The Fish
for 22 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Bastard out of Carolina

Dear Hypocritical Bastards,

As a man who hopes he never
has to use his Certificate in
Journalism from Indiana
University to earn a
slime-ridden paycheck in this
lifetime, I could not have
agreed more with your 13 May
piece, "Faking the News."

This hard-news facade, in
which every word is a
double-entendre and every
story that isn't a scandal
damn well ought to be, is
fostered very early and
nurtured well among the
editorial cynics of student
publications everywhere. You
probably know the type. They
spout pseudo-poison in their
op-ed pieces and bury any
positive news stories as
deeply in the bottom-left
corner of the paper as
possible, all the while
secretly harboring the urge
to sleep with government
officials, student or
otherwise. They have no
qualms about grinding words
and quotes (or in some cases,
the lack thereof) into false
slurs and controversies
engineered to build a
portfolio that they would
call masterful and regular
people would call a tower of

They all want to be Woodward
and Bernstein, but instead,
they end up looking like J.
Jonah Jameson. They all
deserve to be smacked around
like John Stossel backstage
at a pro wrestling match, and
I damn near stood up and
applauded after you took your
shots at them.

Then I came across a Hit &
Run item about someone
leaving Microsoft.

"The writing between the lines
is as easy to read as a Sony
press release ..."??? "The
writing on the wall ..."???
"The company's ability to
turn on a dime (or for a
dime) has never been clearer

Excuse me, but isn't this the
same sort of drivel you
admonished just days ago? Is
your inability to practice
what you preach this severe?
Are you still secretly
harboring jealousies toward
those holier-than-thou pratts
who forced you off those
student papers, even though
you stand clearly above them
now, running a successful
business while they make piss
money working for AP?

I'm disappointed. I expected
more from you all. Keep this
up, and I'll have to cancel
my subsc ... er, delete my

David J. Warner
Durham, NC

David, I think your letter
deserves a very up-close and
personal response, if only
because you live in my
hometown. First of all, we
never claimed to be
journalists, despite what
certain young American
twentysomethings might think.
Furthermore, it has long been
our aim to admonish drivel
with the one hand while
creating it with the other.
Would we have named this rag
Suck otherwise? I think not.

But enough of that - time to
get personal. My father was a
professor at Duke for over 20
years, and he spent the last
years of his life advising
kids not to fixate on
material wealth - a message
(albeit clichéd and
particularly strange coming
from an Econ professor) that
the vast majority of Duke
students needed drilled into
their neatly coiffed heads.
Occasionally, when confronted
with this highly moral tone,
a kid would walk to the
window and point out to the
parking lot and say, "Isn't
that your white Nissan 300-ZX
Turbo with tan leather seats,
power steering, A/C, and a
6-CD changer in the trunk?"
To which my father would
respond, simply, "A sign-post
doesn't have to go where it's

Of course I think Daddy had a
good point. But more
importantly, with a father
like that for a role model,
can you really blame me for
being a hypocritical bastard?


Fish With Letter Icon

Captain Caveman Magazine

Dear Journalist,

Below you will find an email
press release detailing a new
nonprofit literary quarterly,
spelunker flophouse, the
first print magazine founded
by editors who met on the
Internet (which is also
available in an abridged
format on the Web at....

An article in the Publishers
Marketing Association
Newsletter suggested that I
contact you, in the hope that
you would be interested in
doing an article about
spelunker flophouse's unique
story and history....

As opposed to a general
content critique/summary one
would find in a daily
newspaper's book review
pages, a good hook for a
story about spelunker
magazine would be,
"What drove two young
American twentysomethings who
had never met in person (and
lived in far away regions of
the country) to found a
literary magazine, how did
they do it, and how were they
successful?" Also, "What role
did modern technology (the
Internet) play in the
founding of this unique new
literary first, and what do
the Internet and modern
English literature have in

Ours is the story of two young
people who met in an uncanny
manner (via an America Online
Writers' Club chat room),
followed a dream (for one
editor, uprooting her life to
move cross-country from
Washington, DC, to Chicago,
Illinois, USA), and founded a
successful literary
quarterly, publishing many of
today's most highly regarded
American writers (W. P.
Kinsella, Stephen Dixon,
Julie Checkoway, Mark
Amerika, David Ignatow, Cris
Mazza, Stuart Dybek, Denise
Duhamel), as well as many new
and emerging writers. Ours is
the story of something good
and productive that has come
out of a serendipitous
Internet rendezvous (as
opposed to the plethora of
"Internet Stalker" articles
one is apt to read).

We feel spelunker flophouse,
despite its crazy title, is
an excellent first example of
modern technology coupled
successfully with small-press
literary publishing, and
would make for a good story.

Thank you very much for your
time. If you have any
questions, would like your
free review copy, have any
questions, or require further
information, do not hesitate
to contact us at....


Chris Kubica and Wendy Morgan
The Editors

Let us first thank you for
addressing us as
"Journalists." We've never
been honored with such a
dignified title before, and
rest assured we are simply
aglow with pride and

Secondly, thank you for that
timely hook suggestion! It
certainly is an honor to be
contacted by The Very First
magazine founded by two
people who met in an AOL
chatroom - and it's not even
porn! We share your
enthusiasm about the
potential of pretty much
anything created by two
people who met online -
particularly young American

The only problem is, you
didn't answer your own
question, and we're losing
sleep at night wondering:
What did drive "two young
American twentysomethings who
had never met in person (and
lived in far away regions of
the country) to found a
literary magazine, how did
they do it, and how were they
successful?" Are you
successful - like, rich? Do
you both live in the same
far away region, or are you
each in separate far away
regions that are, in turn,
far away from each other? Do
you guys get HBO up there?
Are there any good Thai
restaurants? Most
importantly, what do the
Internet and modern English
literature have in common?

We have so many questions!
We're just dying to know more
about your zany,
twentysomething lives and
that excellent first example
of modern full-court-press
publishing with its crazy

Please write us soon in an
uncanny manner.

Fish With Letter Icon

Tainted Love

Subject: Creeping

I see now you're plugging the
PhotoGIF product, probably no
coincidence since MacUser
magazine recently crowned as the de facto
lords of GIF by running one
of Terry's pix in conjunction
with a boxed blurb on
PhotoGIF. This would seem to
indicate that your Shit List
is tainted by an apparent
conflict of interest. How can
I trust that the items
heretofore appearing on Shit
List aren't just cleverly
disguised advertisements, as
though the annoying (yet
easily covered) ads at the
bottom of the screen aren't
enough? My blind faith in
Suck's cred has been
hopelessly shattered. Can't I
just browse and not be
pitched to?

Pete L.

You're funny. Particularly
that part about "trust," that
was classic. Also, the idea
of Suck having some kind of
"cred" - that had us rolling
in the aisles. Thanks for the
laughs! Ever thought about
writing for us?

Fish With Letter Icon

Love Hurts


Whoever the fuck wrote this
had better get a life and get
one damn quick. I have a
feeling who this is from. I
think that maybe it is from a
certain stupid ass ho bitch
who lives on my floor or
maybe two of them. Now I
could be wrong so I am not
saying any names or anything
just in case I am. But if you
are who I think you are
(Chris, Jen, or one of your
other stupid ass very few
friends): Nobody likes you,
everyone thinks you two are
immature, annoyingly stupid
bitches, who are stuck up and
rude. Quit sucking up because
we all hate you. You suck and
we can't wait until you leave
the floor, so quit saying
shit about me and spreading
crap around, I hate you, I
know what you say about me
and I really don't give a
flying fuck because you are
as dumb as dirt. Yeah I'm gay
I guess that's why I've been
seeing Steve for three months
now and why I went out with
four guys in high school
including Brian for 19 months
total. At least I have
pictures of my boyfriend
unlike someone, so shut up or
I will whoop both of your
asses! Also if this was not
from them and was from
Andrea, well you can piss off
too you little whore! Whoever
wrote this is sooo stupid, I
can have the messages deleted
duh, get a brain and a clue

<Name Withheld>

My my. Do you know what time
it is? It's time to let go of
fear and let a little love
into your heart. Can you put
down that can of whoop ass
for long enough to look deep
into your soul and find some
compassion, some
understanding, even some
love? Maybe there's a little
love in there, set aside for
a certain stupid-ass ho
bitch. Can you find it? We
believe in you, we know you
can do it.

Fish With Letter Icon

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