. I'm 32
yrs. young. but I feel like
I'm 20 yrs old.. 5'0 blnd
hair ,hazel eyes, spanish
white pette 32cup/20/32
No wonder you feel like you're
20 years old - you've got a
20-inch waist. It's a wonder
you don't feel like you're 13
years old. Eat something,
woman! Fatten up, and just
maybe you'll get your
picture. Dirty girl.
Naughty Suck
Subject: YOu suck
Your page sucks literally, I
am not kidding it bites big
hairy balls. I hope you can
stand the critisism. later
<lorenzc@geocities.com>
We're absolutely honored to
hear that our page,
literally, sucks. We're
perhaps even more thrilled by
the news that our page, quite
literally, bites big hairy
balls.
Is reader mail good for
nothing but a cheap laugh
followed by a dirty,
regretful feeling?
Better Links
Dear Suck,
I like Suck. I like how Suck
falls endlessly down the page
like a good long piss. I like
how Suck uses big words. I
like how Suck makes me feel
wise and arrogant and cynical
and joyous every morning. I
like how Suck makes fun of
its letter-writers. I like
the pictures. I like how Suck
is clever without making me
feel stupid.
So I have one small complaint.
Your links used to take me
down steep tangents into the
bizarre netherworlds of the
Web. As I clicked ever onward
into the seas of increasingly
useless information, my
admiration for the
all-knowing sucksters grew ad
infinitum.
But now, more often than not,
you simply quote The
Washington Post, or maybe
CNN, or even the occasional
USA Today. Links that once
enriched with their oddball
perspective or amused with
their sheer uselessness now
merely serve as gray
background info. And worse,
in a silly display of
self-referential conceit, you
link to yourself, sometimes
five times in a single piece.
While I'm familiar with the
subtle interplay of ideas,
surely any Suck reader worth
his or her salt would have
past year's worth of columns
memorized, nicht wahr?
Bring back the days when Suck
took a good two hours to
read!
Arjun Mendiratta
<arjun@cco.caltech.edu>
No offense, gentle readers
joining us from across the
globe, but Suck readers are
not known for the extent to
which they are "worth their
salt." No. They're a fickle
bunch - though, relative to
the Web at large, their as
loyal as (insert your own
preferred loyalist group here,
for example: Marines, Nazis,
traveling choir groups).
It's true, though, the link
tangents are not quite as
tangential as they once were.
Maybe this is true because we
of Suck don't enjoy "surfing
on the Internet" quite as
much as we once did. We don't
want to send our readers too
far from home, because we
know that only in rare cases
will what they find there be
shocking, fulfilling, and/or
informative enough to justify
a visit.
But maybe we're just like old
people talking shit about the
mall because we can't get up
the energy to get in our damn
Buicks and go. Laziness.
That's our answer to any
question as legitimate as
yours - of which there are
few, as readers this week
have bent over backwards to
prove.
Oh, but we haven't made fun of
you yet, the way you like.
Um. Stupidhead.
Fish Page
Is it just me, or are the best
Suck columns coming from The
Fish page? (Oops, broke the
trend.)
Peter Bierman
<bierman@apple.com>
It's just you. Stupidhead.
