The Fish
for 14 March 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor



It's been brought to my
attention that you accused
Time of putting some random
sheep on the cover and
calling it Dolly. Did you
read the photo credit ("Dolly
photographed for Time by
Robert Wallis - SABA")? It
costs us a fortune to get
real news pictures, and here
you go making cheap sheep
jokes at our expense. Screw
ewe, Polly. (Just kidding. I
was flattered you bothered to
read the piece at all. Nice

Philip Elmer-DeWitt
Science Editor, Time

You were flattered that I
bothered to read it? Do most
people subscribe to Time
because it makes nice cat box

Anyway, sorry about the
mix-up. That cover sheep
didn't look like Dolly.
Besides, that collage of
sheep heads in the
background?! The sheep world
shared a minute of silent
horror, thanks to that one -
though it was, admittedly,
far more advanced than the
Newsweek babies-in-beakers
shock-value-add cover.

By the way, I agree with you
that "[s]uddenly the
possibility of cloning a new
human from a dictator's nose,
as in Woody Allen's Sleeper,
is no longer strictly in the
realm of fantasy." But
wouldn't you agree that, if
these techniques from
Sleeper work, then the
possibility of creating a
fully-functioning orgasmatron
will probably work, too?

Waiting in Joyful Hope,


Fish With Letter Icon

YAY!! One can never get too
many references to JC
It's the only New
Testament I know.

Andrew T. Bell

You're the only one who picked
up on that reference, as far
as I can tell. I spent a
decade learning the New
Testament at a Catholic
school, but the only thing I
remembered well were the
lyrics to Jesus Christ
That sure put an
interesting spin on things.
By sixth grade, I was asking
some pretty tough questions
about this so-called
immaculate conception.... And
once I threw out the reigning
view on that issue, I was
ready to throw out the rest
of my faith on principle -
not to mention the fact that
Catholicism becomes pretty
inconvenient past the age of

So you see, I owe a lot to
Jesus Christ (Superstar, that


Fish With Letter Icon

Shock It up to Experience


You constantly surprise and
titillate. Your writing
leaves me awe inspired. I
follow your writings in Suck
and Wired and I am
perpetually pleased by your
clever insightfulness and
no-nonsense philosophizing. I
am truly a fan, you give me
hope that "life in the modern
world" is not completely
drained of the kind of witty
cynicism you provide.



I told you to stop writing me
at work - you're not fooling
anyone and it doesn't help.
Just hit Reload a lot, OK?


Fish With Letter Icon

Though I normally find Suck
witty and entertaining, today
(11 March 1997) was brilliant: I
actually laughed out loud,
bringing to an end a hideous
social disease that has
plagued me since I was a
childhood guest on the Bozo
Show. Great job. Keep it

Dan Nawara <>

Thanks for the kind words. But
is the Bozo Show some kind of
showcase for children
afflicted by social diseases
that keep them from laughing?
If so, why the hell didn't we
know about it way back when?
We would've been huge!

Fish With Letter Icon

In Search of ... Sanrio


My name is Mariel Ortega, and
I'm from Mexico. I will go to
San Antonio, Texas, in the
next days and I want to know
where is the Sanrio Store in
this city. If you know where
is it please tell me, or if
you don't know please say
where can I search this
information. And please
answer me fast.

Sorry for the letter but my
English isn't very well.
Thank you again and see you


Granted, Mariel, we don't know
the first thing about Mexican
geography, but San Francisco
and San Antonio are pretty
far away from each other. And
while there is, in fact, a
Sanrio in San Francisco,
somehow we find it less
likely that there would be
one in San Antonio. We think
maybe you're a little too
wrapped up in prefix "San" and
suffix "-o".

Fish With Letter Icon

Capital Fame Tax

First decent Suck in quite a
while. I didn't know Ms.
Albright was a Jew. I have
heard that the Florida Orange
Juice Association offered
O.J. US$10 mil to change his
name to Snapple.

Dean Mc Adams

We keep getting similar
offers from porn sites - to
change our moniker, not for
$10 mil. Guess we give
sucking a bad name. For $10
mil, of course, we'd gladly
call ourselves O. J.

Fish With Letter Icon

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