The Fish
for 8 July 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

At risk of Molson's revoking
my identity as a Canadian,
I'd say that Suck got the
response it did precisely
because you hit us where it
hurts. We know that we're
prime consumers of Americana,
quite frankly we're ashamed
of it, and yet no one can
drag themselves away from the
glossy vacuous allure of
Melrose Place and support
wholesome Canadian fare like
Rita MacNeil & Friends.
The majority of us like to
justify our consumption of
American media at the expense
of our own as a phenomena
akin to bystanders watching
at a gorey car accident (it's
... so ... horrible, but ...
we ... can't ... look ...
away) and some would argue
that it's impossible to escape
from, but you know we're the
ones who just reelected the
political party responsible
for hacking away at all
things considered uniquely
Canadian (the CBC, the
National Film Board, health
care, education, etc.). Hey
Canucks, if you're so
concerned about Canadian
identity, pay attention to
what our government is doing,
not what the Americans are
saying about us.

And you know, it says a lot
about neuroticism on a
national scale when we have
to resort to sandbox tactics
"we got Donovan Bailey, you
got the loser! You got Tom
Clancy, we got Margaret
Atwood!" Give me a break, who
wants a nation culturally
defined by things like the
bloated beast of Hockey Night
or egotistical track stars?
Are we going to start
bragging about who has the
bigger, um, johnson? Trying
to one-up the Americans by
clamoring about who has the
better overpaid,
overglorified athletes or
whatever cultural criteria
you cling to, only shows how
insecure you are. And really,
you're just giving those
martini swilling Aucksters
more fodder.... Just me and
my maple syrup, eh....

shannon hancock

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: I am...

Certainly not an American. And
I'm certainly not angry.

I say please and thank you.

I elect my government when I
want, not on some fascist
tempo of every two or four or
six years.

I brew my beer with an actual
kick, and I never contradict
the fact that the Irish make
the best beer in the world,
Guinness. (After all, it's
not the Michelob book of
world records, is it.) I am
proud to call Lorne Michaels,
Dan Aykroyd, Peter Jennings,
Matthew Perry, and last and
certainly anything but least,
Pamela Anderson Lee, as

I chuckle over accusations of
"gray markets" in satellite
dishes, when I see all those
humidoric contents made on a
to be nameless Caribbean
island finding their way out
of the Toronto emporiums and
over the Rainbow or the Blue
Water or the Ambassador

I snigger at those denizens of
the city by the bay, as an
example, who, nestled in their
monotonic climate, actually
believe that the glaciers
have never left the Great

I guffaw at the powers that be
who waffle and wiffle when
there are people suffering
from the overflow of the Red
River on their side of 49N,
where we get the armed forces
in, and have an election
campaign to boot.

I express resignation when
the Canadian Content laws are
brought out as some sort of
evil. Like we can't choose to
keep our own stuff. It would
be like my big brother saying
he can have all the stuff in
my room, because he's bigger.

I modestly note the fourth
consecutive choice of Canada
as the "Best Country in the
World in which to live" as
chosen by the United Nations.
Probably because we don't
jack their diplomats' cars. I
point out where the world's
fastest human lives, despite
the desparate need of the
media to add apples to
oranges and try to get a
peach out of a competitor in
another race.

I remember those who had their
land stolen so that Bill
Clinton and all the
presidents before him could
have an office and a bedroom
to sell. I remember a night
in Dayton, Ohio, in the
middle of a February
blizzard, when the only cash
to my name was a Canadian
$20, when accepting it would
mean that we would eat, and
not being able to because it
was not "real money."

Randy MacDonald

Fish With Letter Icon

I'm Canadian I'm Overweight
I'm Stupid I'm Smart I'm a
Hoser I'm Bald I'm Happy I'm
Sad I'm your neighbor (Your
Spelling - not ours) I'm glad
I don't give a rat's ass
(actually what's wrong with a
rat's ass) I'm sure you don't
either? So what the hell
What's the bitch? We have to
get up tomorrow.... And do it
all over again... I'm
Canadian - You're not We're
both lucky

Sparky FrOm CaNAda

Fish With Letter Icon

Hello Sucksters (do you
really like to be called

I just read your feature on
Canada, and I have a few
comments. Firstly, I am an
Amercian, from the south
(Kentucky, to be exact), and
I am engaged to a Canadian.
We met over the Internet. I
have visited him in Canada,
and he has come down to see
me here in the US.

In reading your article, there
was a letter about the
stereotypical views Americans
have about Canadians. Well,
Americans have stereotypes
about themselves too. I've
had people amazed that I wear
shoes, when they find out I'm
from the South.

Also, when I went to Canada,
the people up there couldn't
believe we actually had snow
in Kentucky. So, these things
go both ways. For the record,
I enjoyed my visits in
Canada, and my fiancé
enjoyed coming to the States.
We tease each other about the
difference, but despite what
people might think, I think
our two countries have more
in common than anything else.

Robin Campbell

Fish With Letter Icon

I had a Web page which made
fun of Canada, and also
received a decent share of
hate mail (about 12 letters).

The only subject I've written
about which received more
hate mail? Hanson (the pop
group). If you want some
REALLY repetitive, senseless
hate mail, mention THEM.

Will Hines

Fish With Letter Icon



Michele Jensen

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Canadian Has a Good

Nice job on the Canadian
article! I enjoyed the look
back at myself - very funny

It's nice to see that all
Americans aren't as arrogant
as the letters suggest. Some
of you are quite clever and
I'll visit America again some
time soon. Keep up the good

Rick Dolishny

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Canadian backlash

Your Canadian readers may have
reacted vehemently to your
feature on Canada, but surely
your reaction to their
reaction was an
over-reaction? Forty-three
letters, and you compile a
mountain of statistics, and
respond to individual
allegations in a separate
feature. Protesting too much,
I think?

Please slag off the English
next - it'd cheer the Celts
up no end.

Jenny Delaney

You're gonna love the next
week of reader mail....

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Your pathetic attempt
at intellectualism

Well, I read your little essay
on the Great White North. I'm
not going to pretend to be
shocked or outraged. The
truth of the matter is that
I, as a Canadian, am used to
hearing such drivel. What I
do find to be most offensive
however, is the manner in
which you pass it off as some
sort of indisputable,
academic truth. You're a
pseudo-intellectual fool,
Eugen. If I thought for a
moment that your argument was
based on some sort of
anthropological premise, then
I would be less critical.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Canada gets Warm

Hello,'re pretty
bitter. We, as Canadians, do
understand that there isn't a
very large difference between
cultures. That is why what we
have left is guarded so

Maybe you're a little
sheltered? Could that be why
you are the only person in
eight years that I've heard
mention something about the
MacKenzie Brothers? And I
don't even know what Porky's
is.... Perhaps you are more
familiar with Canadian
culture than I am? But I
doubt it.

In any case, to any other
nationality, the article
might have been funny. But I
found it ignorant. I forgive
you. You are American.

Ashlea Wells weezie

Thought-provoking opinion
piece, to say the least. Many
interesting ideas that bear
further investigation and a
prolonged bout of navel
gazing, but I'd like to pass
along one small request to
the author of the piece.

If you, as an American
participating in an
international forum
atmosphere on the Web, would
like to continue to seek my
business, my "awful little
coins" and dollar-that-isn't-
really-a-dollar for American
business, drop the
ass-kicking attitude and
treat me with the respect any
customer deserves. Canadians
provide a convenient
ready-made market for many of
your products, at an
attractive exchange rate you
so politely referred to.
There's a whole big world out
there beyond your borders -
and we're just one of many
nations conversing on the
Web. In spite of the many
valid questions the article
in question brings up, what
really becomes most evident
through reading it is not the
perceived faults of
Canadians, but the writer's
myopic view of a world around
him that's grown bigger than
his vision can accommodate.
Suck should purchase Mr.
Eugen von Bohm-Bawerk an
industrial size pair of
Coke-bottle glasses and give
him a shove out into the real

Laurie McConnell, Canadian

Fish With Letter Icon

You haven't a clue about
Canada you stupid fuck.

Music Mart Pro Staff

Just a note to say how much I
enjoyed both articles on
Canada. I was in Calgary last
summer, and while the local
ethically challenged may not
like US culture, they are not
afraid of some historically
gentle European cultures. At
least they sure as hell liked
the emblem on my old

Other areas in which they lead
the US: the number of
blood-sucking insects per
capita, and the lovely way in
which they whine about how
lucky we are to be able to
buy so much for so little
with our US dollars.


Steven W. Swarthout

Fish With Letter Icon

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