The Fish
for 30 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Filler: Urban Hipster Mantras

Step 1: Pick something you
like! -OR- Pick something you
don't like!

OK. Picked.

Step 2: Pick some glib, empty,
or ironic rationalization for
why you like or don't like

Glibly, he wrote: Suck doesn't

"Suck has so much more, shall
we say, 'depth' than Reader's
" he said emptily.

"I like Suck because Suck is
such a witty jab at the
stuck-up bourgeois
nose-in-the-air zeitgeist of
the wayer new media I
actually hate, thereby
producing a truly ironic
paradigm within my
contemporaneous Gen-X
anti-slacker slackdom (which
of course doesn't actually
exist, c.f. "We're all
Individuals!" Python, Monty,
Life of Brian), not to
mention keeping my admittedly
unrealistic devourings of
Wired in a sort of
disillusioned haze since all
the parties involved
apparently sleep together
while doing crack and
collecting Microsoft ad
revenue checks, which in and
of itself isn't bad
whatsoever - God, I really
wouldn't mind that myself -
except for the inherent
sell-out badness of it all,
countered by their admission
of sell-out ... nay,
celebration thereof and so
forth. I need a vodka tonic
IV, stat."

Robert Daeley

Now this is what we like:
Feedback from readers
dangling at the brink of

But, um, are you sure that
people at Wired have parties
where everybody sleeps
together and does crack? Holy
shit, we'd really better get
on that internal mailing

Fish With Letter Icon

Anne of Spleen Fables

Subject: boring

Over it.

Don't you ever get tired of
writing the same damn thing
every day?

Anne O'Neil

Ah. The "Done That" Groan with
a twist of the "Poor You" Jab
for added shame. You're good!
But actually, I don't get
tired of writing the same
damn thing every day. I'm
kind of dim-witted and easily
entertained. But don't feel
sorry for me; they take good
care of me here at Suck.
Clean nappies every few
hours, three squares a day,
and just enough peanut butter
on my sammies (that's my
special little name for
sandwiches!) - all for the
same old rehashed jokes, day
in and day out. It's a pretty
nice deal, you betcha!

But hey! I'm not so slow that
I'm not jealous of you -
Ziff-Davis! That place must
be nonstop excitement! Thanks
a whole bunch for taking some
time out of your
thrill-a-minute job to write
me, I'm real, real,
flattered, oh boy!


Fish With Letter Icon

Out to Pasture

The Hanging Judge got it right
about the lack of news in the
news, and touched on why I'm
giving up on local no-news.

This morning, local NBC teased
at 5:30, 6:05, 6:35, 6:55,
7:25, 7:55, 8:25, and 8:55
that we should, "Stay tuned
for an important report
concerning the possible bad
effects of a vaccine we were
given in the '50s and '60s."
If it is an important and
legitimate story, tell it.

There is so much time devoted
to teasing upcoming stories
that editors have to thin out
the already runny gruel of
local news. I find myself
shouting, "Just tell me the
news, and stop telling me
what you are going to tell me
later. I won't be there!"

I don't read tabloids, and I
won't watch local news which
is infected with the worst
aspects of the tabloids. In
prime time, they tease with
Astounding Headlines: "Could
there be a cure for a deadly
disease? Stay tuned for news
at 11!" or "Is there
something terribly wrong with
a local restaurant? You won't
believe what we've got to
show you tonight!"

Of course, at 11, the headline
has little to do with real
news and often nothing to do
with the implications of the
tease. The tease that
attracts the gullible leads
only to disappointment as we
are baited and switched.

This seems to be a new
advertising theory based on
frustrating the audience. I
don't know the geniuses who
came up with this idea but
they are wrong. What learning
theory tells us about this
approach is: The experience
is frustration. The
subliminal message is: "We
will disappoint you. We will
make you angry. We will make
you resent us. You cannot
believe us"

OK. I got the message. Goodbye
and I won't be returning
after these important

Jonathan Dobrer


Are you having difficulty
sleeping, or did you lose the
remote control? I can't think
of any other reason why one
would watch the morning local
news for over three hours at
a stretch.

As for the message of
frustration: I'm not so sure
that it's subliminal any
more. In fact, "We will
disappoint you. We will make
you angry. We will make you
resent us. You cannot believe
us." sounds like a great
slogan. Either that, or it's

Bear with me, Jonathan. I have
a very important thought for
you later.

Hanging Judge

Fish With Letter Icon

The fine art world may have
been the first cultural
island to exhibit this
phenomena, since the actual
artist is irrelevant to the
marketing of his/her
artifacts. The case of Mark
Rothko's suicide is
instructive, and is amply
documented in at least two
full-length biographies.

Ryan Young

Cashing in on a dead artist's
work certainly eliminates one
nettlesome party from sharing
in the profits, doesn't it?
And in Rothko's case, his sad
life and suicide only made
his work more attractive to
the buyers and more
marketable for the sellers.
Unfortunately, Rothko is not
an isolated incident. The
ongoing debate over de
Kooning's art and earnings
has even proven that an
artist doesn't even have to
be dead in order to be used
and abused, just declared
mentally incompetent.

Hanging Judge

Fish With Letter Icon

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