The Fish
for 21 April 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Dear Suck,

What's the deal with that
Spanker guy? You write about
him once, and he keeps
sending you angry email.
Here's my theory: Your
dismissive piece on his
copyright woes have caused
him to develop a mad crush on
you, and he's carrying out a
courtship in the only way he
knows how - by constantly
flaming you. It's kind of
flattering, in a sad and
pathetic way, don't you

- S.

Oh, it isn't sad and pathetic
at all, actually. It's good

Oof. See what this business
does to your mind?

Fish With Letter Icon

Follow-up to Urban Elite

Subject: Hey, you lobotomized

The point?

The point is, the only
downside (that I can see) of
overpaid DINKs shooting their
wad on jazz concerts and
fancy cheese is that the cost
of that kind of stuff will
tend to rise. And that's only
a downside if you go in for
that kind of stuff. The
upside is, more money into
the arts as a whole means
(indirectly maybe) more
support for clubs like
Beanbender's, the Hotel Utah,
and Bottom of the Hill (since
you were dying to know). And
without yuppies in the
grocery store, I wouldn't be
able to make my grilled
cheese sandwiches with
Stilton and smoked Gouda when
I felt like it. And I like
having that option.

So, cost of seeing Bela Fleck
going up to $30 bad, sandwich
good. I'm willing to accept

As to the two digs that you
definitely did get:

Of course I dodged naming the
"proper cultural icons," with
what I'd hoped was a visible
wink. The content-mills I
named before (the "stupid"
ones) are ones that certain
demographics are "supposed"
to like.

Here are some others:

The Velvet Underground
Neil Young
Miles Davis
Mikhail Baryshnikov
Tiger Woods
Paul Krassner

... and yet I'd rather watch
pro wrestling than be
audience to the work of any
of these guys. Just as maybe
y'all would rather watch
Melrose (or maybe I've just
alienated every last one of
you "woodheads"). The whole
point of raising one's head
out of the cultural swamp is
to find a few fronds that
suit one's personal tastes,
and as long as I'm geting my
fill, I don't care what's
sliding down your saurian

And I do like his earlier,
funny ones.

Craig "Scenes from A. Hall"

Ah. The old "I like their
early stuff" mantra.

But remind us of your point
again? Oh yeah. You have your
own, special tastes, and
while it bums you out when
the costs of some stuff goes
up, it's fine with you if you
can get the cheese you want.
So, you know, it's a mixed
bag, see? And when it comes
down to it, you don't care
what anyone else likes,
'cause you think Tiger Woods
is way, way overhyped!

Fascinating. Very original.

Fish With Letter Icon

Custer's Last Hand

Hello BarTel

Really enjoyed your column in
Suck today. It struck one of
my chords, so to say.

I've had some other ideas
concerning the Indians
getting back at the whiteys.
On my Web site is a cartoon
that I did back in '93, and
another idea I had (while
working on advertising for an
auto dealership) in '94. It
was common for me to get
goofball ideas while
designing commercial

I've recently been
"rightsized" out of a job at
a company that got most of
its revenue from gambling
companies. I added those
items to my site after the
firing. You should see how my
ex-boss would climb over
himself, friends, and family
to French-kiss-ass with the
casinos for their money.




Downsizing is a national
disgrace! We know how hard it
is to be a white guy these
days, and as part of our
effort to care for the
victims of corporate common
sense, we have put you on our
list of possible recipients
of a wagonload of Suck
blankets (small pox
vaccination highly
recommended prior to use).


Fish With Letter Icon


One of the best things about
being unemployed is being
friends, or engaging in
conversation with, people you
would usually not give eye
contact or the time of day.

"Yes, I am interested in extra
health coverage."

"I'm sorry I don't have a
dollar. But I do have a few
minutes to chat."

"Hi Mom."

I think the benefits that come
from recession, depression,
and a newly wed Alan
Greenspan can only offer a
coming-together of the

Mike Collado

Alan Greenspan wed? Does that
mean tight money or loose
money? And what does that

Fish With Letter Icon

Moron The Shit

How much does it cost to have
a title listed in The Shit? A
friend's coming out with a
Joseph Heller study in a
couple of months.


Send US$200.00 - check payable
to T. Jay Fowler, Suck, 660
Third Street, 4th Floor, San
Francisco, CA 94107.

Fish With Letter Icon

Stop the Presses

You know, I'm quite a fan of Where else can I
exchange hard-earned currency
for such valuable goods and
services? I have shelves and
shelves full of books, which
really impresses friends and
families and makes me seem
much more intelligent than my
ACT scores would lead one to
believe. Unfortunately, this
doesn't really seem to help
in the "relationship-
department, as women don't
really seem to be too
impressed at my ability to
drop apparently extremely
intellegent words to describe
very simplist sorts of

Example: "Hello there, young,
nubile beauty, would you care
to consume an alchoholic
beverage with me while we
discuss the juxtaposition of
your fashion paradigm from
your persona to the realm of
my floor?"

Usually ends up with smoke
coming out her ears as the
286 processor melts down....


robert asher

Words aren't intelligent, Bob.
People are. And, while you
might be surprised to hear
this advice coming from us,
using "big" words to describe
"simplist" things really
isn't impressive. More often
than not, it's annoying,
hence the disappointing
results you're getting in the
opposite-sex department.

However, we find your
conclusion that a woman's
disgust with your bookish act
is simply a sign of her
slower processor speed a
wonderfully poignant reminder
of our youth. You're so
naively smug in that
college-guy kinda way....
It's touching, really. Don't
let these years slip by too
quickly, Bob. Rest assured
that the bliss of your
innocent vanity will be
replaced all too soon by an
awareness of a much harsher
alternate universe in which
you, not the nubile young
beauty, are the dupe.

Fish With Letter Icon

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