The Fish
for 12 March 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Shock It up to Experience

Though I normally find Suck
witty and entertaining, today
(11 March 1997) was brilliant: I
actually laughed out loud,
bringing to an end a hideous
social disease that has
plagued me since I was a
childhood guest on the Bozo
Show. Great job. Keep it

Dan Nawara <>

Thanks for the kind words. But
is the Bozo Show some kind of
showcase for children
afflicted by social diseases
that keep them from laughing?
If so, why the hell didn't we
know about it way back when?
We would've been huge!

Fish With Letter Icon

In Search of ... Sanrio


My name is Mariel Ortega, and
I'm from Mexico. I will go to
San Antonio, Texas, in the
next days and I want to know
where is the Sanrio Store in
this city. If you know where
is it please tell me, or if
you don't know please say
where can I search this
information. And please
answer me fast.

Sorry for the letter but my
English isn't very well.
Thank you again and see you


Granted, Mariel, we don't know
the first thing about Mexican
geography, but San Francisco
and San Antonio are pretty
far away from each other. And
while there is, in fact, a
Sanrio in San Francisco,
somehow we find it less
likely that there would be
one in San Antonio. We think
maybe you're a little too
wrapped up in prefix "San" and
suffix "-o".

Fish With Letter Icon

Capital Fame Tax

First decent Suck in quite a
while. I didn't know Ms.
Albright was a Jew. I have
heard that the Florida Orange
Juice Association offered
O.J. US$10 mil to change his
name to Snapple.

Dean Mc Adams

We keep getting similar
offers from porn sites - to
change our moniker, not for
$10 mil. Guess we give
sucking a bad name. For $10
mil, of course, we'd gladly
call ourselves O. J.

Fish With Letter Icon

Wish We Could Help....

A bed, some rope, and a
cellular phone

Dr. Pinky

This is exactly the kind of
confusion those porn sites
are worried about....

Fish With Letter Icon

The Office Home

Fish With Letter Icon

Spanker Harder

Has no one at Suck or Flux
taken note of the irony that
Spanker, who once served
undeserved cease-and-desist
papers to the folks at
Spanq!, an AOL property, is
now relaxing his sphincter
for the "corporate
jellyfingers" themselves?

PF <>

Spanker's corporate probing
concerns us almost as much as
Rodman's hair color. Besides,
we're all still just birds in
cages... though some of us
are mockingbirds and others
are dodos....

Fish With Letter Icon

Demographics Demo

You guys are hilarious. That
is a bad thing, for me. The
computer-geek (or, I guess in
postmodernese, "neo-nrrd")
friends of mine have some
amount of hostility toward
anything Wired. Seeing as how
you, the Sucksters, generally
reside in the wallet of ...
well ... whomever it is at
Wired who pays you, it is
really bad for me, socially,
to read Suck.

And I have to wonder if I am
the sort to be reading you at
all. My last (and first)
letter was not published;
that leads me to believe that
background checks are made
beforehand. You are billed
(by some) as "class-specific
entertainment" or some such
phrase. How could you have
known that I lack a
disposable income? I'm not
sure I like the idea of being
observed by anyone that can
make witty comments about me.

And dammit, I'm an individual,
not a market! Grr!

Fauxx the Indiglo

Look, Fauxx. If you're never
observed by anyone who can
make witty comments about
you, you need some new
friends. But then, maybe your
friends are humorless because
they're suffering from
postmodernese - have they
tried antibiotics? Usually
that'll kick it, unless
they're actually full-fledged
indie-cred policemen. Just
remember that stopping
indie-cred police brutality
starts with you.

Anyway, your first letter
wasn't published, and we
weren't going to publish this
one, but then our latest data
indicated that you've
recently purchased some new
software, a high-priced
modern appliance, and some
premium liquor.
Congratulations! You just
squeaked into our lowest
category: Consumer Class C,
and, thus, you deserve to
have a voice - albeit an
itty-bitty, tiny, little

Fish With Letter Icon

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