The Fish
for 24 March 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Stick Your Head in To-Dos

Where were you guys? "And
their little fish, too"
didn't go over my head, but
everything else you wrote
did. Was the corporate
clampdown idea a joke, or
does it refer to something
that really happened? Did you
just oversleep and forget to
suck for awhile?

The "you can't catch me"
writing style sometimes takes
such an oblique trajectory
that it whizzes right over my
head. You told us why you
were offline, but it's still
a mystery to me.

Tom Erlewine

We forget a lot of things,
it's true - something about
"short- term memory loss," but
can't remember why it happens -
but we never "forget to
suck." We sucked long before
there was a Suck, and we'll
keep on sucking long after.

And as for our "can't catch
me" writing style ... well,
nanny, nanny boo-boo.

Fish With Letter Icon

What We Have Here ...

I subscribed to Suck just over
a week ago. When will you
deliver? Should I
resubscribe, should I just
.... wait ... by the
terminal, bloodshot eyes
weeping, staring at my
two-dimensional netgate?

What the hell is the point? I
email my vitals to you, and
you stap them!

Somebody give me a martini,
I'm being oppressed.


We stap people's vitals for
breakfast, Luis. Consider
yourself lucky that you don't
have to drink that martini
through a straw.

But that has nothing to do
with why In-Box Direct isn't
working. We'll get right on
it, and until then - waiting
by the terminal with
bloodshot eyes is how we
spend our days. At least you
have something to look
forward to.

Fish With Letter Icon

Suck Is Down

Hello. What happened to The
URL is not working.



God, aren't emoticons just a
wee bit passé? I mean,
maybe two years ago this was
fine. And maybe, just maybe,
a year ago you could've
squeaked by. But the damn
things are on TV now, guy!
What are you, some kind of
mainstream-loving sicko? Next
thing you know, you'll be
telling us that you still
actually surf the Web.
Please. Get with it.

Fish With Letter Icon

Isn't It Ironic

Subject: Irony versus Being a

Cheap irony is (he said
hopefully) dead. Proving that
you're hipper than thou by
raising an eyebrow or
throwing out a "whatever" is
the last resort of the
culturally challenged. It is
also a totally inadequate
substitute for humor, as any
random viewing of Saturday
Night Live
will easily prove.

Being a smartass, on the other
hand, lives. It requires you
to figure out what you don't
like, why you don't like it,
and to criticize it in a way
that is both brief and funny.

Sucksters, now ... well,
everybody's asking you, which
side are you on?

Alan Kornheiser
The Doctor Is IN

Alan, some subjects don't
warrant a careful examination
and critical analysis.
Furthermore, we think you may
be underestimating the beauty
of the well-placed

The "whatever" is a simple
recognition of the fact that
many, many subjects aren't
worthy of more than a sneer
and a glib aside. Also, it's
a breathtaking one-word
tribute to laziness. We're
lazy, Doctor, is that so

While we recognize that
alienation is hip at the
moment, rest assured that
most of us here are
definitely alienated, and
most definitely not hip.

Fish With Letter Icon

Reality Bites Back

As I understand it, working a
way-new-media job is supposed
to be enjoyable, relaxed, and
casual. I use those words
because I am far too relaxed
and casual to invent my own,
like you do.

It seems to me, though, that
writing for Suck is an
industrialistic office
position; the sort of thing
public schools condition
people my age to occupy. Why
does your rag adhere to such
a rigid schedule? Do you
support the hyperefficient
ideal that Covey and all
those people are capitalizing
on? Are you leashed to the

Wait ... perhaps not. Ah, I
see what is transpiring here.
You are secretly subverting
the wage-slavery ways and
attempting to provide
humorous, although
occasionally boring content
to lure the workingmen away
from their menial and
mind-numbing chores; to bring
about a way-new era of

Fauxx the Indiglo
Editor, Mongrel Magazine

Brian, we spent our youth
dreaming of industrialistic
office positions - just
because you don't have the
work ethic required, doesn't
mean you have to wipe your
lazy cooties all over us. We
adhere to a rigid schedule
because we're leashed to our
desks from 9 to 5 - what else
are we gonna do? We know The
Leash Policy is necessary,
and when the crack wagon
rolls around every day at 3
p.m., it's all worthwhile.
But of course, you don't know
a thing about self-discipline
or delaying gratification, do
you, you lazy mongrel?!


Fish With Letter Icon


I am an Equinox
representative. It is
apparent by your lack of
information that you never
attended a company overview.

If you put forth the effort
into Equinox, that you do
spreading these half truths
and innuendo, you would be an
IMD, sitting around doing
nothing instead of selling


That's what life is about,
after all: sitting around
doing nothing. Unfortunately,
I don't have the "effort"
(approx. US$5,000) to put
forth at this time. So I
guess I'll stick to my
current career in the
innuendo industry.


Fish With Letter Icon

NikeTown Crier

St. Huck.... Nike is against my
religion. My religion also
prevents me from buying a new
car, or ever living in a
tract home. This is a
religion of my own invention,
with one member, and no
services ... unless I'm at a
gas station.


Well, the Church of Nike is
pretty tempting, though. When
I went there, I almost bought
a hat. Luckily, they sort of
underemphasize the cash
registers there, so the
moment passed before I
actually was able to spot

So I'm still Nike-free too.

Thanks for writing,


Fish With Letter Icon

How do I stop this automated
mail. I don't want these suck
email no more. I am French
and Suck is too hard to read.


Well, I had heard plans about
foreign-language versions of
Suck, but ultimately I think
the decision was that French
was too hard to write.

To stop Suck, go to this page,
and follow the instructions


Fish With Letter Icon

Maureen Dowd

I just had to tell someone
about my all-consuming lust
for Maureen Dowd: I have an
all-consuming lust for
Maureen Dowd! When I read her
column I get a sensation like
cheap bourbon running down my
throat over my entire body!
There, I feel much better.


Darin Higashiguchi

P.S. I too admire Ann O'Tate.
Any woman who drops This is
Spinal Tap
references like
she does I would gladly marry
regardless of looks, weight,
odor, or debilitating
personality disorders.

Oh boy! We'll tell Ann the
good news - over the phone,
of course, since she's at
that combo fat farm/rehab
house for the next month. But
she'll be really happy, which
usually means she'll start
knocking her ugly head
against the wall and
screaming about Perry Como's
summer home for alien whores
or some such shit.... And
whenever she gets started on
Perry Como, she tends to give
off this horrible scent - the
nurses will have to deodorize
her room again. Maybe we
won't tell her.

Darin, anyone can rail off
Spinal Tap references. Try
basing your attraction on
less superficial things ...
like looks, weight, or odor,
for example. And forget
Maureen - why not just fetch
a bottle of cheap bourbon and
call it a date?

Fish With Letter Icon

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