The Fish
for 7 March 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Spanker Harder

Has no one at Suck or Flux
taken note of the irony that
Spanker, who once served
undeserved cease-and-desist
papers to the folks at
Spanq!, an AOL property, is
now relaxing his sphincter
for the "corporate
jellyfingers" themselves?

PF <>

Spanker's corporate probing
concerns us almost as much as
Rodman's hair color. Besides,
we're all still just birds in
cages... though some of us
are mockingbirds and others
are dodos....

Fish With Letter Icon

Demographics Demo

You guys are hilarious. That
is a bad thing, for me. The
computer-geek (or, I guess in
postmodernese, "neo-nrrd")
friends of mine have some
amount of hostility toward
anything Wired. Seeing as how
you, the Sucksters, generally
reside in the wallet of ...
well ... whomever it is at
Wired who pays you, it is
really bad for me, socially,
to read Suck.

And I have to wonder if I am
the sort to be reading you at
all. My last (and first)
letter was not published;
that leads me to believe that
background checks are made
beforehand. You are billed
(by some) as "class-specific
entertainment" or some such
phrase. How could you have
known that I lack a
disposable income? I'm not
sure I like the idea of being
observed by anyone that can
make witty comments about me.

And dammit, I'm an individual,
not a market! Grr!

Fauxx the Indiglo

Look, Fauxx. If you're never
observed by anyone who can
make witty comments about
you, you need some new
friends. But then, maybe your
friends are humorless because
they're suffering from
postmodernese - have they
tried antibiotics? Usually
that'll kick it, unless
they're actually full-fledged
indie-cred policemen. Just
remember that stopping
indie-cred police brutality
starts with you.

Anyway, your first letter
wasn't published, and we
weren't going to publish this
one, but then our latest data
indicated that you've
recently purchased some new
software, a high-priced
modern appliance, and some
premium liquor.
Congratulations! You just
squeaked into our lowest
category: Consumer Class C,
and, thus, you deserve to
have a voice - albeit an
itty-bitty, tiny, little

Fish With Letter Icon

Leave the Light on for You

Your little editorial message
on how innocent the whole
Lincoln Bedroom incidents
were has left me cold. For
the first time since I
started reading your prose,
Suck sucked.

Molly Ivins did this bit with
more pizazz and more insight
in an editorial yesterday,
and the whole bit about how
Clinton isn't really guilty
of anything rang just as
untrue then. I don't need one
more Clinton apologist in my
editorial mix, so I'd
appreciate it greatly if Suck
would stay out of that
particular growth industry.

John Williams

"Pizazz"? "Insight"? Jeez,
pal, who do you think we are?
If Molly Ivins writes a
column that's more glib than
Suck, then we start to worry.

I don't want to apologize for
Clinton - I think he's a
rube, not a felon. (Or at
least, not a felon because of
his sleepovers. I don't want
to make any blanket
statements that I'll be sorry
for....) There's a difference
between saying an action was
not-wrong-in-the-first place
and saying an action was
it's-bad. If you honestly
believe that thanking donors
is ethically wrong, then I've
got some Wired stock to sell

Ben Schmark

P.S. Well, of course we want
to leave you cold.

Fish With Letter Icon

Oblique Reference Challenge

Er, you did get the Howard
Stern reference in that last
("My lawyer, Dominick
Barbara"), didn't you?

Does missing a lowbrow
reference make one more or
less hip? Only the
discerning digerati would

Craig Demel

We're the undiscerning
undigerootia, Craig, don't
you know that? Do your hip
shopping elsewhere. If we
could bring our readers one
thing it would be this:
freedom from the oppression
of the hip. Or at least
freedom from the word "hip,"

Fish With Letter Icon

Ex Libris

The average American high
school graduate can't read,
so what will the use be for
libraries in the postliterate
21st century?

The question that haunts me is
that, as you point out, whole
cultures have been lost when
their libraries were
destroyed. Where will culture
be stored in a society that
doesn't have libraries? Or
are we headed for a society
that lacks culture

Ed Hiller


Libraries in a postliterate
21st century will probably be
like libraries in an
illiterate 11th century. A
bunch of oddly dressed
fanatics with funny haircuts
will copy books into
different languages while
doodling in the margins. I
suspect that without
libraries, culture will be
stored on DVD, which on the
plus side means that you'll
be able to rent culture from



Fish With Letter Icon

Long Time, No See

I seem to have had problems
for the last couple of weeks
but today the clouds
evaporated and we have an
interesting, understandable,
well-written column, the kind
my ancient mind was used to.
It must have been the hormone
shots that caused the
confusion. I know I am on
track again when I put the
dictionary on my lap and some
of the words mean what I
thought they meant.

Great-Uncle Bob

Always good to hear from you,
Uncle Bob. Sorry about the
lexicon slip-up - it just
takes drugs to write the
column, not to read it.

Fish With Letter Icon

Enema Vérité

Thanks again to Suck for your
good work and good links.

Huck, I dislike my practice of
assuming I know the meaning
of a word from context, and
yet again skipping the
dictionary work I should
really do. When I'm reading
some article in Harper's or the
Gettysburg Review with smarmy
little French phrases stuck
in there, that's another
story, and I feel superior
and think the author is being
a jerk. So...

I've always wondered how
authors get great words like
"bloviate" into their work?
Do you have the ability to
access these words from
memory or are reference works

Rich Engel

What memory?

Fish With Letter Icon

Condemned to Kill Time

Don't forget the King of All
Planners who went beyond work
and task planning to total
life organization out of the
binder: Stephen R. Covey. His
minions go nowhere without
"the organizer" that includes
their mission statement,
their life roles and goals,
the accumulated history of
all their ideas and dreams,
and time alloted to each one.

Think of the father that puts
his kids in for 15 minutes at
6:45 a.m. before he leaves
for work. Quality time for

Unless he happens to spend it
looking for the planner.

To quote from the catalog of
planners and calendar
inserts: "If you attend a
Covey Leadership Center
workshop, be prepared to come
away with an altered
paradigm. You'll see
opportunities where you once
saw only problems. You'll
begin to recognize the
greatness in others. And
you'll understand how you can
lead change wherever you are.
These workshops are more than
motivational - they are
results-oriented, measurable
investments in your future.
They represent a break with
old ineffective ways of
seeing things and the
beginning of a more holistic
and natural approach to real
life." That is, if you drink
the Kool-Aid and get on the
program with the

Day-Timers had no idea.

R. Pastor

Hmm... This little bit of
information should interest

Salt Lake City, Utah


January 22, 1997

Franklin Quest Co., a leading
provider of training seminars
and the creator of the
Franklin Day Planner, and
Covey Leadership Center, a
leadership consulting firm
whose products include books,
seminars, and corporate
training programs based on
the international best
seller, "The Seven Habits of
Highly Effective People,"
announced today the signing
of a letter of intent to

It's a conspiracy! We've got
to expose these people for
what they really are: tyrants
hell-bent on forcing their
hyperplanned, overly
organized views of the world
on the masses. So break the
habit! Up with Highly
Ineffective People!

Fish With Letter Icon


Hi there,

I'm writing you because I see
that you're doing business on
the net.

Most of our customers weren't
getting the results that they
anticipated when starting
their Web-Business. A lot of
this had to do with
Ineffective Advertising.

We Can Help.

We'll get your Website or
Product NOTICED. You will see

By God, if you so much as get
my Website or Product
DISCERNED, I'll slap a suit
on you so fast you'll wish
you were never born.
Furthermore, any outcomes,
consequences, upshots, or
effects - indeed, any results of
any kind - will likewise be
considered actionable by my

Have a nice day!


Fish With Letter Icon

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