The Fish
for 8 April 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


South Park's Zeitgeist Posse

LeTeXan ... I noticed this is
the second time Suck writers have
used "Zeitgeist" in an
article recently..... Is this
a trendy word in your circle
or are you trying to give the
bar free advertising? If you
didn't know about the bar
it's at Duboce &
Valencia. Come in. Drink up.
Get out. That's the motto,
but the match-book covers say
"Warm beer & Cold Women."

Enjoy the Buzz....


Given Esquire's amusingly (if
not appallingly) belated
thumb-sucker on cocktail
culture, you might well think
our referencing the Zeitgeist
was a plug for the watering
hole of the same name. Sad to
say, we're actually even more
behind the times than that:
We were attempting to call to
mind the pretentious yet
heady days of Camus,
Existentialism, and the
Heroic Period of Abstract
Expressionism; in turn, those
poseurs used terms like
Zeitgeist in order to code to
each other their mild
sympathy for the proletariat,
thus calling to mind the
pretentious yet heady days of
New York in the 1930s, when
Partisan Review was actually
readable; in turn ... well,
you get the idea.


Fish With Letter Icon

Writing in Tongues

Hey, what's the deal with all
the staff links including Mr.
Fowler and those listed below
him on the "Fish" page? It
seems that the links lead
only to a short burst of
question marks and crosses.
Odd list of credentials for
such an illustrious staff:
religious symbols and those
of ambiguity. I guess that
works. Just wondering,

-Sloan Fader

It's no secret that T. Jay
(or, as you call him, "Mr.
) was raised in a
cult. While this doesn't
explain the appearence of
"religious symbols and those
of ambiguity" in our staff
pages (Were they in the shape
of Jesus? Now, then we'd be
getting somewhere.), his
background has proven
incredably useful in
organizing our marketing
strategy, among other

Fish With Letter Icon

Agnostic Front

Hi there,

Literal allusion to Frankfurt
School philosophers on the
same page (but not, perhaps,
the same frame) as a Novell
ad? Is cyberspace the place
where one can fuck nuns AND
join the church at the same

Anyways, dug the piece, keep
up the good work, yada yada



We understand that entering
the cloister and the
cloistered is an accepted
practice in most religions,
Byron. Try the Yellow Pages.

Fish With Letter Icon


Dear Courtney:

Well, you know, I think both
you AND ol' Dan got a point.
First, I think you pretty
much gotta maintain your
eye-contact with what's
plunking your magic twanger,
so to speak, and go for it. I
know in my time, that's what
I've done and never-but-once
regretted it. So much for the
natural empathy for the
feminine POV.

The other side of the coin is
that I think a LOT of single
men feel the same way Dan
does. I'm sure many of them
do not chew tobacco, and
still can't get a date. They
go to work, get teased outta
their minds by the married
ladies and ignored by the
single ladies. This goes on
day after day, week after
week. Until like Dan, they
semi-snap, and want to talk
about it. And you know what?
The wonderful lady work
associate (or whatever) tunes
him out like he just
whispered the word leprosy.
Just like in your story.

Courtney, I wouldn't mind
hearing from you:

a) You find this predictably male
pity-party-attitude so much

b) My pithy remarks strike
home where the soul-mother
in you lives and thrives.

c) Hey, look, spare
me the pseudo Freud, that's
not the point I was trying to
make, you dodo!

d) None of the above

e) All of the above (I just
love it when they put
this one last in the list
behind 'd')

In case you think the
test-business above indicates
extreme youth, I am willing
to bet I'm older than you.
And just starving for female
attention (see 1st

Name Withheld to Protect a

Please, you're even more
pathetic and boring than Dan
is. Go find your jollies
somewhere else, kid. The last
thing a big-deal, super-sexy
sex columnist like me needs
is some extended virtual
flirtation with some horny
teenager who reads Salmon
with palpable craving.


(Editor's note: Try pandering
to the teen boys a little
more, honey.... You're
alienating our major demo.)

Fish With Letter Icon

Grilled Salmon

Hey Sucksters -

Your April Fool's Day edition
is HILARIOUS!!!!! I am
laughing my head off as I
type this. I regularly read
Suck and those other guys on
a daily basis, and so I think
this is THE perfect parody.
Great job, Suck - you stepped
up to the plate and hit a
home run!

Maria Maddaloni

Congratulations! You passed
the Suck Web
Savvy/Intelligence Test,
which places you in the top 5
percent of Suck readers (the
other 95 percent failed).

Fish With Letter Icon

.... If I want to know who had
sex with whom, or what's in
the panty drawer, I will go
to the If I want a
different view/opinion, I go
to Guess the paper
will be read even more now
with the passing of this
site. Much like the passing
of Tupak Shakur and the
Notorious B.I.G have faded in
and out of the lime-light, so
will Suck. Shame, shame,

Adios, Sucksters, it *really*

Cameron Deeb

Oof. That smarts, Cameron.
We're so ashamed.

Oh well. You're probably
better off reading the paper

Fish With Letter Icon

I turn my back for one second
and you stick beans up your
nose! Did you get tired of
being clever?

Alex V. Cook"

Yes! You have no idea how
tiring it is. But then, you
have no idea what "being
clever" is like at all, given
your message....

Fish With Letter Icon

OK, I may be an idiot but I
can't find that damn Beck
interview from Salmon 03/31.
I looked in the archive and
couldn't find a link to
anything related to Beck.

Please direct me to it. I'm
interviewing him Thursday, 3
April 1997, so I'm gathering
as much info as possible.

Matthew Blackett

If you're looking for good,
solid information on Beck,
look no further than Salmon!
But you're wrong, that link
is working - try clicking
harder next time.

On the other hand, you may be
an idiot. Luckily, Beck has a
soft spot for idiots, so your
interview should still go

Fish With Letter Icon

loved your article but the
only people who seem to get
laid on a regualr basis are
hookers and gays. It is so
much easier not having to
seduce someone. That is one
thing women should learn.
Like many gay men if they
find someone to do the grind
with they just do it and
forget the hangups. What
about that?

Have latex will travel!!!!!


You know, we've always told
our friends, forget this
romance bullshit - just find
someone to do the grind with
and forget the hang-ups. We
did it, and we're getting
laid as regularly as hookers
and gays now!

Fish With Letter Icon

The Unheimlich Maneuver

What is this? Is Suck turning
into some sort of literate
journal of post-ironic social
commentary? If I wanted to
read Freud (or read, PERIOD),
I'd go to class instead of
sitting here in my hovel
sucking on your Web site. I
really like looking at the
pictures, though. Bring back
the drivel!

Dan Sheetz

The drivel hasn't gone
anywhere, Mr. Sheetz, it's
just hiding out in a
post-ironic pseudo-academic
disguise to trick the kids
into thinking Suck is some
kind of high-minded journal
of critical thought. And
guess what - they seem to be
buying it!

Fish With Letter Icon

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