The Fish
for 15 April 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Sucking up for a Spanking

Hmm, so Owen's an alum now?
Well, I guess if I had to gum
my way through all that
Gen-X, pomo irony day after
day, I'd probably either have
to fling myself off of the
Golden Gate, or, I don't
know, start a grunge band.
Don't you guys ever get

Tell you what, why don't you
put down the thesaurusi and
the KY-Jelly and do something
constructive for a change -
like roasting me for my big
birthday blowout. Come on,
let's see how hilarious you
angry youngsters are. Let's
hear all about how goddamn
unfunny and uninspired I am -
or, better yet how much you
couldn't care less about me.
(And if you take the easy way
out with something like, "go
spank yourself," I will have
to handle all of your
noisette-sipping asses

god bless, spanky

Oh, and I'll expect your text
before the 15th.

This is your solution to our
problem with boredom? Or your
solution to your problem with
low hit counts?

Fish With Letter Icon

Urban Elite

Polly want to be a cracker? Or
just living in the city a
little too long?

Hey now,

You seem to be slagging off
people who have money and
like insipid things. Isn't it
good, though, that their
money is being siphoned off
by (and therefore increasing
the market value of, and
therefore the cost to you and
me of) Martha Stewart's
Living rather than by
Bunnyhop? Josh Redman instead
of Dan Plonsey? Sarafina
instead of SRL?

Sure, it's this crowd that
KQED is playing to when they
put on John Tesh and Irish
dancing ev'ry night (they
don't really never watch TV,
after all ... ). But the
cultural nutrition pyramid
goes like this:

Stupid stuff for lots of poor

Alanis Morissette, Michael
Jordan, Bruce Willis Still
pretty stupid stuff for the
rich: Andrew Lloyd-Webber,
Peter Sellers, Woody Allen

Decent stuff:

(Oh come on, surely me and
thee know the proper cultural
icons to worship without me

Or do I misinterpret you? Are
you just annoyed at these
people and possibly
suspicious that all one needs
to be happy is to imbibe lots
of Odwalla, pesto, and
shiitake mushrooms*? Hey -
they're not happy. Truuuust

Craig "Suburban Prole" Demel

*Try that in a blender **foma

I'm not sure what your point
is, but I like the way you
dodged listing "decent stuff"
that would meet with our
approval. Now I'm just dying
to know who the "proper
cultural icons" are,
particularly considering the
fact that you deem Woody
Allen "pretty stupid." If
Woody Allen is pretty stupid,
then I'm a lobotomized goon.

Fish With Letter Icon

Harmful Additives

Finally a Suck contributor is
starting to channel the old
Carl 'n' Joey vibe. Halfway
through Harmful Additives I
decided I must be reading the
work of the Duke, but Lo, it
was you. Maybe the others
will catch on.

PF <>

Emission Media, Inc.
Launching Soon...
A daily comedy show in
From the creators of Spanq!

Why would we want to imitate
the old Carl 'n' Joey vibe,
when you've dedicated your
career to doing just that?

Speaking of which: Ingest.
Wow. But hey, we know how
hard it must be, sorting
through leftover domain names
for something fresh and new.
At least it's a verb, right?
And it's "from the creators
of Spanq!"... But ... are you
sure that's the best angle?

Fish With Letter Icon

The Shit List

Surely you can't be serious
about including Richard Ford
on your The Shit list. The
and Independence
were easily the two most
self-indulgent, inane, and
pointless works of recent
fiction that I've ever had
the displeasure of reading.
Why then did I read them both,
you may ask. I figured
something had to pick up
along the way to warrant the
"double" for Independence
I tried and tried to
like these books; however,
nothing could make me do it.

One would hope that you
Sucksters haven't decided
that you have anything in
common with Mr. Midlife
Crisis Sportswriter who
meanders through life feeling
sorry for himself and being
endlessly overintrospective.
A hot dog stand? Is that what
you hope to be doing in 15

I get the feeling that Ford
wrote the books exclusively
for the self-absorbed, smug
publishing crowd, hopefully
winking behind him all the
way, thinking, "I can't
believe they're buying into
this crap!" If he wasn't,
then something is very wrong

So what would I put in his
place on your list? How about
anything by Mark Leyner. Or
Robert Kaplan (not fiction
but much better reading

A disappointed longtime fan
(who DID get your April
Fools' joke, duh)

Look, Mr. Duh, if you were
really a longtime fan, you'd
know that we almost never
frown on the self-indulgent,
the inane, or the pointless.
Of course Independence Day
was horrible, but it was
horrible in a good, amusing
way. Get with it! You
probably don't watch Singled
or classic 90210 either.
Besides, the White House blew
up. That was cool.

And why is Ford somehow more
cool if he's snickering at
people buying his "crap"?
While we're the worst
perpetrators of the old
what-you-want trick with
mirrors, that doesn't make it
OK, OK? What if he honestly
thinks his books rock? What
the hell is wrong with a
little earnest mediocrity?
Without it, we'd be out of a
job. Hell, we'll probably out
of a job soon, regardless.

(But we're not worried. We
heard there's some new comedy
show online, sort of a
send-up to that old Carl 'n'
Joey style we know and love.
Maybe they're hiring...)

Fish With Letter Icon

Urbane Lite

Thanks for your piece. You
should get out more though,
there are rural elite as
well. Vermont is above all
else now a yuppie theme-park,
crawling, or should I say
hiking, with these same
types. Only the geography
changes. Was hoping for a
bigger punch line!

Thanks again.

Daniel McDonald

Colchester, VT

Every week I hope for bigger
and bigger punch lines, and
sometimes they come, and
sometimes they don't. But you
see, the Urban Elite thing
was less a cartoon, more an
illustrated poem, in the
tradition of Dr. Seuss,
though admittedly far, far
less clever. Thus, the few
lines: "They're fit,
clean-shaven, filthy rich!
They're not like you and me!"
are more of a summary, or a
moral, than a punch line.
Now, in an ideal world, they
would be both. But only
William Shakespeare has
really mastered that one.
And, on occasion, The
But the Fish and
the Hack with goofy looks are
good enough for me.

Diving off the lowest board


Fish With Letter Icon


Your glancing blow at the
Spice Girls in today's Suck
brings up an important issue -
when will you set your
sights on the British once
and for all? Their dumping of
cultural detritus on our
shores cannot go forever
unchallenged, especially
since our own production of
what amounts to toxic
cultural waste (i.e., Dennis
Rodman movies) seems to be at
such an all-time high that we
can scarcely afford to accept
much more. Every bad cockney
accent and worse techno band
exacerbates the problem, and
I for one feel that time is
running out. I submit this
issue to your most earnest
consideration, dear

Yoel Inbar


We shall earnestly consider
your submission, Yoel. But
keep in mind that our pet
whipping boy, country-wise,
is Canada, along with
Canadians, and all things
Canadian. Once we run out of
funny things about Canada,
we'll get back to you. But
don't hold your breath. At
this point, all it takes is
to say the words "Canadian
bacon" and the entire Suck
office collapses into a fit
of laughter and can't
continue work for several
days thereafter. Adding
things British would only
decrease our productivity, if
that's even possible. God
knows Trainspotting
and The English Patient
set us back by a few

Fish With Letter Icon

Auteur, Auteur

Hickenlooper's film Some
Folks Call It a Sling Blade

Thornton wrote it and gave a
tour-de-force performance.
The link you gave shows you
knew that. So whaddayamean,
Thorton "largely ignored" it?

Beffuddled in Barcelona

Here's the skinny: Due to a
creative dispute in
postproduction (think:
"Where's my closeup?!"),
Thornton and Hickenlooper had
what can only mildly be
called a "falling out."
Though writers and directors
are often at loggerheads,
it's interesting that
Thornton's two admittedly
sour Hollywood relationships -
with Hickenlooper and One
False Move
director Carl
Franklin - have involved the
presumed "purity" of his
material. See the latest
issue of Creative
(v. 4, n. 1)
for more details.

Thanks for writing.


Fish With Letter Icon

The Stuff -- it's a list of stuff we like

Little link to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
A machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes