The Fish
for 28 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Out to Pasture

Subject: Stop watching TV

Dear Sucksters,

One of the reasons that I
frequent your wonderfully
over-sarcastic site is to
avoid the usual, never
dissenting, opinions to be
found all over as "the media"
encroaches to dominate the
Internet. But it seems that
you people are running out of
witty, mocking, societal
banter when I see a story
devoted to Jerry "Tell me
what to say" Springer. Do you
not know that you do your
fans a disservice even to
mention the ratings "battle"?
Ratings are the industry's
legitimizing force to
eliminate original,
independent voices from view.
Everyone with half a neuron
knows the shock-fest that
goes on at sweeps assures
that nothing of value gets
through. Most of your
audience, I am sure, have no
love for the world of
corporate propaganda and have
turned to the Internet (in
desperation) for fresh,
unindoctrinated, opinions on
our sick society. Everyone
knows television is a lost
cause. It is old news, guys.
Really old. Turn off your
fucking TVs and work a little

Gregory Connors

P.S. That Robbins article put
me on the floor, though.

Do you not know that you do us
a disservice to even mention
this thing you call the "the
Internet"? It is old news,
Gregory. Really old. Last
time we checked out the
Internet, there were channels
on MSN, real-time audio at, and live-action
porn in The Wall Street
Seems to us that the
Internet is starting to look
a lot like television ... but
not as good.

Fish With Letter Icon

Le Freak, c'est Sheik

I must applaud the marketing
chutzpah and good old
fashioned wool-over-the-eyes
sales skills of the Suck
sales staff. I am referring,
of course, to the sale of ad
space on Suck to Durex Sheik.
Can you think of a product
being marketed to a worse
demographic? Ah yes, if only
I had a good romp in the hay
for each time a woman told me
"I'm sorry, but you're just
not cynical and geeky enough
for me. I mean, you can't
even grep, for god's sakes!"

While I appreciate Durex
Sheik's support of Suck,
allowing Suck to be provided
free of charge to the rest of
us, I hope their marketing
department isn't too
disappointed when their sales
don't, um ... shoot through
the roof (so to speak) after
finally reaching the lonely,
frustrated, cynical hacker
geek market. Not to piss in
the cheerios of the safe-sex
camp, but when your sex life
involves a mouse, a hand, and
persian kitty, well, the
rubber is like roller skates
on a fish.

Raincoat-in-a-shower arguments
aside, I think most Suck
readers (and dare I say even
the hallowed Sucksters
themselves) would be shocked
and surprised to even find
themselves standing in the

David Maxwell

Look, David. Your email
address is subliminally
getting to you. Change it
immediately, or risk a life
of impotency and longing. And
stop making assumptions about
the hallowed Sucksters' sex
lives. The Fish has been
known to rollerskate, if only

Fish With Letter Icon

The Shit

I enjoy your site a great
deal, and was happy, as a
DJ/electronic music freak, to
see that you're checking Kool
Keith, acid breakbeat (Fatboy
Slim, whose whole album is
amazing ... it even has a
tune called "Michael
Jackson," and check Bentley's
Rhythm Ace if you like the
Fatboy, he's on Skint too),
and drumnbass (if you like DJ
Die, Roni Size and he have a
split 12" out on V
recordings). It's nice to see
someone in your office has
clicked to what's really
going on in music these days,
especially after the sheer
idiocy of your piece on Moby
(trip hop my ass!).

Do you have any plans to turn
your uniquely skewed vision
on the whole hyping of
"electronica" as "the next
big thing?" I would love to
see you skewer that! And if
you don't have any plans for
a column ... well, I know a
lot about the evolution of
electronic music and DJ
culture (if that's not an
oxymoron), and I'd work for
real, real cheap (i.e.,

Use your irony, Suck! Use it
as a force for good (or at
least a force for cheap
laughs at some chump's
expense - perhaps mine?)!

Keep on Sucking in the free

Bill Hileman aka DJ Payce tha
funkadelic devil mk II

Uh. Thanks for the compliments
(?). We're not sure who here
has "clicked to what's really
going on," but if we find the
punk, we'll be sure to thrash
him/her about and change the
channel. Check this: Free is
a little too cheap. Besides,
if you wrote for us for free,
that would make you look like
a chump. But that doesn't
mean we're gonna pay you,
either. Chump.

Fish With Letter Icon

Real Spots

Athletes are shit ... children
who never grew up and
couldn't hold a real job in
the real world. You're very
wrong: We don't idolize them,
many of us boycott everything
they stand for. Only the
moronic public idolizes them,
like the dumb redneck
crackers in Nascar who can't
even drive. Pathos unbridled.

John Shelley
'The Gardening Specialists'

Aha. And what do real men who
can hold a real job in the
real world do? Garden?

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit and Run

Dear Sucksters,

I have recently discovered
your site and enjoy reading
the articles. I particularly
like your two-dimensional
writing style (three
dimensional, if you count the
"width" of the columns) that
leads the reader to deeper
understanding though links.
However, in a recent article,
you used the word
"omphaloskepsis" without
bothering to elaboarate or
provide it with a link. I was
forced to use the Hypertext
Webster Interface

to learn:

omphaloskepsis n:
contemplation of one's navel

In the future, please do not
assume a minimum education
level for your readership.

Roger L Halsey

We don't assume a minimum
education level for our
readership, we fully expect
them to not understand a word we
say. Thanks for ruining
things, Roger. Now they'll
understand at least one word,
but maybe we can cut them off
at two. Not that it'll be
hard. Sometimes we don't even
understand what we're talking
about ourselves.

Just kidding. We did it to
piss you off.

Fish With Letter Icon

It's not enough to have my
mail to ""
bounced back to me twice
after complaining about the
reappearance of "omphalos" in
yesterday's column. You've
got to use "omphaloskepsis"
in today's column. This has
got to stop.

Are you reaching for a
"nubbins" of your very own? I
read Spy's mail-room column
in the late '80's. I know
nubbins. Omphalos is no
nubbins - it's way too
high-falootin' of a word to
be taken into the readers'
hearts. Please, please
reconsider your choice of

Nubbins forever,

Kara Catherwood

We're not trying to be taken
into our readers' hearts,
we're trying to piss you off,

Fish With Letter Icon

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