The Fish
for 17 June 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit and Run

The melancholy expressed when
mentioning the seriously
funny Nat Lamp of the late
'70s caused me, in my normal
a.m. stupor, to realize the
degree to which the overall
Suckers are potentially very
influenced by same. This is a
good thing, by the way, as
the combined horsepower of
the Lampoon at that time, was

I had to open up my
falling-apart copy of the
Lampoon 1964 Yearbook parody
... Polly Esther? Yes, it's
true. In the mini pictures of
the underclassmen, each named
with a funny name, is a
person named Polly Esther.
Random name selection? I
think not.

To loosely quote Mark Twain,
"The only people who can
legitimately plagiarize are
kings, editors, and people
with worms."


Patrick Hickey

You think that only one person
in the world has the two or
three brain cells required to
dream up the name Polly
Esther, or Polly Morfus, or
Polly Amorous, for that

Besides, how do you know we
don't have worms?

Fish With Letter Icon

The Shit

Subject: re: the shit


It's rhinoceri, boneheads. Get
it straight.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Your tender

Being certifiably clueless, I
originally thought The Shit
was a list of things you
considered to be shitty,
until my wife enlightened me.
And I was just celebrating
the demise of "baaad"
(meaning good), without
question a blight on the
vernacular. But I still don't
get it. Why are you promoting
products and people for free?
Where's the Suck attitude in
that? And further - if this
is stuff you really enjoy -
and, like, want to (ugh)
SHARE with us - aren't you
revealing a sentimental,
gushy side, not to say
actually admitting to having
one? For instance, in The
Shit of 5 June, you list
rhinoceroses. Of course, this
may not be what it seems, it
might be one of those combos
kids these days like so much,
but if you mean the animal -
is this some kind of
schoolgirl sentimentality
creeping in? Do you guys have
little stuffed rhinos with
heart-shaped eyes and "I love
you" embroidered on their big
purple sides sitting on top
of your Apple PowerBooks and
Power Macs? Cripes, what a
thought. I'd rather believe
you are expressing admiration
for a smelly, brutish,
prehistoric vegetarian beast
with a very thick hide, a
short temper, and a big
fucking horn it uses to tear
out the guts of its
adversaries. Now that's more
like the Sucksters of record
(except for the bit about
being smelly and brutish,
that's just the rhinoceros).

Hugs and kisses,


It's rhinoceri, bonehead. Get
it straight.

Fish With Letter Icon


Hipster Elitist:

Likes: Indie cred and jazz,
festivals, fresh basil with
melted cheese on garlic

Dislikes: Elitists, hipsters,
dishonesty, Wink, martians,
and hypocrisy

Fatal flaw: Immutable sense of

Highest compliment: "You're
such a freak."

Tone: Confused, neurotic,
slightly insecure

Real talent: Masking confusion
with overt declarations of
how connected everything is

Justification for consumer
choices: "I don't know why I
like it. Whatever."

Guidance for consumer choices:
His/her dog would want to
chew it

Goal in life: To make money by
remaining true to oneself
while pursuing some

Secret desire: To betray dog
and live at film festivals

Thanks for the funnies,

Bridget Bryson

Fish With Letter Icon

OK, I've got one!

The Bitter New-Media
disContent Provider

Likes: Interiors, prosciutto,
easy targets, crack

Dislikes: Bad coffee,
Details, being surrounded by
phonies, being associated
with the words "New Media"

Fatal flaw: Belief that
happiness requires stupidity
and money

Highest compliment: Not
criticizing something

Tone: Bitter

Real talent: Taking a shit
every day and passing it off
as enlightenment

Justification for consumer
choices: "I like what I like:

Guidance for consumer choices:
Crack addiction

Goal in life: Write the novel
that shows what putzes
Messrs. Coupland and Bronson
really are ... when she gets
around to it

Secret desire: To fuck with

Craig Demel
<krusty @slumbering.>

That's "To fuck Mulder" not
"To fuck with Scully."

Maybe I'll let the readers
write Filler from now on. The
one stipulation will be that
you can only write about ME.
The Fish can have an
occasional guest appearance,
but that's it - oh, and of
course you'll have to include
our favorite whipping boy
[Whipping woman. And I prefer
to think of myself as feared
and loathed, not merely
resented. - ed.], Ana. But
other than that, it'll just
be about me. Kind of like
Cathy, except less funny.

Regular and richly rewarded
for it,


P.S. In the cartoon, I'd like
to have a little dog named
Sponge who's clearly a lot
smarter than me and who makes
wiseass quips, bites the hand
that feeds, etc.

Fish With Letter Icon

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