The Fish
for 6 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Next Time, Tell Paglia

Not men, not women, but
people. Now that materialism
has nearly completely buried
spirtualism, and everyone is
so goddamn pragmatic; who
wants to have sex with any of
them? Today's jerks are going
to judge you, slightly skewed
for possessions, on

I had a problem when I was
younger; I was sex addicted.
Fortunately I met various
women who seemed willing to
teach this shy boy how to
please them. It was a time
when being open about your
perversities was cool, and if
you were lucky you would meet
someone who was dying to
experience their

The act: Role Playing at first
has its attraction I'm
certain. The first time I saw
a woman's eyes sparkle like
a wolf in blazing heat, as
her veins pushed against her
almost translucent skin,
flaming red from her belly to
her ear lobes, raging with
such passion, sex had become
dangerous and all it took was
two of us to get her there.
Two reasons, she discovered
that being "naughty" or "bad"
drove her wild and secondly
because the four hands two
tongues and other appendages
existed right now, in this
state, at her beck and

This and more simply because I
didn't like my reflex
reaction of no. Oh yes, and
when quite a bit younger
chronic masturbation to help
flesh out my fantasies for
later exploration. One
problem, I was a romantic
that was only deeply
fulfilled when the sex had
love and affection, in other
words, I was never quite
comfortable with myself
because I felt a yearning for
something that was missing
when all the
intellectualizing and
surrender to osterizing had
passed, it would have been
nice to have a friend there
in the dark who wanted to
talk, or let me feel the
blues, or just lie there
quietly in the darkness,
holding each other tenderly
and closely because it feels
right somehow. I'm not sure
of what you would like to
call this, but I once missed
it badly and now have found
that friendship again, and
I'm fulfilled and grateful
for one more chance


using a neighbor's computer
and fell into this page and

Gary, has someone made the
mistake of telling you that
you're a good writer?

You borrowed your neighbor's
computer, and the first thing
you did was a search on
"polygamy," right?

Parody is such a dangerous
art. We've worked for years
to shield ourselves from
contact with this level of
earnest confession in our
professional lives. Just one
more reason to feel happy
Camille Paglia doesn't
actually write for us....

Fish With Letter Icon

Job Search

Can I have a job too?

Here are my qualifications:

1) I never went to Swarthmore.

2) I like capital letters,
especially at the beginning
of sentences.

3) I haven't written anything
more complicated than a
grocery list since dropping
out of high school.

4) I think a job would be,
like, really fun, as long as
it didn't mess up my free
time too much.

5) I really need the money.

Please let me know when I can
start. Thank you.

Scott Prater

You started yesterday. Where
were you? We had to give your
Senior Managing Everything
position to some guy from
Swarthmore. We're not sure
what he's good for yet, but
he keeps his pencils really
sharp, which seems like a
good sign.

Fish With Letter Icon

Suck Poetry

Hey, I'm taking this writing
class where for the past
couple of days we've been
making "cut and paste"
poetry: Y'know, where you
photocopy somebody else's
work and cut it up and put it
back together some other way?
We did this in class with
Ginsberg's "Howl," and I kept
expecting his corpse to burst
into the room in a rage and
take our scissors away.

Has anybody ever done this
before, or is my professor
just yanking our chains?

Anyway, I kept forgetting to
photocopy pages out of
anything, and the only thing
I could even think of using
was a copy of Digerati:
Encounters with the
And while I
could have skipped the
photocopies and just cut the
book apart, and though I was
curious to see if a pair of
scissors couldn't turn
Brockman's exercise in
name-dropping into something
meaningful, I still couldn't
escape the feeling that the
only thing more dreadful than
reading that book in a linear
fashion would be cutting it
all up and putting it back
together. But, at the last
minute, in a flash, I
thought: "Hey, why even risk
a paper cut when the four Ws
(World Wide Web and Windows)
make this whole idea a
scissorless practice?" Thus,
this li'l gem. It's taken
from Hit and Run LXXIX and
LeTeXan's "Auteur, Auteur"
piece. Thanx for the
inspiration, please don't sue
me, and above all, enjoy!

a fish, a barrel, and a
smoking gun

Sell out early and often.

Even a live person can be
packaged and merchandised
like a Star Wars action

Or a Space Jam Happy Meal.

Propagate the notion of media

Making beautiful music

The gestalt of stagflation,
shitty music, overwork, and
one too many caffeine

There comes inevitably a
vertiginous rush of hungry
hype-feeders wanting a piece
of the action.

Along with death, taxes, and
overhyped movies, one can
always count on tag-along
skin flicks with titles like
Pulp Friction, Forrest Hump, and

Iconic masturbation
and total banal crap The
quintessential win-win

Thanx to the Sucksters


That would be the cut-up
method. And appropriately
named, in this case - it's
hilarious. If only all our
columns were this funny - and

Fish With Letter Icon

In Search of .... a Job

Do you have any jobs avalable?
If the answer is afirmative,
I will reply with details.
The over view is this. I live
in Vermont, where I work for
a software company. My duties
include Technical Support
(Department Head) Webmaster
and Other ISs (Departments
Head). I have been dying to
live in the Northwest, but
have been having a hard time
finding a justification for

Name Withheld

Oh my God. Do we live in the
Northwest? We've never
thought of this as the
Northwest. We're not in
Seattle, you know, or
Portland for that matter. In
fact, San Francisco is
roughly the same latitude as
Virginia, and Virginia is,
for those in the know, in the
"South" (i.e., south of the
Mason-Dixon line). So, by
proxy, we can't possibly be
considered "North."

However, we will consider you
for any position that becomes
available, since we're always
looking for people who are
the Heads of Departments who
want to work for Suck because
they're searching for a
justification for moving to
the "Northwest."

Fish With Letter Icon

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