The Fish
for 9 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Wife is Anti-Suck

I am laughing daily at your
stream of consciousness
rambling that nails it in a
quirky and unique style. I
sent away for my shirt. I'm
not sure my wife is gonna let
me wear a shirt on the street
that says Suck on it. Any
helpful hints?

Mark Challed

Explain to your wife that
perhaps she is confusing her
role with a mothering role.
She should be very glad to
hear this news, as it means a
significant reduction in her
responsibilities. No longer
will she be required to
preside over your clothing
choices, nor will she be
asked to spoon-feed or clean
up after you. You will both
be freed from your regressive
roles, and this freedom
should bring you no small
increase in happiness.

Or, you could just hide your
Suck T-shirt and wear it only
when she's not around. This
might endow your T-shirt with
those special sneaky feelings
of clandestine pleasure
grabbed sporadically as a
reprieve from the boredom of
everyday life. Perhaps, over
time, wearing your T-shirt
will bring you a thrilling
shiver not unlike the body's
response to sexually exciting
stimuli. Never underestimate
the powers of psychosexual
association. The Suck T-shirt
fetish is born.

Now we feel all dirty. Your
wife shouldn't let you wear a
T-shirt that says "Suck" on
it. It's naughty.

Fish With Letter Icon

Love Letters

Duke send me a picture of you?
Good I knew you would. Well,
as soon as I recieve your
picture . I'll send my, I
prom/ise My names . I'm 32
yrs. young. but I feel like
I'm 20 yrs old.. 5'0 blnd
hair ,hazel eyes, spanish
white pette 32cup/20/32

No wonder you feel like you're
20 years old - you've got a
20-inch waist. It's a wonder
you don't feel like you're 13
years old. Eat something,
woman! Fatten up, and just
maybe you'll get your
picture. Dirty girl.

Fish With Letter Icon

Naughty Suck

Subject: YOu suck

Your page sucks literally, I
am not kidding it bites big
hairy balls. I hope you can
stand the critisism. later


We're absolutely honored to
hear that our page,
literally, sucks. We're
perhaps even more thrilled by
the news that our page, quite
literally, bites big hairy

Is reader mail good for
nothing but a cheap laugh
followed by a dirty,
regretful feeling?

Fish With Letter Icon

Better Links

Dear Suck,

I like Suck. I like how Suck
falls endlessly down the page
like a good long piss. I like
how Suck uses big words. I
like how Suck makes me feel
wise and arrogant and cynical
and joyous every morning. I
like how Suck makes fun of
its letter-writers. I like
the pictures. I like how Suck
is clever without making me
feel stupid.

So I have one small complaint.
Your links used to take me
down steep tangents into the
bizarre netherworlds of the
Web. As I clicked ever onward
into the seas of increasingly
useless information, my
admiration for the
all-knowing sucksters grew ad

But now, more often than not,
you simply quote The
Washington Post,
or maybe
CNN, or even the occasional
USA Today. Links that once
enriched with their oddball
perspective or amused with
their sheer uselessness now
merely serve as gray
background info. And worse,
in a silly display of
self-referential conceit, you
link to yourself, sometimes
five times in a single piece.
While I'm familiar with the
subtle interplay of ideas,
surely any Suck reader worth
his or her salt would have
past year's worth of columns
memorized, nicht wahr?

Bring back the days when Suck
took a good two hours to

Arjun Mendiratta

No offense, gentle readers
joining us from across the
globe, but Suck readers are
not known for the extent to
which they are "worth their
salt." No. They're a fickle
bunch - though, relative to
the Web at large, their as
loyal as (insert your own
preferred loyalist group here,
for example: Marines, Nazis,
traveling choir groups).

It's true, though, the link
tangents are not quite as
tangential as they once were.
Maybe this is true because we
of Suck don't enjoy "surfing
on the Internet" quite as
much as we once did. We don't
want to send our readers too
far from home, because we
know that only in rare cases
will what they find there be
shocking, fulfilling, and/or
informative enough to justify
a visit.

But maybe we're just like old
people talking shit about the
mall because we can't get up
the energy to get in our damn
Buicks and go. Laziness.
That's our answer to any
question as legitimate as
yours - of which there are
few, as readers this week
have bent over backwards to

Oh, but we haven't made fun of
you yet, the way you like.
Um. Stupidhead.

Fish With Letter Icon

Fish Page

Is it just me, or are the best
Suck columns coming from The
Fish page? (Oops, broke the

Peter Bierman

It's just you. Stupidhead.

Fish With Letter Icon

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