The Fish
for 7 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

T-shirt Tales

Oops, I think I just mailed
you guys $10.00 for a $12.00
shirt. Perhaps you can find a
way to decrease its value.


Sure, there are lots of ways
to decrease its value. We
could stretch it out, or rip
it a little, or maybe spill
some coffee on it. Which
would you prefer?

Fish With Letter Icon

Future Webolution!

Dear webmasters,

Hi, I'm a student at a local
Texas school working on a
project. No, this won't
require a long written essay
on your part or the pulling
of certain strings, etc. Only
your professional opinions.

I'm working on collecting data
pertaining to the future of
the Internet. After looking
through innumerable sites and
scanning countless search
pages, I've decided to get it
straight from you: the top
dogs, the hip and trendy, and
the state-of-the-art
designers. Based on your
opinions and the data I've
collected, I'm hoping to
publish an essay to give
insight to those of us
wondering how much more there
is beyond Web pages and

Here's where you come in. What
do you predict the future of
the Internet will hold? In 2
years? In 5 years? 20 years?
100 years? Whatever. I'm
asking for your professional
opinion. Rest assured you
will be given due credit for
this and your names will be
included in the essay. Thanks
for your time.

Nathan Keller

Nathan, we are quite possibly
less qualified to predict the
future of the Internet than
the guy who begs for change
outside our office.

But lack of qualifications has
never held us back before. We
think the Internet is going
to hell in a handbasket for
the next two years. Then,
maybe in five years, someone
might think of something else
to do with it, but by then,
hopefully, we'll have worked
our way up to assistant
editorships at Forbes or Family
, and we'll be licking
the boots of boring old CEOs
or planning the next festive
triple-layer cake for the
cover shot, and we won't care

But, just out of curiosity,
what did you mean when you
said your request wouldn't
require "the pulling of
certain strings"? What kinds
of strings could you possibly
have meant by that? You've
piqued our curiosity - what
kinds of strings could you
possibly imagine us pulling?
Do we really seem that
important to you? We find the
thought strangely thrilling.

Fish With Letter Icon

Confusion Becomes Her

Subject: What`s this Place

your site makes no sense.What
point of confusion are you
in? You have a bad problem
and it`s all inside of that
round thing you call a
head.Your brain is as bald as
your head.I know free speach,
free speach!!!!!!

Edie Dubar

Your message makes no sense.
What point of confusion are
you in? The last point? Your
head is as pink and squishy
as your brain - like free
peaches, free peaches!!!

Fish With Letter Icon

Next Time, Tell Paglia

Not men, not women, but
people. Now that materialism
has nearly completely buried
spirtualism, and everyone is
so goddamn pragmatic; who
wants to have sex with any of
them? Today's jerks are going
to judge you, slightly skewed
for possessions, on

I had a problem when I was
younger; I was sex addicted.
Fortunately I met various
women who seemed willing to
teach this shy boy how to
please them. It was a time
when being open about your
perversities was cool, and if
you were lucky you would meet
someone who was dying to
experience their

The act: Role Playing at first
has its attraction I'm
certain. The first time I saw
a woman's eyes sparkle like
a wolf in blazing heat, as
her veins pushed against her
almost translucent skin,
flaming red from her belly to
her ear lobes, raging with
such passion, sex had become
dangerous and all it took was
two of us to get her there.
Two reasons, she discovered
that being "naughty" or "bad"
drove her wild and secondly
because the four hands two
tongues and other appendages
existed right now, in this
state, at her beck and

This and more simply because I
didn't like my reflex
reaction of no. Oh yes, and
when quite a bit younger
chronic masturbation to help
flesh out my fantasies for
later exploration. One
problem, I was a romantic
that was only deeply
fulfilled when the sex had
love and affection, in other
words, I was never quite
comfortable with myself
because I felt a yearning for
something that was missing
when all the
intellectualizing and
surrender to osterizing had
passed, it would have been
nice to have a friend there
in the dark who wanted to
talk, or let me feel the
blues, or just lie there
quietly in the darkness,
holding each other tenderly
and closely because it feels
right somehow. I'm not sure
of what you would like to
call this, but I once missed
it badly and now have found
that friendship again, and
I'm fulfilled and grateful
for one more chance


using a neighbor's computer
and fell into this page and

Gary, has someone made the
mistake of telling you that
you're a good writer?

You borrowed your neighbor's
computer, and the first thing
you did was a search on
"polygamy," right?

Parody is such a dangerous
art. We've worked for years
to shield ourselves from
contact with this level of
earnest confession in our
professional lives. Just one
more reason to feel happy
Camille Paglia doesn't
actually write for us....

Fish With Letter Icon

Job Search

Can I have a job too?

Here are my qualifications:

1) I never went to Swarthmore.

2) I like capital letters,
especially at the beginning
of sentences.

3) I haven't written anything
more complicated than a
grocery list since dropping
out of high school.

4) I think a job would be,
like, really fun, as long as
it didn't mess up my free
time too much.

5) I really need the money.

Please let me know when I can
start. Thank you.

Scott Prater

You started yesterday. Where
were you? We had to give your
Senior Managing Everything
position to some guy from
Swarthmore. We're not sure
what he's good for yet, but
he keeps his pencils really
sharp, which seems like a
good sign.

Fish With Letter Icon

Suck Poetry

Hey, I'm taking this writing
class where for the past
couple of days we've been
making "cut and paste"
poetry: Y'know, where you
photocopy somebody else's
work and cut it up and put it
back together some other way?
We did this in class with
Ginsberg's "Howl," and I kept
expecting his corpse to burst
into the room in a rage and
take our scissors away.

Has anybody ever done this
before, or is my professor
just yanking our chains?

Anyway, I kept forgetting to
photocopy pages out of
anything, and the only thing
I could even think of using
was a copy of Digerati:
Encounters with the
And while I
could have skipped the
photocopies and just cut the
book apart, and though I was
curious to see if a pair of
scissors couldn't turn
Brockman's exercise in
name-dropping into something
meaningful, I still couldn't
escape the feeling that the
only thing more dreadful than
reading that book in a linear
fashion would be cutting it
all up and putting it back
together. But, at the last
minute, in a flash, I
thought: "Hey, why even risk
a paper cut when the four Ws
(World Wide Web and Windows)
make this whole idea a
scissorless practice?" Thus,
this li'l gem. It's taken
from Hit and Run LXXIX and
LeTeXan's "Auteur, Auteur"
piece. Thanx for the
inspiration, please don't sue
me, and above all, enjoy!

a fish, a barrel, and a
smoking gun

Sell out early and often.

Even a live person can be
packaged and merchandised
like a Star Wars action

Or a Space Jam Happy Meal.

Propagate the notion of media

Making beautiful music

The gestalt of stagflation,
shitty music, overwork, and
one too many caffeine

There comes inevitably a
vertiginous rush of hungry
hype-feeders wanting a piece
of the action.

Along with death, taxes, and
overhyped movies, one can
always count on tag-along
skin flicks with titles like
Pulp Friction, Forrest Hump, and

Iconic masturbation
and total banal crap The
quintessential win-win

Thanx to the Sucksters


That would be the cut-up
method. And appropriately
named, in this case - it's
hilarious. If only all our
columns were this funny - and

Fish With Letter Icon

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