The Fish
for 4 March 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Long Time, No See

I seem to have had problems
for the last couple of weeks
but today the clouds
evaporated and we have an
interesting, understandable,
well-written column, the kind
my ancient mind was used to.
It must have been the hormone
shots that caused the
confusion. I know I am on
track again when I put the
dictionary on my lap and some
of the words mean what I
thought they meant.

Great-Uncle Bob

Always good to hear from you,
Uncle Bob. Sorry about the
lexicon slip-up - it just
takes drugs to write the
column, not to read it.

Fish With Letter Icon

Enema Vérité

Thanks again to Suck for your
good work and good links.

Huck, I dislike my practice of
assuming I know the meaning
of a word from context, and
yet again skipping the
dictionary work I should
really do. When I'm reading
some article in Harper's or the
Gettysburg Review with smarmy
little French phrases stuck
in there, that's another
story, and I feel superior
and think the author is being
a jerk. So...

I've always wondered how
authors get great words like
"bloviate" into their work?
Do you have the ability to
access these words from
memory or are reference works

Rich Engel

What memory?

Fish With Letter Icon

Condemned to Kill Time

Don't forget the King of All
Planners who went beyond work
and task planning to total
life organization out of the
binder: Stephen R. Covey. His
minions go nowhere without
"the organizer" that includes
their mission statement,
their life roles and goals,
the accumulated history of
all their ideas and dreams,
and time alloted to each one.

Think of the father that puts
his kids in for 15 minutes at
6:45 a.m. before he leaves
for work. Quality time for

Unless he happens to spend it
looking for the planner.

To quote from the catalog of
planners and calendar
inserts: "If you attend a
Covey Leadership Center
workshop, be prepared to come
away with an altered
paradigm. You'll see
opportunities where you once
saw only problems. You'll
begin to recognize the
greatness in others. And
you'll understand how you can
lead change wherever you are.
These workshops are more than
motivational - they are
results-oriented, measurable
investments in your future.
They represent a break with
old ineffective ways of
seeing things and the
beginning of a more holistic
and natural approach to real
life." That is, if you drink
the Kool-Aid and get on the
program with the

Day-Timers had no idea.

R. Pastor

Hmm... This little bit of
information should interest

Salt Lake City, Utah


January 22, 1997

Franklin Quest Co., a leading
provider of training seminars
and the creator of the
Franklin Day Planner, and
Covey Leadership Center, a
leadership consulting firm
whose products include books,
seminars, and corporate
training programs based on
the international best
seller, "The Seven Habits of
Highly Effective People,"
announced today the signing
of a letter of intent to

It's a conspiracy! We've got
to expose these people for
what they really are: tyrants
hell-bent on forcing their
hyperplanned, overly
organized views of the world
on the masses. So break the
habit! Up with Highly
Ineffective People!

Fish With Letter Icon


Hi there,

I'm writing you because I see
that you're doing business on
the net.

Most of our customers weren't
getting the results that they
anticipated when starting
their Web-Business. A lot of
this had to do with
Ineffective Advertising.

We Can Help.

We'll get your Website or
Product NOTICED. You will see

By God, if you so much as get
my Website or Product
DISCERNED, I'll slap a suit
on you so fast you'll wish
you were never born.
Furthermore, any outcomes,
consequences, upshots, or
effects - indeed, any results of
any kind - will likewise be
considered actionable by my

Have a nice day!


Fish With Letter Icon

Enema Vérité

In all its intellectual
paranoia, postmodernist
philosophers always seems to
think that everyone in the
world subscribes to the same
values they do. Somehow it is
forgotten that there are
people who don't spend all
their time watching Real TV
and reading Suck (very much
the same car-crash
entertainment idea, by the
way... but now I'm starting
to think like you guys), that
there are still people living
Second Wave and First Wave
lifestyles, who actually have
to fight on a day-by-day
basis for survival, and that
these people will continue to
live as they do because
without their foundation the
House of the Third Wave could
not be.

It's sad, but at the very
least, there's always (or at
least until we all become
Illuminated) going to be
people who are poor enough to
have to steal TVs and rob
convenience stores to pay
their cable bills - these
will provide plenty of camera
fodder for Real TV to
exploit. Similarly, there's
for the same time-frame going
to be Clueless Newbies on the
net for you to exploit, and
Really Dumb Corporations to
poke fun at.

I didn't think Sucksters were
susceptible to the same
paranoia about a steady
paycheck the rest of the
workplace was. You guys
shouldn't worry about your
job so much. Hydrogen and
stupidity aren't going away.


Valis Luminoso

Hmm... We're fascinated by
your perception that the act
of discussing Real TV or Suck
somehow necessitates complete
ignorance of the fact that
there are those who have to
fight for survival.

But are you quite sure that
becoming Illuminated, or
achieving enlightenment, will
keep people from stealing TVs
and robbing convenience
stores? We're pretty sure a
little paranoia about a
steady paycheck would do the
job a lot faster.

Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: Polly is a cracker

Friends, loved the whole hot
double-team action
this week. Sure is good to
see new media's very own
Osmond Family still alive and
sucking out there on golden
pond. Keep those respirators

Oh! Hey, how's that next Wired
Ventures IPO coming along? I
want my stake in the future!

God Bless,

Spanker <>

Oh man! New media's Osmond
Family! I guess you fancy
yourself new media's Chavez.
We were thinking you're more
along the lines of Oasis.
That Liam Gallagher sure is a
rebel, though, isn't he just?

But, gosh, Spanky, that was
really mean, what you said
about the Wired IPO! We're
all really itchy under the
collar over that one, what
with the major cash we were
gonna rake in...

Rest assured that we gave up
on ye olde get-rich-quick
long, long ago - but you can
certainly give it a college
try! Spank it hard, boy! And
when our sand castle slides
into the sea, at least we'll
have the comfort in knowing
that we paved the way for
quality operations like

Sucking Face On Golden Pond,


Fish With Letter Icon

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