The Fish
for 8 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Better Links

Dear Suck,

I like Suck. I like how Suck
falls endlessly down the page
like a good long piss. I like
how Suck uses big words. I
like how Suck makes me feel
wise and arrogant and cynical
and joyous every morning. I
like how Suck makes fun of
its letter-writers. I like
the pictures. I like how Suck
is clever without making me
feel stupid.

So I have one small complaint.
Your links used to take me
down steep tangents into the
bizarre netherworlds of the
Web. As I clicked ever onward
into the seas of increasingly
useless information, my
admiration for the
all-knowing sucksters grew ad

But now, more often than not,
you simply quote The
Washington Post,
or maybe
CNN, or even the occasional
USA Today. Links that once
enriched with their oddball
perspective or amused with
their sheer uselessness now
merely serve as gray
background info. And worse,
in a silly display of
self-referential conceit, you
link to yourself, sometimes
five times in a single piece.
While I'm familiar with the
subtle interplay of ideas,
surely any Suck reader worth
his or her salt would have
past year's worth of columns
memorized, nicht wahr?

Bring back the days when Suck
took a good two hours to

Arjun Mendiratta

No offense, gentle readers
joining us from across the
globe, but Suck readers are
not known for the extent to
which they are "worth their
salt." No. They're a fickle
bunch - though, relative to
the Web at large, they're as
loyal as (insert your own
preferred loyalist group here,
for example: Marines, Nazis,
traveling choir groups).

It's true, though, the link
tangents are not quite as
tangential as they once were.
Maybe this is true because we
of Suck don't enjoy "surfing
on the Internet" quite as
much as we once did. We don't
want to send our readers too
far from home, because we
know that only in rare cases
will what they find there be
shocking, fulfilling, and/or
informative enough to justify
a visit.

But maybe we're just like old
people talking shit about the
mall because we can't get up
the energy to get in our damn
Buicks and go. Laziness.
That's our answer to any
question as legitimate as
yours - of which there are
few, as readers this week
have bent over backwards to

Oh, but we haven't made fun of
you yet, the way you like.
Um. Stupidhead.

Fish With Letter Icon

Fish Page

Is it just me, or are the best
Suck columns coming from The
Fish page? (Oops, broke the

Peter Bierman

It's just you. Stupidhead.

Fish With Letter Icon

T-shirt Tales

Oops, I think I just mailed
you guys $10.00 for a $12.00
shirt. Perhaps you can find a
way to decrease its value.


Sure, there are lots of ways
to decrease its value. We
could stretch it out, or rip
it a little, or maybe spill
some coffee on it. Which
would you prefer?

Fish With Letter Icon

Future Webolution!

Dear webmasters,

Hi, I'm a student at a local
Texas school working on a
project. No, this won't
require a long written essay
on your part or the pulling
of certain strings, etc. Only
your professional opinions.

I'm working on collecting data
pertaining to the future of
the Internet. After looking
through innumerable sites and
scanning countless search
pages, I've decided to get it
straight from you: the top
dogs, the hip and trendy, and
the state-of-the-art
designers. Based on your
opinions and the data I've
collected, I'm hoping to
publish an essay to give
insight to those of us
wondering how much more there
is beyond Web pages and

Here's where you come in. What
do you predict the future of
the Internet will hold? In 2
years? In 5 years? 20 years?
100 years? Whatever. I'm
asking for your professional
opinion. Rest assured you
will be given due credit for
this and your names will be
included in the essay. Thanks
for your time.

Nathan Keller

Nathan, we are quite possibly
less qualified to predict the
future of the Internet than
the guy who begs for change
outside our office.

But lack of qualifications has
never held us back before. We
think the Internet is going
to hell in a handbasket for
the next two years. Then,
maybe in five years, someone
might think of something else
to do with it, but by then,
hopefully, we'll have worked
our way up to assistant
editorships at Forbes or Family
, and we'll be licking
the boots of boring old CEOs
or planning the next festive
triple-layer cake for the
cover shot, and we won't care

But, just out of curiosity,
what did you mean when you
said your request wouldn't
require "the pulling of
certain strings"? What kinds
of strings could you possibly
have meant by that? You've
piqued our curiosity - what
kinds of strings could you
possibly imagine us pulling?
Do we really seem that
important to you? We find the
thought strangely thrilling.

Fish With Letter Icon

Confusion Becomes Her

Subject: What`s this Place

your site makes no sense.What
point of confusion are you
in? You have a bad problem
and it`s all inside of that
round thing you call a
head.Your brain is as bald as
your head.I know free speach,
free speach!!!!!!

Edie Dubar

Your message makes no sense.
What point of confusion are
you in? The last point? Your
head is as pink and squishy
as your brain - like free
peaches, free peaches!!!

Fish With Letter Icon

Next Time, Tell Paglia

Not men, not women, but
people. Now that materialism
has nearly completely buried
spirtualism, and everyone is
so goddamn pragmatic; who
wants to have sex with any of
them? Today's jerks are going
to judge you, slightly skewed
for possessions, on

I had a problem when I was
younger; I was sex addicted.
Fortunately I met various
women who seemed willing to
teach this shy boy how to
please them. It was a time
when being open about your
perversities was cool, and if
you were lucky you would meet
someone who was dying to
experience their

The act: Role Playing at first
has its attraction I'm
certain. The first time I saw
a woman's eyes sparkle like
a wolf in blazing heat, as
her veins pushed against her
almost translucent skin,
flaming red from her belly to
her ear lobes, raging with
such passion, sex had become
dangerous and all it took was
two of us to get her there.
Two reasons, she discovered
that being "naughty" or "bad"
drove her wild and secondly
because the four hands two
tongues and other appendages
existed right now, in this
state, at her beck and

This and more simply because I
didn't like my reflex
reaction of no. Oh yes, and
when quite a bit younger
chronic masturbation to help
flesh out my fantasies for
later exploration. One
problem, I was a romantic
that was only deeply
fulfilled when the sex had
love and affection, in other
words, I was never quite
comfortable with myself
because I felt a yearning for
something that was missing
when all the
intellectualizing and
surrender to osterizing had
passed, it would have been
nice to have a friend there
in the dark who wanted to
talk, or let me feel the
blues, or just lie there
quietly in the darkness,
holding each other tenderly
and closely because it feels
right somehow. I'm not sure
of what you would like to
call this, but I once missed
it badly and now have found
that friendship again, and
I'm fulfilled and grateful
for one more chance


using a neighbor's computer
and fell into this page and

Gary, has someone made the
mistake of telling you that
you're a good writer?

You borrowed your neighbor's
computer, and the first thing
you did was a search on
"polygamy," right?

Parody is such a dangerous
art. We've worked for years
to shield ourselves from
contact with this level of
earnest confession in our
professional lives. Just one
more reason to feel happy
Camille Paglia doesn't
actually write for us....

Fish With Letter Icon

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