The Fish
for 4 April 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor



Dear Courtney:

Well, you know, I think both
you AND ol' Dan got a point.
First, I think you pretty
much gotta maintain your
eye-contact with what's
plunking your magic twanger,
so to speak, and go for it. I
know in my time, that's what
I've done and never-but-once
regretted it. So much for the
natural empathy for the
feminine POV.

The other side of the coin is
that I think a LOT of single
men feel the same way Dan
does. I'm sure many of them
do not chew tobacco, and
still can't get a date. They
go to work, get teased outta
their minds by the married
ladies and ignored by the
single ladies. This goes on
day after day, week after
week. Until like Dan, they
semi-snap, and want to talk
about it. And you know what?
The wonderful lady work
associate (or whatever) tunes
him out like he just
whispered the word leprosy.
Just like in your story.

Courtney, I wouldn't mind
hearing from you:

a) You find this predictably male
pity-party-attitude so much

b) My pithy remarks strike
home where the soul-mother
in you lives and thrives.

c) Hey, look, spare
me the pseudo Freud, that's
not the point I was trying to
make, you dodo!

d) None of the above

e) All of the above (I just
love it when they put
this one last in the list
behind 'd')

In case you think the
test-business above indicates
extreme youth, I am willing
to bet I'm older than you.
And just starving for female
attention (see 1st

Name Withheld to Protect a

Please, you're even more
pathetic and boring than Dan
is. Go find your jollies
somewhere else, kid. The last
thing a big-deal, super-sexy
sex columnist like me needs
is some extended virtual
flirtation with some horny
teenager who reads Salmon
with palpable craving.


(Editor's note: Try pandering
to the teen boys a little
more, honey.... You're
alienating our major demo.)

Fish With Letter Icon

Grilled Salmon

Hey Sucksters -

Your April Fool's Day edition
is HILARIOUS!!!!! I am
laughing my head off as I
type this. I regularly read
Suck and those other guys on
a daily basis, and so I think
this is THE perfect parody.
Great job, Suck - you stepped
up to the plate and hit a
home run!

Maria Maddaloni

Congratulations! You passed
the Suck Web
Savvy/Intelligence Test,
which places you in the top 5
percent of Suck readers (the
other 95 percent failed).

Fish With Letter Icon

.... If I want to know who had
sex with whom, or what's in
the panty drawer, I will go
to the If I want a
different view/opinion, I go
to Guess the paper
will be read even more now
with the passing of this
site. Much like the passing
of Tupak Shakur and the
Notorious B.I.G have faded in
and out of the lime-light, so
will Suck. Shame, shame,

Adios, Sucksters, it *really*

Cameron Deeb

Oof. That smarts, Cameron.
We're so ashamed.

Oh well. You're probably
better off reading the paper

Fish With Letter Icon

I turn my back for one second
and you stick beans up your
nose! Did you get tired of
being clever?

Alex V. Cook"

Yes! You have no idea how
tiring it is. But then, you
have no idea what "being
clever" is like at all, given
your message....

Fish With Letter Icon

OK, I may be an idiot but I
can't find that damn Beck
interview from Salmon 03/31.
I looked in the archive and
couldn't find a link to
anything related to Beck.

Please direct me to it. I'm
interviewing him Thursday, 3
April 1997, so I'm gathering
as much info as possible.

Matthew Blackett

If you're looking for good,
solid information on Beck,
look no further than Salmon!
But you're wrong, that link
is working - try clicking
harder next time.

On the other hand, you may be
an idiot. Luckily, Beck has a
soft spot for idiots, so your
interview should still go

Fish With Letter Icon

loved your article but the
only people who seem to get
laid on a regualr basis are
hookers and gays. It is so
much easier not having to
seduce someone. That is one
thing women should learn.
Like many gay men if they
find someone to do the grind
with they just do it and
forget the hangups. What
about that?

Have latex will travel!!!!!


You know, we've always told
our friends, forget this
romance bullshit - just find
someone to do the grind with
and forget the hang-ups. We
did it, and we're getting
laid as regularly as hookers
and gays now!

Fish With Letter Icon

The Unheimlich Maneuver

What is this? Is Suck turning
into some sort of literate
journal of post-ironic social
commentary? If I wanted to
read Freud (or read, PERIOD),
I'd go to class instead of
sitting here in my hovel
sucking on your Web site. I
really like looking at the
pictures, though. Bring back
the drivel!

Dan Sheetz

The drivel hasn't gone
anywhere, Mr. Sheetz, it's
just hiding out in a
post-ironic pseudo-academic
disguise to trick the kids
into thinking Suck is some
kind of high-minded journal
of critical thought. And
guess what - they seem to be
buying it!

Fish With Letter Icon

Heaven's Gate

I read on CNN that all of the
bodies were found wearing
brand new Nikes. The cult's
message? Just Do It. Even as
our rat race becomes a
lemming race, it's easy to
point and laugh at those who
commit mass suicide in the
name of hitching a ride on a
UFO. But in doing so, we are
ignoring the similarities in
philosophy behind our actions
as consumers and their
actions as religious freaks.
There was no UFO behind the
comet, and there are no
hidden muscles or latent
tendencies towards physical
fitness hidden in those
shoes. Just like the sheep
held within the walls of some
religious compound being
bombarded with promises of
the afterlife in return for
their dedication, we stare
into the TV screen, the
billboard, the glossy
magazine pages at the
ever-present "swooshtika." It
promises health, mental
clarity, physical attraction
- you name it (if you buy
it). Sure it won't kill us,
but tell that to some
12-year-old girl slaving in
an Indonesian sweat shop.

What goes around comes around?

Sean McCullough

Nice prose, Sean. What
excellent marketing by Nike,
don't you think, to get those
cult members in their shoes,
knowing that the ensuing
Internet-Doom-Cult media
fever would give them better
exposure than all their Human
Speed 12-Step Program
commercials put together?
You're growing, Sean. Can you
feel it? That's why you're

Fish With Letter Icon

Sucksters -

39 shrouds with 39 protruding
pairs of identical Nikes,
played incessantly on every
channel worldwide? You just
can't buy press like that.

I guess the job of encouraging
the terminally hip to just do
it gets a whole lot easier
when you can pitch it as
footwear for both this life
and the next. Air Jordan? I'm
waiting for Air Manson.


Jon Chester

Wake up, Jon. Of course you
can buy press like that - but
only Nike can afford it.
Where do you think they got
that styley pad, anyway -
Santa Claus?

And as for the rest of you who
haven't registered your
thoroughly original and
insightful opinions on the
Heaven's Gate-Nike
connection, please, send them

Fish With Letter Icon

Higher Source

You have probably found it by
now, but I think the Web site
of those guys who passed
beyond in California can be
found at:

Love your stuff.

Dennis Delay

You must think us
cold-hearted indeed to set
this fish loose within Suck's
copious barrel.

So what if you're right.

Watching MSNBC's coverage of
the events in San Diego last
night evoked in at least one
Suckster a perverse nostalgia
for the days when Suck
content was created on the
fly, cruising on a giddy
media high that was the
product of equal parts
cynicism and

We're just as cynical as we
ever were, just better
rested. You'll have to wait
'til next week for Suck to
comment on Higher Source.
Whether it'll be on their
cosmology or their HTML we
can't say, but.... Talk about
killer Web sites....

Fish With Letter Icon

Under Your Breadth

Was there a Suck on Wired
? After a friend noticed
my unfortunate purchase (for
a class no less), he
mentioned the New Yorker
article and Suck in the same
breath. I wasn't able to
discern from titles in the
Barrel if this particular
publication had been singled
out for abuse.

selena < >

Are you sure he didn't say
"That New Yorker article
sucked"? Hmm ... on par with
The New Yorker. We must be

I think the article to which
your friend refered is:
"Going in Style," by LeTeXan

Good luck with the bio-pic,

Fish With Letter Icon

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