The Fish
for 3 March 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Condemned to Kill Time

Don't forget the King of All
Planners who went beyond work
and task planning to total
life organization out of the
binder: Stephen R. Covey. His
minions go nowhere without
"the organizer" that includes
their mission statement,
their life roles and goals,
the accumulated history of
all their ideas and dreams,
and time alloted to each one.

Think of the father that puts
his kids in for 15 minutes at
6:45 a.m. before he leaves
for work. Quality time for

Unless he happens to spend it
looking for the planner.

To quote from the catalog of
planners and calendar
inserts: "If you attend a
Covey Leadership Center
workshop, be prepared to come
away with an altered
paradigm. You'll see
opportunities where you once
saw only problems. You'll
begin to recognize the
greatness in others. And
you'll understand how you can
lead change wherever you are.
These workshops are more than
motivational - they are
results-oriented, measurable
investments in your future.
They represent a break with
old ineffective ways of
seeing things and the
beginning of a more holistic
and natural approach to real
life." That is, if you drink
the Kool-Aid and get on the
program with the

Day-Timers had no idea.

R. Pastor

Hmm... This little bit of
information should interest

Salt Lake City, Utah


January 22, 1997

Franklin Quest Co., a leading
provider of training seminars
and the creator of the
Franklin Day Planner, and
Covey Leadership Center, a
leadership consulting firm
whose products include books,
seminars, and corporate
training programs based on
the international best
seller, "The Seven Habits of
Highly Effective People,"
announced today the signing
of a letter of intent to

It's a conspiracy! We've got
to expose these people for
what they really are: tyrants
hell-bent on forcing their
hyperplanned, overly
organized views of the world
on the masses. So break the
habit! Up with Highly
Ineffective People!

Fish With Letter Icon


Hi there,

I'm writing you because I see
that you're doing business on
the net.

Most of our customers weren't
getting the results that they
anticipated when starting
their Web-Business. A lot of
this had to do with
Ineffective Advertising.

We Can Help.

We'll get your Website or
Product NOTICED. You will see

By God, if you so much as get
my Website or Product
DISCERNED, I'll slap a suit
on you so fast you'll wish
you were never born.
Furthermore, any outcomes,
consequences, upshots, or
effects - indeed, any results of
any kind - will likewise be
considered actionable by my

Have a nice day!


Fish With Letter Icon

Enema Vérité

In all its intellectual
paranoia, postmodernist
philosophers always seems to
think that everyone in the
world subscribes to the same
values they do. Somehow it is
forgotten that there are
people who don't spend all
their time watching Real TV
and reading Suck (very much
the same car-crash
entertainment idea, by the
way... but now I'm starting
to think like you guys), that
there are still people living
Second Wave and First Wave
lifestyles, who actually have
to fight on a day-by-day
basis for survival, and that
these people will continue to
live as they do because
without their foundation the
House of the Third Wave could
not be.

It's sad, but at the very
least, there's always (or at
least until we all become
Illuminated) going to be
people who are poor enough to
have to steal TVs and rob
convenience stores to pay
their cable bills - these
will provide plenty of camera
fodder for Real TV to
exploit. Similarly, there's
for the same time-frame going
to be Clueless Newbies on the
net for you to exploit, and
Really Dumb Corporations to
poke fun at.

I didn't think Sucksters were
susceptible to the same
paranoia about a steady
paycheck the rest of the
workplace was. You guys
shouldn't worry about your
job so much. Hydrogen and
stupidity aren't going away.


Valis Luminoso

Hmm... We're fascinated by
your perception that the act
of discussing Real TV or Suck
somehow necessitates complete
ignorance of the fact that
there are those who have to
fight for survival.

But are you quite sure that
becoming Illuminated, or
achieving enlightenment, will
keep people from stealing TVs
and robbing convenience
stores? We're pretty sure a
little paranoia about a
steady paycheck would do the
job a lot faster.

Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: Polly is a cracker

Friends, loved the whole hot
double-team action
this week. Sure is good to
see new media's very own
Osmond Family still alive and
sucking out there on golden
pond. Keep those respirators

Oh! Hey, how's that next Wired
Ventures IPO coming along? I
want my stake in the future!

God Bless,

Spanker <>

Oh man! New media's Osmond
Family! I guess you fancy
yourself new media's Chavez.
We were thinking you're more
along the lines of Oasis.
That Liam Gallagher sure is a
rebel, though, isn't he just?

But, gosh, Spanky, that was
really mean, what you said
about the Wired IPO! We're
all really itchy under the
collar over that one, what
with the major cash we were
gonna rake in...

Rest assured that we gave up
on ye olde get-rich-quick
long, long ago - but you can
certainly give it a college
try! Spank it hard, boy! And
when our sand castle slides
into the sea, at least we'll
have the comfort in knowing
that we paved the way for
quality operations like

Sucking Face On Golden Pond,


Fish With Letter Icon

I greatly enjoyed this week's
Filler (as usual), and I
was especially gladdened to
see the return of The Fish in
one of Terry's comic strips.
One question though: Where's
his gun? Is this a new
"kinder, gentler" Fish for
1997? Or is it the first step
in the UN's long-rumored plan
to disarm all Americans,
paving the way for their New
World Order?

Alarmed and concerned,

Joel Pratt <>

He doesn't bring his gun to
editorial meetings anymore,
what with that unsettling
little situation of a few
months ago. So don't be
alarmed or concerned - no
order, new or otherwise, will
ever reign in the world of
Fish and Hack.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, I really would like to
commend you on your articles,
I guess you can call them
that. I think they are just
what a person of genius,
including but not limited to
me, is looking for after
another pointless day of
mind-wasting schooling.

Thank You.

Mark Atalla

I have to commend you on your
note, I guess you could call
it that. It's just what a
person of genius, including
and limited to me, is looking
for after another pointless
day of writing mind-wasting
copy. Or maybe just drinking
bad-tasting coffee.



Fish With Letter Icon

InBox Direct

Yesterday I subscribed to have
Suck home-delivered. It was
not. Usually, this would not
be an issue (as usually I do
not subscribe to have Suck
home-delivered). In these
times of litigiousness,
however, there is great cause
for complaint.

While keying in your URL, I
had a violent flare-up of
carpal tunnel syndrome.
Screaming in pain like a Boy
Scout at Jeffrey Dahmer's, I
watched the page load. The
combination of glitzy text
and bedazzling graphics in
one of your adverts (which I
was told later was for The
Palace) triggered an
epileptic seizure in severity
close only to what Netly News
contributors must go through
upon each day's perusal of
your periodical.

My manager, an arthritic and
rabid Joe Cocker fan, thought
I was poking fun at him and
fired me (only after slapping
me in the groin).

My pain, loss and
disappointment is mitigated
only by my desire to sue.
Suck, The Palace and my
former management will all be
hearing from my lawyer,
Dominick Barbara, Esq.

Keep up the good work, and see
you in hell -

Steve McNally

Okay, Steve, you wanna play
hardball, do ya? Our horror
at your threatening letter
was mitigated only by our
desire to blackmail and
countersue. So we used your
email address alone to find
out all kinds of very
interesting information on
you that we're quite sure
your employer would find,
well, less than savory.

You'll be hearing from our
attorney, F. Lee Bailey, of
"his [Bailey's opponent's]
family needs to know some
pain" fame.

See you in hell and in court -

The Sucksters

Fish With Letter Icon

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