The Fish
for 16 April 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Custer's Last Hand


Nice piece, but it's amusing
to see how many people
involved in Foxwoods are guys
with Italian and Irish last
names who recently discovered
they were "part Narragansett"
or something.

Never underestimate the
ability of established,
experienced thieves
(including the IRS and US
Government) to get their
hands on large stacks of
cash. The rebuilding of
Atlantic City was hoisted on
the flimsy promises that part
of the money would feed
public school kids. Likewise,
I never fail to wheeze a
bitter chuckle when I
overhear some moron defend
his fistful of New York
Lottery tickets with the
tired excuse, "It all goes to
the schools."

The road to hell may indeed be
paved with good intentions,
but I-95 was widened to
accomodate the
ever-increasing flood of
fools and money seeking a
painless no-fault divorce.

Rob Seulowitz

Fish With Letter Icon

I very much enjoyed the
article about "tribal"
casinos, and I thought the
point about casinos painting
an image of community benefit
to lure in guilty white folk
was clever and well-stated.
However, I think the article
gave the impression that the
claims of community benefit
made by some "tribal" casinos
are true. Casinos may provide
jobs for many community
members, however, "tribal"
casinos are no more
charitable than most
traditional casinos. Donald
Trump does not do much to put
money back into the
community, and I'm sure
neither do the few elite
moguls of the "tribal"

Sam Douglass

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Sucking up for a Spanking

Hmm, so Owen's an alum now?
Well, I guess if I had to gum
my way through all that
Gen-X, pomo irony day after
day, I'd probably either have
to fling myself off of the
Golden Gate, or, I don't
know, start a grunge band.
Don't you guys ever get

Tell you what, why don't you
put down the thesaurusi and
the KY-Jelly and do something
constructive for a change -
like roasting me for my big
birthday blow out. Come on,
let's see how hilarious you
angry youngsters are. Let's
hear all about how goddamn
unfunny and unispired I am -
or, better yet how much you
couldn't care less about me.
(And if you take the easy way
out with something like, "go
spank yourself," I will have
to handle all of your
noisette-sipping asses

god bless, spanky

Oh, and I'll expect your text
before the 15th.

This is your solution to our
problem with boredom? Or your
solution to your problem with
low hit counts?

Fish With Letter Icon

Urban Elite

Polly want to be a cracker? Or
just living in the city a
little too long?

Hey now,

You seem to be slagging off
people who have money and
like insipid things. Isn't it
good, though, that their
money is being siphoned off
by (and therefore increasing
the market value of, and
therefore the cost to you and
me of) Martha Stewart's
Living rather than by
Bunnyhop? Josh Redman instead
of Dan Plonsey? Sarafina
instead of SRL?

Sure, it's this crowd that
KQED is playing to when they
put on John Tesh and Irish
dancing ev'ry night (they
don't really never watch TV,
after all ... ). But the
cultural nutrition pyramid
goes like this:

Stupid stuff for lots of poor

Alanis Morissette, Michael
Jordan, Bruce Willis Still
pretty stupid stuff for the
rich: Andrew Lloyd-Webber,
Peter Sellers, Woody Allen

Decent stuff:

(Oh come on, surely me and
thee know the proper cultural
icons to worship without me

Or do I misinterpret you? Are
you just annoyed at these
people and possibly
suspicious that all one needs
to be happy is to imbibe lots
of Odwalla, pesto, and
shiitake mushrooms*? Hey -
they're not happy. Truuuust

Craig "Suburban Prole" Demel

*Try that in a blender **foma

I'm not sure what your point
is, but I like the way you
dodged listing "decent stuff"
that would meet with our
approval. Now I'm just dying
to know who the "proper
cultural icons" are,
particularly considering the
fact that you deem Woody
Allen "pretty stupid." If
Woody Allen is pretty stupid,
then I'm a lobotomized goon.

Fish With Letter Icon

Harmful Additives

Finally a Suck contributor is
starting to channel the old
Carl 'n' Joey vibe. Halfway
through Harmful Additives I
decided I must be reading the
work of the Duke, but Lo, it
was you. Maybe the others
will catch on.

PF <>

Emission Media, Inc.
Launching Soon...
A daily comedy show in
From the creators of Spanq!

Why would we want to imitate
the old Carl 'n' Joey vibe,
when you've dedicated your
career to doing just that?

Speaking of which: Ingest.
Wow. But hey, we know how
hard it must be, sorting
through leftover domain names
for something fresh and new.
At least it's a verb, right?
And it's "from the creators
of Spanq!"... But ... are you
sure that's the best angle?

Fish With Letter Icon

The Shit List

Surely you can't be serious
about including Richard Ford
on your The Shit list. The
and Independence
were easily the two most
self-indulgent, inane, and
pointless works of recent
fiction that I've ever had
the displeasure of reading.
Why then did I read them both,
you may ask. I figured
something had to pick up
along the way to warrant the
"double" for Independence
I tried and tried to
like these books; however,
nothing could make me do it.

One would hope that you
Sucksters haven't decided
that you have anything in
common with Mr. Midlife
Crisis Sportswriter who
meanders through life feeling
sorry for himself and being
endlessly overintrospective.
A hot dog stand? Is that what
you hope to be doing in 15

I get the feeling that Ford
wrote the books exclusively
for the self-absorbed, smug
publishing crowd, hopefully
winking behind him all the
way, thinking, "I can't
believe they're buying into
this crap!" If he wasn't,
then something is very wrong

So what would I put in his
place on your list? How about
anything by Mark Leyner. Or
Robert Kaplan (not fiction
but much better reading

A disappointed longtime fan
(who DID get your April
Fools' joke, duh)

Look, Mr. Duh, if you were
really a longtime fan, you'd
know that we almost never
frown on the self-indulgent,
the inane, or the pointless.
Of course Independence Day
was horrible, but it was
horrible in a good, amusing
way. Get with it! You
probably don't watch Singled
or classic 90210 either.
Besides, the White House blew
up. That was cool.

And why is Ford somehow more
cool if he's snickering at
people buying his "crap"?
While we're the worst
perpetrators of the old
what-you-want trick with
mirrors, that doesn't make it
OK, OK? What if he honestly
thinks his books rock? What
the hell is wrong with a
little earnest mediocrity?
Without it, we'd be out of a
job. Hell, we'll probably out
of a job soon, regardless.

(But we're not worried. We
heard there's some new comedy
show online, sort of a
send-up to that old Carl 'n'
Joey style we know and love.
Maybe they're hiring...)

Fish With Letter Icon

Urbane Lite

Thanks for your piece. You
should get out more though,
there are rural elite as
well. Vermont is above all
else now a yuppie theme-park,
crawling, or should I say
hiking, with these same
types. Only the geography
changes. Was hoping for a
bigger punch line!

Thanks again.

Daniel McDonald

Colchester, VT

Every week I hope for bigger
and bigger punch lines, and
sometimes they come, and
sometimes they don't. But you
see, the Urban Elite thing
was less a cartoon, more an
illustrated poem, in the
tradition of Dr. Seuss,
though admittedly far, far
less clever. Thus, the few
lines: "They're fit,
clean-shaven, filthy rich!
They're not like you and me!"
are more of a summary, or a
moral, than a punch line.
Now, in an ideal world, they
would be both. But only
William Shakespeare has
really mastered that one.
And, on occasion, The
But the Fish and
the Hack with goofy looks are
good enough for me.

Diving off the lowest board


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