The Fish
for 12 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Love Letters

Greetings Sucksters (or should
that be "fashionably

This is just to "congratulate"
you on the stunning
accomplishment that is the
daily Suck. A cyclone of
cynicism, a Niagara of
negativity, your column numbs
me to the capitalist
pillaging of world culture
that would otherwise motivate
me to activism, and gives me
a vague sense of superiority
to anything derivative of
baby-boomer culture.

How could I not look forward
to each escalating rant,
turning phrase, a building of
vocabularic bluster that
culminates - intensifying its
sting through a
compounding of obscure
references - in an ultimate
sarcastic jab that tears home
its point, and just shy of
committing to a view,
switches to a poignant,
rhetorical question?

Do drop a compliment is
typical; to applaud - or
wait, is that obfuscate? -
the obvious greatness that is
Suck is just a plain waste of
type. You know I love your
column - don't I?

David Seymour

This is just to "thank" you
for writing. A grabbag of
glibness, a fistful of
feistiness, your letter
chilled us to the bone and
gave us a vague sense of
superiority to you.

We're not shy, but committed
to a room with a view. How
could one want more than
that? No poignancy intended.

What is this Vocabularic
Bluster? A new blockbuster
hit mixing the action and
nonstop thrills of Volcano and
Twister, but with a
Webstersian twist?

We know you, don't we?

Fish With Letter Icon

Oh Where Is Integrity?

Integrity Research Systems

With today's standards, it has
become important to obtain
accurate, detailed background
information on employees,
clients, and business
associates. It is an absolute
necessity to reduce risks and
losses. We offer our services
to professionals, businesses,
law firms, corporations, and
to people who just have to
know. We can also reunite you
with a long-lost loved one or
a family member.

For more information reply
with send more infro.

A spying agency named
"Integrity." Nice
counterintuitive branding.

But what are "today's
standards"? And what is
"infro"? Is that like an
information Afro? Can you
reunite us with a long-lost
enemy? We just have to know.

Fish With Letter Icon

Wife is Anti-Suck

I am laughing daily at your
stream of consciousness
rambling that nails it in a
quirky and unique style. I
sent away for my shirt. I'm
not sure my wife is gonna let
me wear a shirt on the street
that says Suck on it. Any
helpful hints?

Mark Challed

Explain to your wife that
perhaps she is confusing her
role with a mothering role.
She should be very glad to
hear this news, as it means a
significant reduction in her
responsibilities. No longer
will she be required to
preside over your clothing
choices, nor will she be
asked to spoon-feed or clean
up after you. You will both
be freed from your regressive
roles, and this freedom
should bring you no small
increase in happiness.

Or, you could just hide your
Suck T-shirt and wear it only
when she's not around. This
might endow your T-shirt with
those special sneaky feelings
of clandestine pleasure
grabbed sporadically as a
reprieve from the boredom of
everyday life. Perhaps, over
time, wearing your T-shirt
will bring you a thrilling
shiver not unlike the body's
response to sexually exciting
stimuli. Never underestimate
the powers of psychosexual
association. The Suck T-shirt
fetish is born.

Now we feel all dirty. Your
wife shouldn't let you wear a
T-shirt that says "Suck" on
it. It's naughty.

Fish With Letter Icon

Love Letters

Duke send me a picture of you?
Good I knew you would. Well,
as soon as I recieve your
picture . I'll send my, I
prom/ise My names . I'm 32
yrs. young. but I feel like
I'm 20 yrs old.. 5'0 blnd
hair ,hazel eyes, spanish
white pette 32cup/20/32

No wonder you feel like you're
20 years old - you've got a
20-inch waist. It's a wonder
you don't feel like you're 13
years old. Eat something,
woman! Fatten up, and just
maybe you'll get your
picture. Dirty girl.

Fish With Letter Icon

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