The Fish
for 1 May 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

A Very Palpable Hit

Excuse me, but doesn't your
article refute itself? Most
of what we need to know about
Life and Art and Stuff can be
found in Shakespeare, and
here in scenic NYC (if not in
Eden-on-the-Bay) we can find
a pretty good production of
something other than Hamlet
almost every week. (Two
productions of Cymbeline this
year, both fine. Go figure.)
We don't really have to keep
up with TooNewMusic ... lots
of Bach available; Johnathan
Miller's recent production of
the St. Matthew Passion had
more honest angst in it than
all of Seattle. I haven't had
time to read The Kiss, since
the local Barnes & Noble
has, in addition to a
significantly weird singles
scene, the new translation of
The Odyssey and the Divine
I'm not quite sure
what's happening in art these
days, but the Met has a fine
show of Byzantine stuff that
hasn't been out of its
monastery in 500 years, not
to mention some lovely
pornographic Roman glass. In
short, who cares about The
Next Big Thing? In fact, why
you care about the next
big thing? If you ignore it,
it will go away.

Alan Kornheiser

Thanks for writing, Alan. But
do you always read Suck
pieces backwards? There is
nothing in there that
advocates caring about the
next next big thing. In fact,
I was laboring to show what a
fool's errand that is.

As it happens, I also live in
New York City and am well
aware of the classical and
"avant" culture available,
thanks. But I expect you've
noticed that most people
don't actually live in New
York City and wouldn't
recognize Spalding Gray if he
stuck his tongue up their
noses. If it makes you feel
any better, I don't read the
newspapers, and I don't have
cable TV.

But I'm not going to get in a
pissing match with you about
who's seen more
off-off-off-Broadway plays,
or read the complete works of
Dostoyevsky more times -
because I hate to win, and
who cares anyway?

Explaining jokes and Suck
rants strips each of whatever
humor it may have had in the
first place, if any, but here
goes: The piece meant to
argue that strutting and
fretting about the next wave
of hipness is a
self-defeating and endlessly
circular exercise - hence the
references to Hamlet's
obsessive indecision. It
sounds like you made up your
mind already, Polonius, but
there was really a method in
that madness, I promise.

- Ersatz

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Schizophrenia?

I've enjoyed your articles in
the past. Just wanted to know
if you're taking your
medication properly? The
significance of what you are
saying is getting lost in
your "typicaly self-indulgent
overly chaotic verbosity."
Sure, has a unique
taste to it. But for some
reason I tend to walk away
from one of your articles
with that familiar
dopamine-based, euphoric
post-ejaculatory intellectual
high, where, sure, a few
moments of satisfaction - but
what a mess!!!




It's unclear whether you're
referring to myself, or Suck
in general.

Either way, having cheeked my
meds for some time now, I'm
greatly looking forward to
when the inmates take over
the asylum.

All the best,

- Ersatz

Fish With Letter Icon


I have read your last three
pieces and I can't make the
least bit of sense of any of
them. At all. And I've read
William Burroughs!!!

David Bates

And I haven't read William
Burroughs. Maybe we should
ask him what I meant?

- Ersatz

Fish With Letter Icon

Tech Question


I'm not sure if it is me or
you, but for the past couple
of weeks now, your front page
gets cut off at the bottom.
The scroll bar stops, but
there is clearly more text
below, but I can't get to

Any hints?

Peter Bebergal


Yes, we have a hint. You're
using the Netscape 4.0 beta,

It's a bug in their table
layouts. It'll be fixed for
the next beta. But for now,
read Suck with 3.x.

T. Jay, Production Manager

Fish With Letter Icon

Moron Rants

A rant like yours with no
reference to the ultimate
ranter, Lenny Bruce, is not
worth a dime in a world of

Also, whatever happened to
mentions of fine radio
ranters? Now that I'm in New
York, that means Don Imus and
Howard Stern. In my San
Francisco days before I moved
east, the rant mantle was
worn by no other than Alex

Marc Harrison

Exsqueeze? Alex Bennett? We'd
sooner start each morning
with a vigorous workout.

Fish With Letter Icon

Rerunning on Empty

You skipped one of the most
toxic effects of our endless
tail-sucking TV nostalgia -
TV trivia/deconstruction
(name depending on whether
one took a grad degree or
not). Q: What was the name of
the bar where everyone hung
out in Three's Company?
Alternately, was Floyd the
barber on The Andy Griffith
supposed to represent a
deeply closeted homosexual (I
won't even mention Barney and
his bulletless gun)?
Depressing to think the
America's founders could swap
in-jokes about the subjects
of Plutarch's lives, while we
(and worse, coming
generations) are doomed to
wink at each other over The
Brady Bunch.

P.S. Re: The Colon cartoons -
Is Heather Haverlsky's (sic)
head really as large as the
rest of her body?

Ralph Ward

Pop cultural in-jokes have to
get old eventually, don't
they? We'll applaud their
passing, even if it means our

Cruel appearance-slandering
jokes, on the other hand,
never get old. But still,
please don't make fun of
Heather Havrilesky's head.
It's enormous (think
pumpkin). But we refrain from
mentioning it to her for fear
that she'll quit. Only Terry
gets away with bringing this
ugly fact to her attention
via his cruelly accurate

Fish With Letter Icon

Rant Rant

Subject: The daily rant rants
about rants.

Suck's smartass sensibility
could easily be held to blame
for the defanging of the
rant. Streaming onto
computers with their daily
rants, Microsoft commercials,
and assorted diatribes, their
persona remains unchanged - a
self-involved Slate with a
thesaurus, firing off endless
references to names of books,
movies, and TV programs, so
that Web geeks can feel good
about how hip they are.

Keep it up.

-Tim Hall

Thanks for the compliments,
Tim, but aren't you
overstating our influence
just a tad? We couldn't
defang the rant if we tried,
and lord, how we've tried!
And while you may take our
pop-cultural references as an
inside joke at best, a slight
at worst, we'd suggest you're
not reading enough books,
going to enough movies, or
watching enough TV. Any fool
can see that we're
shamelessly media-obsessed -
if you're not, then what are
you doing here?

Stick around.

Fish With Letter Icon

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