The Fish
for 13 June 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

A Midrash's Nightmares

Just a note to say that the
piece was very good today.
However ...

I was a bit surprised to read:

"Thus, one may plausibly
argue that Messrs. Beavis and
Butt-head brought midrash to
the masses back in 1993...."

That would only be argued by
those who forget the
existence of the TV series
Mystery Science Theater
which debuted five
years earlier with a premise
that was later scandalously
appropriated by Mssrs. Beavis
and Butt-head. Any credit (or
blame) for the growing surge
in the recent popularity of
real-time commentary on
trashy pop culture should be
given where it is properly

But I believe it is a mistake
to call the premise of either
series "novel." Actually, the
person I would credit with
bringing midrash to the
masses would be ol' Willy
Shakespeare - I refer you to
act 5 of A Midsummer Night's
in which the
characters gloss a play
within the play. Not the
first or last time for Willy
or for many scribblers before
him, back to the days of
Greek theatrics.

In other words, there's
nothing new under the sun.

Chris Cornell

Uncle. You totally and utterly
win. Especially that part
about Shakespeare - whoa! My
only possible excuse is that
I myself didn't have cable
until 1993.

Actually, MST3K differs (as
does Shakespeare, for that
matter) in that at least Joel
et al. sniff at real movies.
Somehow B&B's carping
about the quality of pop
music commercials strikes me
as an almost transcendent
upping of the ante.

To be fair, though, there is
some real midrash in The
Fifth Element.
When Diva
Plava Laguna sings that aria
from Lucia di Lammermoor
(before it turns into a
disco/kung fu montage), the
translation runs (in part):

"I've escaped from your
enemies. There's a chill in
my bosom.... The fearsome
ghost would part us!... It is
time for the holy rites....
Holy torches glow about us!
The minister is here!..."

Interesting, no?



Fish With Letter Icon

Isn't "hackneyed
cliché" a hackneyed

Just wondering.

Fraser Cole
Chicago, IL

You've got me there. You've
got me dead to rights. Yup.
You're right as rain. Right
on the money. You've really
hit the nail on head.

Thanks for writing,


Fish With Letter Icon

Great article.

But how come you didn't take a
shot somewhere along the
lines of "marketing this fake
interconnectedness crap is a
clear sign that enough folks
are sucking the dummy pipe
that the marketroids have
picked up on it as a

Just wondering,


I'm not sure "the marketroids"
didn't start this trend all
by themselves. (Very
Pynchonesque formulation,
"marketroids.") Maybe all
those Madison Avenue types
read Gravity's Rainbow and
sucked the dummy pipe too
much themselves in college.
Regardless, you know the
strategy is complete when you
see Mason & Dixon being
flogged as "the perfect
summer read," thus completing
a chain: Highfalutin'
metacommentary sells -->
random pop-culture references
sell --> highfalutin'
metacommentary sold as random
pop-culture references sells.



Fish With Letter Icon

Where Do You Want to Eat

What you may not have known
when you ran "Where Do You
Want to Eat Today?" is that
McDonald's did hit that
way-new consumer model before
launching the most recent

Every manager under the Golden
Arches issued detailed
survey-as-tray-liners last
year. If you gave up your
opinion and some
demographics, you got free
food. Brilliant.

They crunched the numbers and
found out exactly what people
wanted most. In the Beltway,
it was a quick drive-through,
over in Hawaii, it was good
fries, down South, it was a
clean place to eat - all this
data was rolled into the
first wave of "My McDonald's"
saturation bombing. That's my
grand conspiracy theory

The folks at your parent
mega.corp knew that the folks
at the McDonald's mega.corp
would be the winners of the
food-service war. Just go
back and read that special
issue of Wired called
Scenarios. In one of the
longer, more interesting,
future-farces, they suggested
that a global cure for a
yet-to-be-invented disease be
stuck in the mix with "My Big
Mac." This gave everyone the
health care they needed along
with the two all-beef
patties, special sauce,
lettuce, cheese, and onion on
a sesame-seed bun.

Damn fine idea.


Speaking of damn fine ideas,
screw Wired! From now on,
we're getting all our
information on The Future
from the Golden Arches.

The clown has seen the future,
and it's got little onion

Fish With Letter Icon

Heidi Roizen

Don't know if you caught the
Heidi Roizen interview in the
latest issue of Business
but I think the passage
below merits your scrutiny.
Roizen basically bemoans her
previous life as a workaholic
and, seemingly, is very
pleased with her decision to
spend more time with her
children. I had to chuckle
when I read how much she
enjoys watching the nanny
give her kids a bath. What an
elitist idiot. If you ever do
a Heidi Roizen Net.Moguls
card (I should probably check
the archives before making
this request), the following
quotation would be a gem for
the back of her card.

Quotation from interview: "But
the best thing about this new
role is, it allows me to be
at home for the serendipitous
part of my home life. The
other day, my kids were
playing out in the yard, and
they got really dirty. I
asked my nanny to take them
for a bath. In the old days,
I would have snuck off to
look at some email, but I
decided to go and watch them
splash around in the tub
instead. That's the kind of
thing I wanted to be able to

Word to ya mutha,

Al Thomas

Ooo, nice. We live for such
good quotage. Thank you.

Off to watch the gardener
watch the butler watch the
nanny bathe the dog....

Fish With Letter Icon

Suck World Tour?

Hello all -

I can't believe you haven't
cashed in on the opportunity
to branch out and take Suck
on the road. Just imagine,
"Suck:Seattle" or
"Suck:Virginia Beach"!
Unleash your poison wit at
the local level! Bash local
news anchors, lame art
scenes, cocktail nation bars,
and homogenizing
bookstores.... Then move on
to the next strip mall for
more! Bust out of those SOMA
offices and become a
traveling circus!

Think of all the globetripping
you could do - at HotWired's

Matthew Manley

We don't like spending long
periods of time together, we
don't perform well live, and
most of us aren't allowed out
of the state, let alone the
country. On the other hand,
maybe we could hire some
"Suck girls" to pass out
T-shirts and plastic beer
mugs on Daytona beach next

Fish With Letter Icon

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