The Fish
for 11 March 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Capital Fame Tax

First decent Suck in quite a
while. I didn't know Ms.
Albright was a Jew. I have
heard that the Florida Orange
Juice Association offered
O.J. US$10 mil to change his
name to Snapple.

Dean Mc Adams

We keep getting similar
offers from porn sites - to
change our moniker, not for
$10 mil. Guess we give
sucking a bad name. For $10
mil, of course, we'd gladly
call ourselves O. J.

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Wish We Could Help....

A bed, some rope, and a
cellular phone

Dr. Pinky

This is exactly the kind of
confusion those porn sites
are worried about....

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The Office Home

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Spanker Harder

Has no one at Suck or Flux
taken note of the irony that
Spanker, who once served
undeserved cease-and-desist
papers to the folks at
Spanq!, an AOL property, is
now relaxing his sphincter
for the "corporate
jellyfingers" themselves?

PF <>

Spanker's corporate probing
concerns us almost as much as
Rodman's hair color. Besides,
we're all still just birds in
cages... though some of us
are mockingbirds and others
are dodos....

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Demographics Demo

You guys are hilarious. That
is a bad thing, for me. The
computer-geek (or, I guess in
postmodernese, "neo-nrrd")
friends of mine have some
amount of hostility toward
anything Wired. Seeing as how
you, the Sucksters, generally
reside in the wallet of ...
well ... whomever it is at
Wired who pays you, it is
really bad for me, socially,
to read Suck.

And I have to wonder if I am
the sort to be reading you at
all. My last (and first)
letter was not published;
that leads me to believe that
background checks are made
beforehand. You are billed
(by some) as "class-specific
entertainment" or some such
phrase. How could you have
known that I lack a
disposable income? I'm not
sure I like the idea of being
observed by anyone that can
make witty comments about me.

And dammit, I'm an individual,
not a market! Grr!

Fauxx the Indiglo

Look, Fauxx. If you're never
observed by anyone who can
make witty comments about
you, you need some new
friends. But then, maybe your
friends are humorless because
they're suffering from
postmodernese - have they
tried antibiotics? Usually
that'll kick it, unless
they're actually full-fledged
indie-cred policemen. Just
remember that stopping
indie-cred police brutality
starts with you.

Anyway, your first letter
wasn't published, and we
weren't going to publish this
one, but then our latest data
indicated that you've
recently purchased some new
software, a high-priced
modern appliance, and some
premium liquor.
Congratulations! You just
squeaked into our lowest
category: Consumer Class C,
and, thus, you deserve to
have a voice - albeit an
itty-bitty, tiny, little

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Leave the Light on for You

Your little editorial message
on how innocent the whole
Lincoln Bedroom incidents
were has left me cold. For
the first time since I
started reading your prose,
Suck sucked.

Molly Ivins did this bit with
more pizazz and more insight
in an editorial yesterday,
and the whole bit about how
Clinton isn't really guilty
of anything rang just as
untrue then. I don't need one
more Clinton apologist in my
editorial mix, so I'd
appreciate it greatly if Suck
would stay out of that
particular growth industry.

John Williams

"Pizazz"? "Insight"? Jeez,
pal, who do you think we are?
If Molly Ivins writes a
column that's more glib than
Suck, then we start to worry.

I don't want to apologize for
Clinton - I think he's a
rube, not a felon. (Or at
least, not a felon because of
his sleepovers. I don't want
to make any blanket
statements that I'll be sorry
for....) There's a difference
between saying an action was
not-wrong-in-the-first place
and saying an action was
it's-bad. If you honestly
believe that thanking donors
is ethically wrong, then I've
got some Wired stock to sell

Ben Schmark

P.S. Well, of course we want
to leave you cold.

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Oblique Reference Challenge

Er, you did get the Howard
Stern reference in that last
("My lawyer, Dominick
Barbara"), didn't you?

Does missing a lowbrow
reference make one more or
less hip? Only the
discerning digerati would

Craig Demel

We're the undiscerning
undigerootia, Craig, don't
you know that? Do your hip
shopping elsewhere. If we
could bring our readers one
thing it would be this:
freedom from the oppression
of the hip. Or at least
freedom from the word "hip,"

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Ex Libris

The average American high
school graduate can't read,
so what will the use be for
libraries in the postliterate
21st century?

The question that haunts me is
that, as you point out, whole
cultures have been lost when
their libraries were
destroyed. Where will culture
be stored in a society that
doesn't have libraries? Or
are we headed for a society
that lacks culture

Ed Hiller


Libraries in a postliterate
21st century will probably be
like libraries in an
illiterate 11th century. A
bunch of oddly dressed
fanatics with funny haircuts
will copy books into
different languages while
doodling in the margins. I
suspect that without
libraries, culture will be
stored on DVD, which on the
plus side means that you'll
be able to rent culture from



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