodle Dandy

Ha ha. You are hysterical.
Weird wild stuff. You know
why Amercans are so great?
Because they make Canadians
looks 100 times better in the
eyes of the rest of the
world. Thanks. Keep up the
good work. And although Rush
may suck the bag, they were
bigger in the States than
they were in Canada. Weird
wild stuff. Anyways, you may
go back to the couch now, and
continue to eat your
porkrinds and catch up on
Jerry Springer. A true
American icon.

Del Monte
<lemonass@hotmail.com>

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Oh, bless my obnoxious
American soul (I can't bring
myself to say Yank, bein' a
suth'ner 'n' all), I haven't
laughed so hard in a good
long while. The original
piece was a beautiful example
of taking a viewpoint and
reveling in it, whole-hog,
come hell or high water. It
was extremism as art. It was
plain damn funny.

Best of all, though, was
definitely the "feedback" you
got from natives of the 51st
state, and the cartoons
illustrating the claims of
your respondants. Geez, is
this scientific proof that
inordinate amounts of snow
and living in a land of
eternal winter turns you into
a 100 percent grade-A whiner?

I dunno. Right now, I've got
some crazy itchin' to go
invade a small country and
"oversee" the subsequent
"democratic elections." Maybe
I'll even play loud rock
music at its former leader,
laughing to myself as I smoke
a Marlboro and drink a Bud.
When's the last time a Canuck
had that sort of fun, eh?
I'll bet if they got out and
kicked some actual butt every
now and then, rather than
sitting around, watching
satellite TV and crossing the
border in search of the
nearest Wal-Mart, they'd not
be so dang anal retentive all
the time.

Regards,

Michael. "I'm a Democrat,
honest, I don't know what
came over me" W.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

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