The Fish
for 13 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Job Hunting

Dear Sucksters:

I fully appreciate your making
the various job-hunters'
requests the source of
innocent merriment, but what
if somebody qualified really
wanted a job with Suck? You
know, somebody who liked your
work, wanted to make a
contribution to it, and found
the idea of being paid
(however poorly) for being a
smartass and general
a desirable thing to do. Do
they get insulted too?

Is it that wanting to work for
Suck implies too low an IQ to
work for Suck? Do you have to
know someone who knows
someone? Or are you just
publishing the sillier
letters? (Yeah, I know a
straight line when I write
one.) Or is that one is
simply born a Suckster?
Seriously, how does one
become part of your crew?

Alan Kornheiser


Ah, a request for the straight
dope. Here you go:

We are a staff of five.
There's no room on our crew
until someone here gets tired
of bitching and moaning for a
living and/or Suck becomes a
huge media giant. Which
places the odds of getting a
job at Suck, regardless of
who you know, right up there
with winning the lottery. So
kids, don't send us a
résumé, buy a
lottery ticket.

Fish With Letter Icon

"Net Moguls"

Carl & Joey,

I've always thought that only
ugly people got rich;
Friday's trading card seems
to prove my theory. Sure, you
guys may not be worth
millions, but at least you're
not stuck with the mug of Gil
Amelio or Rob Glaser.

But what I can't figure out
is, why so dour? Cheer up!
You're handsome men!

John Breinholt

Thank you for providing the
Suck staff (other than Carl
and Joey) hours of loud,
knee-slapping laughter and
perhaps years of fuel for our
favorite game, Chide the
Founders, see also Bite the
Hand That Feeds, Tease the
Tools, Mock Your Managers,

Fish With Letter Icon

Love Letters

Greetings Sucksters (or should
that be "fashionably

This is just to "congratulate"
you on the stunning
accomplishment that is the
daily Suck. A cyclone of
cynicism, a Niagara of
negativity, your column numbs
me to the capitalist
pillaging of world culture
that would otherwise motivate
me to activism, and gives me
a vague sense of superiority
to anything derivative of
baby-boomer culture.

How could I not look forward
to each escalating rant,
turning phrase, a building of
vocabularic bluster that
culminates - intensifying its
sting through a
compounding of obscure
references - in an ultimate
sarcastic jab that tears home
its point, and just shy of
committing to a view,
switches to a poignant,
rhetorical question?

Do drop a compliment is
typical; to applaud - or
wait, is that obfuscate? -
the obvious greatness that is
Suck is just a plain waste of
type. You know I love your
column - don't I?

David Seymour

This is just to "thank" you
for writing. A grabbag of
glibness, a fistful of
feistiness, your letter
chilled us to the bone and
gave us a vague sense of
superiority to you.

We're not shy, but committed
to a room with a view. How
could one want more than
that? No poignancy intended.

What is this Vocabularic
Bluster? A new blockbuster
hit mixing the action and
nonstop thrills of Volcano and
Twister, but with a
Webstersian twist?

We know you, don't we?

Fish With Letter Icon

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