The Fish
for 29 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Out to Pasture

The Hanging Judge got it right
about the lack of news in the
news, and touched on why I'm
giving up on local no-news.

This morning, local NBC teased
at 5:30, 6:05, 6:35, 6:55,
7:25, 7:55, 8:25, and 8:55
that we should, "Stay tuned
for an important report
concerning the possible bad
effects of a vaccine we were
given in the '50s and '60s."
If it is an important and
legitimate story, tell it.

There is so much time devoted
to teasing upcoming stories
that editors have to thin out
the already runny gruel of
local news. I find myself
shouting, "Just tell me the
news, and stop telling me
what you are going to tell me
later. I won't be there!"

I don't read tabloids, and I
won't watch local news which
is infected with the worst
aspects of the tabloids. In
prime time, they tease with
Astounding Headlines: "Could
there be a cure for a deadly
disease? Stay tuned for news
at 11!" or "Is there
something terribly wrong with
a local restaurant? You won't
believe what we've got to
show you tonight!"

Of course, at 11, the headline
has little to do with real
news and often nothing to do
with the implications of the
tease. The tease that
attracts the gullible leads
only to disappointment as we
are baited and switched.

This seems to be a new
advertising theory based on
frustrating the audience. I
don't know the geniuses who
came up with this idea but
they are wrong. What learning
theory tells us about this
approach is: The experience
is frustration. The
subliminal message is: "We
will disappoint you. We will
make you angry. We will make
you resent us. You cannot
believe us"

OK. I got the message. Goodbye
and I won't be returning
after these important

Jonathan Dobrer


Are you having difficulty
sleeping, or did you lose the
remote control? I can't think
of any other reason why one
would watch the morning local
news for over three hours at
a stretch.

As for the message of
frustration: I'm not so sure
that it's subliminal any
more. In fact, "We will
disappoint you. We will make
you angry. We will make you
resent us. You cannot believe
us." sounds like a great
slogan. Either that, or it's

Bear with me, Jonathan. I have
a very important thought for
you later.

Hanging Judge

Fish With Letter Icon

The fine art world may have
been the first cultural
island to exhibit this
phenomena, since the actual
artist is irrelevant to the
marketing of his/her
artifacts. The case of Mark
Rothko's suicide is
instructive, and is amply
documented in at least two
full-length biographies.

Ryan Young

Cashing in on a dead artist's
work certainly eliminates one
nettlesome party from sharing
in the profits, doesn't it?
And in Rothko's case, his sad
life and suicide only made
his work more attractive to
the buyers and more
marketable for the sellers.
Unfortunately, Rothko is not
an isolated incident. The
ongoing debate over de
Kooning's art and earnings
has even proven that an
artist doesn't even have to
be dead in order to be used
and abused, just declared
mentally incompetent.

Hanging Judge

Fish With Letter Icon

Out to Pasture

Subject: Stop watching TV

Dear Sucksters,

One of the reasons that I
frequent your wonderfully
over-sarcastic site is to
avoid the usual, never
dissenting, opinions to be
found all over as "the media"
encroaches to dominate the
Internet. But it seems that
you people are running out of
witty, mocking, societal
banter when I see a story
devoted to Jerry "Tell me
what to say" Springer. Do you
not know that you do your
fans a disservice even to
mention the ratings "battle"?
Ratings are the industry's
legitimizing force to
eliminate original,
independent voices from view.
Everyone with half a neuron
knows the shock-fest that
goes on at sweeps assures
that nothing of value gets
through. Most of your
audience, I am sure, have no
love for the world of
corporate propaganda and have
turned to the Internet (in
desperation) for fresh,
unindoctrinated, opinions on
our sick society. Everyone
knows television is a lost
cause. It is old news, guys.
Really old. Turn off your
fucking TVs and work a little

Gregory Connors

P.S. That Robbins article put
me on the floor, though.

Do you not know that you do us
a disservice to even mention
this thing you call the "the
Internet"? It is old news,
Gregory. Really old. Last
time we checked out the
Internet, there were channels
on MSN, real-time audio at, and live-action
porn in The Wall Street
Seems to us that the
Internet is starting to look
a lot like television ... but
not as good.

Fish With Letter Icon

Le Freak, c'est Sheik

I must applaud the marketing
chutzpah and good old
fashioned wool-over-the-eyes
sales skills of the Suck
sales staff. I am referring,
of course, to the sale of ad
space on Suck to Durex Sheik.
Can you think of a product
being marketed to a worse
demographic? Ah yes, if only
I had a good romp in the hay
for each time a woman told me
"I'm sorry, but you're just
not cynical and geeky enough
for me. I mean, you can't
even grep, for god's sakes!"

While I appreciate Durex
Sheik's support of Suck,
allowing Suck to be provided
free of charge to the rest of
us, I hope their marketing
department isn't too
disappointed when their sales
don't, um ... shoot through
the roof (so to speak) after
finally reaching the lonely,
frustrated, cynical hacker
geek market. Not to piss in
the cheerios of the safe-sex
camp, but when your sex life
involves a mouse, a hand, and
persian kitty, well, the
rubber is like roller skates
on a fish.

Raincoat-in-a-shower arguments
aside, I think most Suck
readers (and dare I say even
the hallowed Sucksters
themselves) would be shocked
and surprised to even find
themselves standing in the

David Maxwell

Look, David. Your email
address is subliminally
getting to you. Change it
immediately, or risk a life
of impotency and longing. And
stop making assumptions about
the hallowed Sucksters' sex
lives. The Fish has been
known to rollerskate, if only

Fish With Letter Icon

The Shit

I enjoy your site a great
deal, and was happy, as a
DJ/electronic music freak, to
see that you're checking Kool
Keith, acid breakbeat (Fatboy
Slim, whose whole album is
amazing ... it even has a
tune called "Michael
Jackson," and check Bentley's
Rhythm Ace if you like the
Fatboy, he's on Skint too),
and drumnbass (if you like DJ
Die, Roni Size and he have a
split 12" out on V
recordings). It's nice to see
someone in your office has
clicked to what's really
going on in music these days,
especially after the sheer
idiocy of your piece on Moby
(trip hop my ass!).

Do you have any plans to turn
your uniquely skewed vision
on the whole hyping of
"electronica" as "the next
big thing?" I would love to
see you skewer that! And if
you don't have any plans for
a column ... well, I know a
lot about the evolution of
electronic music and DJ
culture (if that's not an
oxymoron), and I'd work for
real, real cheap (i.e.,

Use your irony, Suck! Use it
as a force for good (or at
least a force for cheap
laughs at some chump's
expense - perhaps mine?)!

Keep on Sucking in the free

Bill Hileman aka DJ Payce tha
funkadelic devil mk II

Uh. Thanks for the compliments
(?). We're not sure who here
has "clicked to what's really
going on," but if we find the
punk, we'll be sure to thrash
him/her about and change the
channel. Check this: Free is
a little too cheap. Besides,
if you wrote for us for free,
that would make you look like
a chump. But that doesn't
mean we're gonna pay you,
either. Chump.

Fish With Letter Icon

Real Spots

Athletes are shit ... children
who never grew up and
couldn't hold a real job in
the real world. You're very
wrong: We don't idolize them,
many of us boycott everything
they stand for. Only the
moronic public idolizes them,
like the dumb redneck
crackers in Nascar who can't
even drive. Pathos unbridled.

John Shelley
'The Gardening Specialists'

Aha. And what do real men who
can hold a real job in the
real world do? Garden?

Fish With Letter Icon

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