The Fish
for 17 April 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Moron The Shit

How much does it cost to have
a title listed in The Shit? A
friend's coming out with a
Joseph Heller study in a
couple of months.


Send US$200.00 - check payable
to T. Jay Fowler, Suck, 660
Third Street, 4th Floor, San
Francisco, CA 94107.

Fish With Letter Icon

Stop the Presses

You know, I'm quite a fan of Where else can I
exchange hard-earned currency
for such valuable goods and
services? I have shelves and
shelves full of books, which
really impresses friends and
families and makes me seem
much more intelligent than my
ACT scores would lead one to
believe. Unfortunately, this
doesn't really seem to help
in the "relationship-
department, as women don't
really seem to be too
impressed at my ability to
drop apparently extremely
intellegent words to describe
very simplist sorts of

Example: "Hello there, young,
nubile beauty, would you care
to consume an alchoholic
beverage with me while we
discuss the juxtaposition of
your fashion paradigm from
your persona to the realm of
my floor?"

Usually ends up with smoke
coming out her ears as the
286 processor melts down....


robert asher

Words aren't intelligent, Bob.
People are. And, while you
might be surprised to hear
this advice coming from us,
using "big" words to describe
"simplist" things really
isn't impressive. More often
than not, it's annoying,
hence the disappointing
results you're getting in the
opposite-sex department.

However, we find your
conclusion that a woman's
disgust with your bookish act
is simply a sign of her
slower processor speed a
wonderfully poignant reminder
of our youth. You're so
naively smug in that
college-guy kinda way....
It's touching, really. Don't
let these years slip by too
quickly, Bob. Rest assured
that the bliss of your
innocent vanity will be
replaced all too soon by an
awareness of a much harsher
alternate universe in which
you, not the nubile young
beauty, are the dupe.

Fish With Letter Icon

Custer's Last Hand

Nice piece, but it's amusing
to see how many people
involved in Foxwoods are guys
with Italian and Irish last
names who recently discovered
they were "part Narragansett"
or something.

Never underestimate the
ability of established,
experienced thieves
(including the IRS and US
Government) to get their
hands on large stacks of
cash. The rebuilding of
Atlantic City was hoisted on
the flimsy promises that part
of the money would feed
public school kids. Likewise,
I never fail to wheeze a
bitter chuckle when I
overhear some moron defend
his fistful of New York
Lottery tickets with the
tired excuse, "It all goes to
the schools."

The road to hell may indeed be
paved with good intentions,
but I-95 was widened to
accomodate the
ever-increasing flood of
fools and money seeking a
painless no-fault divorce.

Rob Seulowitz

Fish With Letter Icon

I very much enjoyed the
article about "tribal"
casinos, and I thought the
point about casinos painting
an image of community benefit
to lure in guilty white folk
was clever and well-stated.
However, I think the article
gave the impression that the
claims of community benefit
made by some "tribal" casinos
are true. Casinos may provide
jobs for many community
members, however, "tribal"
casinos are no more
charitable than most
traditional casinos. Donald
Trump does not do much to put
money back into the
community, and I'm sure
neither do the few elite
moguls of the "tribal"

Sam Douglass

Fish With Letter Icon

Sucking up for a Spanking

Hmm, so Owen's an alum now?
Well, I guess if I had to gum
my way through all that
Gen-X, pomo irony day after
day, I'd probably either have
to fling myself off of the
Golden Gate, or, I don't
know, start a grunge band.
Don't you guys ever get

Tell you what, why don't you
put down the thesaurusi and
the KY-Jelly and do something
constructive for a change -
like roasting me for my big
birthday blow out. Come on,
let's see how hilarious you
angry youngsters are. Let's
hear all about how goddamn
unfunny and unispired I am -
or, better yet how much you
couldn't care less about me.
(And if you take the easy way
out with something like, "go
spank yourself," I will have
to handle all of your
noisette-sipping asses

god bless, spanky

Oh, and I'll expect your text
before the 15th.

This is your solution to our
problem with boredom? Or your
solution to your problem with
low hit counts?

Fish With Letter Icon

Urban Elite

Polly want to be a cracker? Or
just living in the city a
little too long?

Hey now,

You seem to be slagging off
people who have money and
like insipid things. Isn't it
good, though, that their
money is being siphoned off
by (and therefore increasing
the market value of, and
therefore the cost to you and
me of) Martha Stewart's
Living rather than by
Bunnyhop? Josh Redman instead
of Dan Plonsey? Sarafina
instead of SRL?

Sure, it's this crowd that
KQED is playing to when they
put on John Tesh and Irish
dancing ev'ry night (they
don't really never watch TV,
after all ... ). But the
cultural nutrition pyramid
goes like this:

Stupid stuff for lots of poor

Alanis Morissette, Michael
Jordan, Bruce Willis Still
pretty stupid stuff for the
rich: Andrew Lloyd-Webber,
Peter Sellers, Woody Allen

Decent stuff:

(Oh come on, surely me and
thee know the proper cultural
icons to worship without me

Or do I misinterpret you? Are
you just annoyed at these
people and possibly
suspicious that all one needs
to be happy is to imbibe lots
of Odwalla, pesto, and
shiitake mushrooms*? Hey -
they're not happy. Truuuust

Craig "Suburban Prole" Demel

*Try that in a blender **foma

I'm not sure what your point
is, but I like the way you
dodged listing "decent stuff"
that would meet with our
approval. Now I'm just dying
to know who the "proper
cultural icons" are,
particularly considering the
fact that you deem Woody
Allen "pretty stupid." If
Woody Allen is pretty stupid,
then I'm a lobotomized goon.

Fish With Letter Icon

Harmful Additives

Finally a Suck contributor is
starting to channel the old
Carl 'n' Joey vibe. Halfway
through Harmful Additives I
decided I must be reading the
work of the Duke, but Lo, it
was you. Maybe the others
will catch on.

PF <>

Emission Media, Inc.
Launching Soon...
A daily comedy show in
From the creators of Spanq!

Why would we want to imitate
the old Carl 'n' Joey vibe,
when you've dedicated your
career to doing just that?

Speaking of which: Ingest.
Wow. But hey, we know how
hard it must be, sorting
through leftover domain names
for something fresh and new.
At least it's a verb, right?
And it's "from the creators
of Spanq!"... But ... are you
sure that's the best angle?

Fish With Letter Icon

The Stuff -- it's a list of stuff we like

Little link to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
A machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes