The Fish
for 14 April 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Harmful Additives

Finally a Suck contributor is
starting to channel the old
Carl 'n' Joey vibe. Halfway
through Harmful Additives I
decided I must be reading the
work of the Duke, but Lo, it
was you. Maybe the others
will catch on.

PF <>

Emission Media, Inc.
Launching Soon...
A daily comedy show in
From the creators of Spanq!

Why would we want to imitate
the old Carl 'n' Joey vibe,
when you've dedicated your
career to doing just that?

Speaking of which: Ingest.
Wow. But hey, we know how
hard it must be, sorting
through leftover domain names
for something fresh and new.
At least it's a verb, right?
And it's "from the creators
of Spanq!"... But ... are you
sure that's the best angle?

Fish With Letter Icon

The Shit List

Surely you can't be serious
about including Richard Ford
on your The Shit list. The
and Independence
were easily the two most
self-indulgent, inane, and
pointless works of recent
fiction that I've ever had
the displeasure of reading.
Why then did I read them both,
you may ask. I figured
something had to pick up
along the way to warrant the
"double" for Independence
I tried and tried to
like these books; however,
nothing could make me do it.

One would hope that you
Sucksters haven't decided
that you have anything in
common with Mr. Midlife
Crisis Sportswriter who
meanders through life feeling
sorry for himself and being
endlessly overintrospective.
A hot dog stand? Is that what
you hope to be doing in 15

I get the feeling that Ford
wrote the books exclusively
for the self-absorbed, smug
publishing crowd, hopefully
winking behind him all the
way, thinking, "I can't
believe they're buying into
this crap!" If he wasn't,
then something is very wrong

So what would I put in his
place on your list? How about
anything by Mark Leyner. Or
Robert Kaplan (not fiction
but much better reading

A disappointed longtime fan
(who DID get your April
Fools' joke, duh)

Look, Mr. Duh, if you were
really a longtime fan, you'd
know that we almost never
frown on the self-indulgent,
the inane, or the pointless.
Of course Independence Day
was horrible, but it was
horrible in a good, amusing
way. Get with it! You
probably don't watch Singled
or classic 90210 either.
Besides, the White House blew
up. That was cool.

And why is Ford somehow more
cool if he's snickering at
people buying his "crap"?
While we're the worst
perpetrators of the old
what-you-want trick with
mirrors, that doesn't make it
OK, OK? What if he honestly
thinks his books rock? What
the hell is wrong with a
little earnest mediocrity?
Without it, we'd be out of a
job. Hell, we'll probably out
of a job soon, regardless.

(But we're not worried. We
heard there's some new comedy
show online, sort of a
send-up to that old Carl 'n'
Joey style we know and love.
Maybe they're hiring...)

Fish With Letter Icon

Urbane Lite

Thanks for your piece. You
should get out more though,
there are rural elite as
well. Vermont is above all
else now a yuppie theme-park,
crawling, or should I say
hiking, with these same
types. Only the geography
changes. Was hoping for a
bigger punch line!

Thanks again.

Daniel McDonald

Colchester, VT

Every week I hope for bigger
and bigger punch lines, and
sometimes they come, and
sometimes they don't. But you
see, the Urban Elite thing
was less a cartoon, more an
illustrated poem, in the
tradition of Dr. Seuss,
though admittedly far, far
less clever. Thus, the few
lines: "They're fit,
clean-shaven, filthy rich!
They're not like you and me!"
are more of a summary, or a
moral, than a punch line.
Now, in an ideal world, they
would be both. But only
William Shakespeare has
really mastered that one.
And, on occasion, The
But the Fish and
the Hack with goofy looks are
good enough for me.

Diving off the lowest board


Fish With Letter Icon


Your glancing blow at the
Spice Girls in today's Suck
brings up an important issue -
when will you set your
sights on the British once
and for all? Their dumping of
cultural detritus on our
shores cannot go forever
unchallenged, especially
since our own production of
what amounts to toxic
cultural waste (i.e., Dennis
Rodman movies) seems to be at
such an all-time high that we
can scarcely afford to accept
much more. Every bad cockney
accent and worse techno band
exacerbates the problem, and
I for one feel that time is
running out. I submit this
issue to your most earnest
consideration, dear

Yoel Inbar


We shall earnestly consider
your submission, Yoel. But
keep in mind that our pet
whipping boy, country-wise,
is Canada, along with
Canadians, and all things
Canadian. Once we run out of
funny things about Canada,
we'll get back to you. But
don't hold your breath. At
this point, all it takes is
to say the words "Canadian
bacon" and the entire Suck
office collapses into a fit
of laughter and can't
continue work for several
days thereafter. Adding
things British would only
decrease our productivity, if
that's even possible. God
knows Trainspotting
and The English Patient
set us back by a few

Fish With Letter Icon

Auteur, Auteur

Hickenlooper's film Some
Folks Call It a Sling Blade

Thornton wrote it and gave a
tour-de-force performance.
The link you gave shows you
knew that. So whaddayamean,
Thorton "largely ignored" it?

Beffuddled in Barcelona

Here's the skinny: Due to a
creative dispute in
postproduction (think:
"Where's my closeup?!"),
Thornton and Hickenlooper had
what can only mildly be
called a "falling out."
Though writers and directors
are often at loggerheads,
it's interesting that
Thornton's two admittedly
sour Hollywood relationships -
with Hickenlooper and One
False Move
director Carl
Franklin - have involved the
presumed "purity" of his
material. See the latest
issue of Creative
(v. 4, n. 1)
for more details.

Thanks for writing.


Fish With Letter Icon

Good article. First thing's
first, the porn industry has
made some really funny
mock-ups-advertisements for
Hollywood films (have you
seen Interview with a Vamp?).
Secondly, Hollywood's
Oscar-time pandering shit
about "social conscience" in
their films is iconic
masturbation and total banal
crap. Hollywood has as much
social conscience as Disney,
and that is not saying much.
Where as Disney tries to be
subtle with its moral
subversion (remember the
"good teenagers" bit),
Hollywood is so blitheringly
obvious it makes me almost
embarrassed to be an American
(among other things).
"independent film" is, for
the most part, the more
pretentious and elitist
Hollywood film.

Where are all the real

Morgion de Cantinshire

Having just returned from the
LA independent film Festival,
it has become even clearer
that "Independent Film" is
the term for films that
either a) the studios aren't
stupid enough to produce, or
b) the studios are too stupid
to produce. Not a very
telling word.

But, while pretension and
elitism certainly chafe,
would you rather see movies
like Fargo and Secrets and
(or any/all Coen
Brothers or Mike Leigh films)
or watch Arnold
Schwarzenegger and Harrison
Ford tag-team their way to
becoming billionaires?

We're proud that in today's
Hollywood, we can choose All
of the Above.

Fish With Letter Icon

Jobs Suck

i found out about your site
because someone mentioned to
me that you had linked to one
of my pages - the one on the
omphalos - for your story
today. i read through your
site and like what you guys
do. so here's my question:
how do i get a job working at
suck? i'm graduating from
college in about two months,
have at least a year to do
whatever i want, and your
site looks likes fun. any
information you can give me
would be very appreciated.
thank you.


Great to hear from you! You
sound like the perfect job
candidate. We're always
looking for recent graduates
who're looking for a "fun"
job for a year - you know,
just to put off the "real
world" for a little while
longer! Forget a
résumé or
"formal" cover letter - we
linked to your site, what
more could we ask? Plus, you
went to Swarthmore, which not
only gives you a free job
ticket with us, no questions
asked (after all, you're
really smart, and probably
even grew up in Westchester
County!), but also gives you
license to ignore
capitalization entirely!

In fact, forget the "job" part
altogether - we'll just send
you a check just for being

P.S. If we knew how to keep a
job working at Suck, perhaps
we'd be a little more
encouraging. Oh well, there's
always Jackson Hole.

Fish With Letter Icon

South Park's Zeitgeist Posse

LeTeXan ... I noticed this is
the second time Suck writers have
used "Zeitgeist" in an
article recently..... Is this
a trendy word in your circle
or are you trying to give the
bar free advertising? If you
didn't know about the bar
it's at Duboce &
Valencia. Come in. Drink up.
Get out. That's the motto,
but the match-book covers say
"Warm beer & Cold Women."

Enjoy the Buzz....


Given Esquire's amusingly (if
not appallingly) belated
thumb-sucker on cocktail
culture, you might well think
our referencing the Zeitgeist
was a plug for the watering
hole of the same name. Sad to
say, we're actually even more
behind the times than that:
We were attempting to call to
mind the pretentious yet
heady days of Camus,
Existentialism, and the
Heroic Period of Abstract
Expressionism; in turn, those
poseurs used terms like
Zeitgeist in order to code to
each other their mild
sympathy for the proletariat,
thus calling to mind the
pretentious yet heady days of
New York in the 1930s, when
Partisan Review was actually
readable; in turn ... well,
you get the idea.


Fish With Letter Icon

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