The Fish
for 23 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Smart Little Islands

Congrats, fellas,

You've restored my faith in
the Net by showing the rest
of the world that little
islands of intelligent sites
can and do exist in the
electronic sea of ghost
sites, bunk, and other
worthless crap. You've got
yourself a new reader (and
contributer for commentary
about movies if need be).

Todd Miller

Now how are we supposed to
take your flattery to heart
when you follow it up with an
offer to write? And how are
we supposed to take your
offer to write to heart when
you start out by flattering
us? That's not even to tackle
your use of "congrats" and

Fish With Letter Icon

Stinky Fish

I just got back from a
vacation, caught up on my
Suck via the archives - but
the old Fish links all point
at today's fresh Fish instead
of that day's fare. Now that
all the best writing is
appearing on the Fish page,
shouldn't you be archiving it
as well?

William Welch


Fish With Letter Icon

The Art of Self-Contradiction

Subject: Advances in Late

Dear Sucksters,

When I tuned in this morning
for my daily dose of Suck I
found, sitting side by side
at the bottom of my screen,
an ad for condoms and one for
TechShopper ("We waste money
so you don't have to"). The
use of one would surely
preclude the use of the
other. For years you have
been turning
self-contradiction into an
art form: admirable,
certainly, but nothing new.
Now, though, you have turned
it into advertising sales.
This, I think, represents a
real advance in Western
civilization. Keep up the
good work.


Jotham Parsons

We appreciate your
encouragement, JP. (Can we
call you JP?) But we really
haven't been doing this for
"years".... Seems like
decades though, haw haw haw.
At least in terms of our
tendency to throw out tired
jokes like old timers on
their sixth snifter. But
actually, our second birthday
comes up at the end of
August. Maybe by the end of
the year we'll even be

Anyway, thanks for recognizing
what a difference we're
making in the world.

Fish With Letter Icon

Bastard out of Carolina

Dear Hypocritical Bastards,

As a man who hopes he never
has to use his Certificate in
Journalism from Indiana
University to earn a
slime-ridden paycheck in this
lifetime, I could not have
agreed more with your 13 May
piece, "Faking the News."

This hard-news facade, in
which every word is a
double-entendre and every
story that isn't a scandal
damn well ought to be, is
fostered very early and
nurtured well among the
editorial cynics of student
publications everywhere. You
probably know the type. They
spout pseudo-poison in their
op-ed pieces and bury any
positive news stories as
deeply in the bottom-left
corner of the paper as
possible, all the while
secretly harboring the urge
to sleep with government
officials, student or
otherwise. They have no
qualms about grinding words
and quotes (or in some cases,
the lack thereof) into false
slurs and controversies
engineered to build a
portfolio that they would
call masterful and regular
people would call a tower of

They all want to be Woodward
and Bernstein, but instead,
they end up looking like J.
Jonah Jameson. They all
deserve to be smacked around
like John Stossel backstage
at a pro wrestling match, and
I damn near stood up and
applauded after you took your
shots at them.

Then I came across a Hit &
Run item about someone
leaving Microsoft.

"The writing between the lines
is as easy to read as a Sony
press release ..."??? "The
writing on the wall ..."???
"The company's ability to
turn on a dime (or for a
dime) has never been clearer

Excuse me, but isn't this the
same sort of drivel you
admonished just days ago? Is
your inability to practice
what you preach this severe?
Are you still secretly
harboring jealousies toward
those holier-than-thou pratts
who forced you off those
student papers, even though
you stand clearly above them
now, running a successful
business while they make piss
money working for AP?

I'm disappointed. I expected
more from you all. Keep this
up, and I'll have to cancel
my subsc ... er, delete my

David J. Warner
Durham, NC

David, I think your letter
deserves a very up-close and
personal response, if only
because you live in my
hometown. First of all, we
never claimed to be
journalists, despite what
certain young American
twentysomethings might think.
Furthermore, it has long been
our aim to admonish drivel
with the one hand while
creating it with the other.
Would we have named this rag
Suck otherwise? I think not.

But enough of that - time to
get personal. My father was a
professor at Duke for over 20
years, and he spent the last
years of his life advising
kids not to fixate on
material wealth - a message
(albeit clichéd and
particularly strange coming
from an Econ professor) that
the vast majority of Duke
students needed drilled into
their neatly coiffed heads.
Occasionally, when confronted
with this highly moral tone,
a kid would walk to the
window and point out to the
parking lot and say, "Isn't
that your white Nissan 300-ZX
Turbo with tan leather seats,
power steering, A/C, and a
6-CD changer in the trunk?"
To which my father would
respond, simply, "A sign-post
doesn't have to go where it's

Of course I think Daddy had a
good point. But more
importantly, with a father
like that for a role model,
can you really blame me for
being a hypocritical bastard?


Fish With Letter Icon

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