The Fish
for 9 July 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

It's too bad I did not see
your article on racism
earlier, as I would have
liked to contribute to the
mass of "hateful mail" sent
your way. As it stands, having
read the invective hurled
your way, I have only this to

1) No matter how apparently
hip, an American is an
American (sidearm optional).

2) Unresearched articles, while,
being quite entertaining,
have no other redeeming

Francis Dupuis
Vancouver, BC

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To expound upon the tired
thread of Canadians Suck,
Americans Suck, here's my two
dollars worth (We have 'em up
here, eh).

Canada is the USA's first
cousin who comes from a small

Canada is what most Americans
think the US should be like.

Canada is getting sick and not
thinking that you will be
poor and destitute after
paying 4 million dollars for
that appendix removal.

Canada is growing up watching
reruns of Hogan's Heroes (on

Canada is a nation formed by
the hand of fear of a
million-man Civil War army
with no more Confederates to

Canada is winter weather that
can kill you.

Canada is really big.

Canada does not have a lot of
people spread around.

Canada is the US's largest
trading partner.

Canada is lead by a guy who
talks funny.

Canada is part English, part
French, part everywhere else.

Canada is the home.


Douglas A. Denny

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Howdy! Uh ... I mean ...

I found both the original
article on Canada and the
followup statistics quite
amusing. After working for
the past two years in various
states (and flying back to my
home in Toronto every second
weekend), I have had numerous
debates with my clients'
employees on "Canada vs. THE
USA." Some thoughts on my

1) Paying $5(US) for a Toronto
newspaper a week before
the Quebec referendum on
sovereignty (since I didn't
have Net access at the time)
because I couldn't find ANY
news on it in the US - except
on the night of the vote. I
loved how all my American
co-workers then asked "So,
how did YOU vote?" Umm, guys?
It was for Quebec RESIDENTS,

2) I enjoy hearing how "all
that cold air's comin' down
from Canada" on all the US
weather reports. Yes,
Canadians all get up early,
every morning, march the 100
miles (or less) down to the
border with our fans and
buckets of ice to manufacture
cold fronts, just for youse

3) Our Canadian VP and Chicago
salesguy once came down to
speak with our client contact
at a large, Midwestern-based
telecommunications company.
Said company was outsourcing
a significant amount of
systems work to a company in
India. After being asked if
our (Canadian) company could
provide more consultants on
their projects ($$$), the
client contact said, "Sure,
as long as it isn't those
FOREIGN consultants."

4) Compared to Irish and
English beer, Canadian beer
sucks just as much as
American beer.

5) There have been times on
the Toronto subway, during
rush hour, that I wished I
had a "constitutional right
to bear arms."

6) For every Canada/US joke
ever conceived, all rolled
into a perfect movie, watch
Canadian Bacon by Michael

Thanks for the snarkiness!

Tom Marciniak

P.S. It's "touque," not "touk"
... isn't it?

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Subject: Save the Canuck

Canucks wear maple-leaf flags
on their backpacks after
France insisted that the
EuroState declare Canadians
an endangered species, just
12 months after declaring
French a dying tongue....

Watch a ferry full o' Canucks
cross the Channel and several
Greenpeace dirigbles follow
to protect them from Japanese
Canucking ships.

When approaching a North
American, Euros are advised
to ask if they are Canadian,
as Canucks are easy upset,
and nothing appears to dent
the consciousness of a Yank

If Bryan Adams is so Canadian
why does he live in London?
If he wants to stay there, can
we get Elton John to move to
Toronto? (please)

Canucks have Elizabeth Regina
II on their currency, but
only the Americans can really
afford to keep her in the
manner she is accustomed to.

Wanna buy Hong Kong? No

Make Mine Suck....

Philip Page

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Subject: Yankee Doodle Dandy

Ha ha. You are hysterical.
Weird wild stuff. You know
why Amercans are so great?
Because they make Canadians
looks 100 times better in the
eyes of the rest of the
world. Thanks. Keep up the
good work. And although Rush
may suck the bag, they were
bigger in the States than
they were in Canada. Weird
wild stuff. Anyways, you may
go back to the couch now, and
continue to eat your
porkrinds and catch up on
Jerry Springer. A true
American icon.

Del Monte

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Oh, bless my obnoxious
American soul (I can't bring
myself to say Yank, bein' a
suth'ner 'n' all), I haven't
laughed so hard in a good
long while. The original
piece was a beautiful example
of taking a viewpoint and
reveling in it, whole-hog,
come hell or high water. It
was extremism as art. It was
plain damn funny.

Best of all, though, was
definitely the "feedback" you
got from natives of the 51st
state, and the cartoons
illustrating the claims of
your respondants. Geez, is
this scientific proof that
inordinate amounts of snow
and living in a land of
eternal winter turns you into
a 100 percent grade-A whiner?

I dunno. Right now, I've got
some crazy itchin' to go
invade a small country and
"oversee" the subsequent
"democratic elections." Maybe
I'll even play loud rock
music at its former leader,
laughing to myself as I smoke
a Marlboro and drink a Bud.
When's the last time a Canuck
had that sort of fun, eh?
I'll bet if they got out and
kicked some actual butt every
now and then, rather than
sitting around, watching
satellite TV and crossing the
border in search of the
nearest Wal-Mart, they'd not
be so dang anal retentive all
the time.


Michael. "I'm a Democrat,
honest, I don't know what
came over me" W.

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At risk of Molson's revoking
my identity as a Canadian,
I'd say that Suck got the
response it did precisely
because you hit us where it
hurts. We know that we're
prime consumers of Americana,
quite frankly we're ashamed
of it, and yet no one can
drag themselves away from the
glossy vacuous allure of
Melrose Place and support
wholesome Canadian fare like
Rita MacNeil & Friends.
The majority of us like to
justify our consumption of
American media at the expense
of our own as a phenomena
akin to bystanders watching
at a gorey car accident (it's
... so ... horrible, but ...
we ... can't ... look ...
away) and some would argue
that it's impossible to escape
from, but you know we're the
ones who just reelected the
political party responsible
for hacking away at all
things considered uniquely
Canadian (the CBC, the
National Film Board, health
care, education, etc.). Hey
Canucks, if you're so
concerned about Canadian
identity, pay attention to
what our government is doing,
not what the Americans are
saying about us.

And you know, it says a lot
about neuroticism on a
national scale when we have
to resort to sandbox tactics
"we got Donovan Bailey, you
got the loser! You got Tom
Clancy, we got Margaret
Atwood!" Give me a break, who
wants a nation culturally
defined by things like the
bloated beast of Hockey Night
or egotistical track stars?
Are we going to start
bragging about who has the
bigger, um, johnson? Trying
to one-up the Americans by
clamoring about who has the
better overpaid,
overglorified athletes or
whatever cultural criteria
you cling to, only shows how
insecure you are. And really,
you're just giving those
martini swilling Aucksters
more fodder.... Just me and
my maple syrup, eh....

shannon hancock

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Subject: I am...

Certainly not an American. And
I'm certainly not angry.

I say please and thank you.

I elect my government when I
want, not on some fascist
tempo of every two or four or
six years.

I brew my beer with an actual
kick, and I never contradict
the fact that the Irish make
the best beer in the world,
Guinness. (After all, it's
not the Michelob book of
world records, is it.) I am
proud to call Lorne Michaels,
Dan Aykroyd, Peter Jennings,
Matthew Perry, and last and
certainly anything but least,
Pamela Anderson Lee, as

I chuckle over accusations of
"gray markets" in satellite
dishes, when I see all those
humidoric contents made on a
to be nameless Caribbean
island finding their way out
of the Toronto emporiums and
over the Rainbow or the Blue
Water or the Ambassador

I snigger at those denizens of
the city by the bay, as an
example, who, nestled in their
monotonic climate, actually
believe that the glaciers
have never left the Great

I guffaw at the powers that be
who waffle and wiffle when
there are people suffering
from the overflow of the Red
River on their side of 49N,
where we get the armed forces
in, and have an election
campaign to boot.

I express resignation when
the Canadian Content laws are
brought out as some sort of
evil. Like we can't choose to
keep our own stuff. It would
be like my big brother saying
he can have all the stuff in
my room, because he's bigger.

I modestly note the fourth
consecutive choice of Canada
as the "Best Country in the
World in which to live" as
chosen by the United Nations.
Probably because we don't
jack their diplomats' cars. I
point out where the world's
fastest human lives, despite
the desparate need of the
media to add apples to
oranges and try to get a
peach out of a competitor in
another race.

I remember those who had their
land stolen so that Bill
Clinton and all the
presidents before him could
have an office and a bedroom
to sell. I remember a night
in Dayton, Ohio, in the
middle of a February
blizzard, when the only cash
to my name was a Canadian
$20, when accepting it would
mean that we would eat, and
not being able to because it
was not "real money."

Randy MacDonald

Fish With Letter Icon

I'm Canadian I'm Overweight
I'm Stupid I'm Smart I'm a
Hoser I'm Bald I'm Happy I'm
Sad I'm your neighbor (Your
Spelling - not ours) I'm glad
I don't give a rat's ass
(actually what's wrong with a
rat's ass) I'm sure you don't
either? So what the hell
What's the bitch? We have to
get up tomorrow.... And do it
all over again... I'm
Canadian - You're not We're
both lucky

Sparky FrOm CaNAda

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Hello Sucksters (do you
really like to be called

I just read your feature on
Canada, and I have a few
comments. Firstly, I am an
Amercian, from the south
(Kentucky, to be exact), and
I am engaged to a Canadian.
We met over the Internet. I
have visited him in Canada,
and he has come down to see
me here in the US.

In reading your article, there
was a letter about the
stereotypical views Americans
have about Canadians. Well,
Americans have stereotypes
about themselves too. I've
had people amazed that I wear
shoes, when they find out I'm
from the South.

Also, when I went to Canada,
the people up there couldn't
believe we actually had snow
in Kentucky. So, these things
go both ways. For the record,
I enjoyed my visits in
Canada, and my fiancé
enjoyed coming to the States.
We tease each other about the
difference, but despite what
people might think, I think
our two countries have more
in common than anything else.

Robin Campbell

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I had a Web page which made
fun of Canada, and also
received a decent share of
hate mail (about 12 letters).

The only subject I've written
about which received more
hate mail? Hanson (the pop
group). If you want some
REALLY repetitive, senseless
hate mail, mention THEM.

Will Hines

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Michele Jensen

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Subject: Canadian Has a Good

Nice job on the Canadian
article! I enjoyed the look
back at myself - very funny

It's nice to see that all
Americans aren't as arrogant
as the letters suggest. Some
of you are quite clever and
I'll visit America again some
time soon. Keep up the good

Rick Dolishny

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