The Fish
for 18 March 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


NikeTown Crier

St. Huck.... Nike is against my
religion. My religion also
prevents me from buying a new
car, or ever living in a
tract home. This is a
religion of my own invention,
with one member, and no
services ... unless I'm at a
gas station.


Well, the Church of Nike is
pretty tempting, though. When
I went there, I almost bought
a hat. Luckily, they sort of
underemphasize the cash
registers there, so the
moment passed before I
actually was able to spot

So I'm still Nike-free too.

Thanks for writing,


Fish With Letter Icon

How do I stop this automated
mail. I don't want these suck
email no more. I am French
and Suck is too hard to read.


Well, I had heard plans about
foreign-language versions of
Suck, but ultimately I think
the decision was that French
was too hard to write.

To stop Suck, go to this page,
and follow the instructions


Fish With Letter Icon

Maureen Dowd

I just had to tell someone
about my all-consuming lust
for Maureen Dowd: I have an
all-consuming lust for
Maureen Dowd! When I read her
column I get a sensation like
cheap bourbon running down my
throat over my entire body!
There, I feel much better.


Darin Higashiguchi

P.S. I too admire Ann O'Tate.
Any woman who drops This is
Spinal Tap
references like
she does I would gladly marry
regardless of looks, weight,
odor, or debilitating
personality disorders.

Oh boy! We'll tell Ann the
good news - over the phone,
of course, since she's at
that combo fat farm/rehab
house for the next month. But
she'll be really happy, which
usually means she'll start
knocking her ugly head
against the wall and
screaming about Perry Como's
summer home for alien whores
or some such shit.... And
whenever she gets started on
Perry Como, she tends to give
off this horrible scent - the
nurses will have to deodorize
her room again. Maybe we
won't tell her.

Darin, anyone can rail off
Spinal Tap references. Try
basing your attraction on
less superficial things ...
like looks, weight, or odor,
for example. And forget
Maureen - why not just fetch
a bottle of cheap bourbon and
call it a date?

Fish With Letter Icon

Frequent Flyers


I am a frequent visitor of
your site. I find it very
interesting and informative.
I particularly like the way
you are using your Web site
to deliver business value and
to improve service to your

I wonder if you are employing
any CGI applications on your
Web server to handle all the
traffic and its demands....
To overcome these issues, I
would like to draw your
attention to [Product]....

Thank you for taking your time
to read this mail. Do get in
touch with me if you need
further assistance.

Subbalakshmi DV
Assistant Manager - Marketing

Dear Subbalakshmi,

Thanks for the kind words -
we've always been firmly
committed to delivering
business value and improving
service to our customers. We
really enjoyed hearing from
you, and we feel like we're
overcoming a lot of "issues"
already! We liked your letter
so much, we frequently reread
it - you're so interesting
and informative! Do let us
know the next time you're in
town, and perhaps we can meet
for a drink.

Fish With Letter Icon


It's been brought to my
attention that you accused
Time of putting some random
sheep on the cover and
calling it Dolly. Did you
read the photo credit ("Dolly
photographed for Time by
Robert Wallis - SABA")? It
costs us a fortune to get
real news pictures, and here
you go making cheap sheep
jokes at our expense. Screw
ewe, Polly. (Just kidding. I
was flattered you bothered to
read the piece at all. Nice

Philip Elmer-DeWitt
Science Editor, Time

You were flattered that I
bothered to read it? Do most
people subscribe to Time
because it makes nice cat box

Anyway, sorry about the
mix-up. That cover sheep
didn't look like Dolly.
Besides, that collage of
sheep heads in the
background?! The sheep world
shared a minute of silent
horror, thanks to that one -
though it was, admittedly,
far more advanced than the
Newsweek babies-in-beakers
shock-value-add cover.

By the way, I agree with you
that "[s]uddenly the
possibility of cloning a new
human from a dictator's nose,
as in Woody Allen's Sleeper,
is no longer strictly in the
realm of fantasy." But
wouldn't you agree that, if
these techniques from
Sleeper work, then the
possibility of creating a
fully-functioning orgasmatron
will probably work, too?

Waiting in Joyful Hope,


Fish With Letter Icon

YAY!! One can never get too
many references to JC
It's the only New
Testament I know.

Andrew T. Bell

You're the only one who picked
up on that reference, as far
as I can tell. I spent a
decade learning the New
Testament at a Catholic
school, but the only thing I
remembered well were the
lyrics to Jesus Christ
That sure put an
interesting spin on things.
By sixth grade, I was asking
some pretty tough questions
about this so-called
immaculate conception.... And
once I threw out the reigning
view on that issue, I was
ready to throw out the rest
of my faith on principle -
not to mention the fact that
Catholicism becomes pretty
inconvenient past the age of

So you see, I owe a lot to
Jesus Christ (Superstar, that


Fish With Letter Icon

Shock It up to Experience


You constantly surprise and
titillate. Your writing
leaves me awe inspired. I
follow your writings in Suck
and Wired and I am
perpetually pleased by your
clever insightfulness and
no-nonsense philosophizing. I
am truly a fan, you give me
hope that "life in the modern
world" is not completely
drained of the kind of witty
cynicism you provide.



I told you to stop writing me
at work - you're not fooling
anyone and it doesn't help.
Just hit Reload a lot, OK?


Fish With Letter Icon

Though I normally find Suck
witty and entertaining, today
(11 March 1997) was brilliant: I
actually laughed out loud,
bringing to an end a hideous
social disease that has
plagued me since I was a
childhood guest on the Bozo
Show. Great job. Keep it

Dan Nawara <>

Thanks for the kind words. But
is the Bozo Show some kind of
showcase for children
afflicted by social diseases
that keep them from laughing?
If so, why the hell didn't we
know about it way back when?
We would've been huge!

Fish With Letter Icon

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