The Fish
for 28 February 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay (the man) Fowler
T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch



Subject: Polly is a cracker

Friends, loved the whole hot
double-team action
this week. Sure is good to
see new media's very own
Osmond Family still alive and
sucking out there on golden
pond. Keep those respirators

Oh! Hey, how's that next Wired
Ventures IPO coming along? I
want my stake in the future!

God Bless,

Spanker <>

Oh man! New media's Osmond
Family! I guess you fancy
yourself new media's Chavez.
We were thinking you're more
along the lines of Oasis.
That Liam Gallagher sure is a
rebel, though, isn't he just?

But, gosh, Spanky, that was
really mean, what you said
about the Wired IPO! We're
all really itchy under the
collar over that one, what
with the major cash we were
gonna rake in...

Rest assured that we gave up
on ye olde get-rich-quick
long, long ago - but you can
certainly give it a college
try! Spank it hard, boy! And
when our sand castle slides
into the sea, at least we'll
have the comfort in knowing
that we paved the way for
quality operations like

Sucking Face On Golden Pond,


Fish With Letter Icon

I greatly enjoyed this week's
Filler (as usual), and I
was especially gladdened to
see the return of The Fish in
one of Terry's comic strips.
One question though: Where's
his gun? Is this a new
"kinder, gentler" Fish for
1997? Or is it the first step
in the UN's long-rumored plan
to disarm all Americans,
paving the way for their New
World Order?

Alarmed and concerned,

Joel Pratt <>

He doesn't bring his gun to
editorial meetings anymore,
what with that unsettling
little situation of a few
months ago. So don't be
alarmed or concerned - no
order, new or otherwise, will
ever reign in the world of
Fish and Hack.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, I really would like to
commend you on your articles,
I guess you can call them
that. I think they are just
what a person of genius,
including but not limited to
me, is looking for after
another pointless day of
mind-wasting schooling.

Thank You.

Mark Atalla

I have to commend you on your
note, I guess you could call
it that. It's just what a
person of genius, including
and limited to me, is looking
for after another pointless
day of writing mind-wasting
copy. Or maybe just drinking
bad-tasting coffee.



Fish With Letter Icon

InBox Direct

Yesterday I subscribed to have
Suck home-delivered. It was
not. Usually, this would not
be an issue (as usually I do
not subscribe to have Suck
home-delivered). In these
times of litigiousness,
however, there is great cause
for complaint.

While keying in your URL, I
had a violent flare-up of
carpal tunnel syndrome.
Screaming in pain like a Boy
Scout at Jeffrey Dahmer's, I
watched the page load. The
combination of glitzy text
and bedazzling graphics in
one of your adverts (which I
was told later was for The
Palace) triggered an
epileptic seizure in severity
close only to what Netly News
contributors must go through
upon each day's perusal of
your periodical.

My manager, an arthritic and
rabid Joe Cocker fan, thought
I was poking fun at him and
fired me (only after slapping
me in the groin).

My pain, loss and
disappointment is mitigated
only by my desire to sue.
Suck, The Palace and my
former management will all be
hearing from my lawyer,
Dominick Barbara, Esq.

Keep up the good work, and see
you in hell -

Steve McNally

Okay, Steve, you wanna play
hardball, do ya? Our horror
at your threatening letter
was mitigated only by our
desire to blackmail and
countersue. So we used your
email address alone to find
out all kinds of very
interesting information on
you that we're quite sure
your employer would find,
well, less than savory.

You'll be hearing from our
attorney, F. Lee Bailey, of
"his [Bailey's opponent's]
family needs to know some
pain" fame.

See you in hell and in court -

The Sucksters

Fish With Letter Icon

Thanks for Playing


Do you like to play games? No,
not those kinds of games! You
know, PC or video games. If
the answer is absolutely,
sometimes or even just maybe,
then you'll want to check out
GameSpot and VideoGameSpot.
These are the hottest, and
most fun sites on the Web for
information about PC and
video games, bar none! (They
are so good, they are now
serving as the Games Channel
on ZDNet!) ...

Dear Z.D. Net,

Thanks for submitting your
piece for publication at
Suck. We like your basic
premise, and we especially
like your use of the words
"hottest" and "fun" - though,
shouldn't that be "funnest"?
At any rate, your lead needs
some serious work. Do a
little editing, pick out a
zingier opener, and then send
it back our way, you know,
when it's done.

Fish With Letter Icon

Breaking News

Excellent synopsis of what is
going on in the media world.
And it was nice and short!
What you failed to mention
was that the media is finding
out that old-school
demographics are going the
way of the dodo bird and that
people are not as homogenized
as they once thought and in
the 90's where the rush is on
to create consumer crazes
(and no, bell-bottoms and
earth tones were never cool),
at the same time, you create
more niches for the news to
cover. Since there is so
little real news, i.e. in the
dramatic vein of a TWA flight
exploding and lord knows the
media would like to have more
of that, and since today's
viewer of media doesn't want
to see 10-Qs just released or
the latest gold prices, they
have to tell you all the
irrelevant information that
is simple and easy to digest
and gives the receiver of the
information the "perception"
of being "informed" when
really all that's happening
is that the media is just
desperate to shove something
down your throat; taking a
cue from the pharmaceutical
industry, candy-coat
something and the recipient
is much more likely to not
only take what is offered,
but repeat the behavior as
much as necessary....

"There are three things the
public will always clamor for
sooner or later, namely,
novelty, novelty, novelty." -
Thomas Hood, 1799-1845.

Brad Bikadi

Thanks for writing, Brad, but
please keep in mind, there
are three things the editor
will always clamor for sooner
or later, namely, period,
period, period. Period.

Fish With Letter Icon

InBox Direct


So if I'm reduced to a Stephen
Hawking-esque state, unable
to type the word 'suck' into
my browser, I can still get
my daily hit? Wonderful...
did you learn these things
from the drug dealers who
loiter outside school gates
for those kids too lazy to
seek them out at lunchtime?

It sucks, really. Don't rob me
of the ritual with which I
christen each morning's new
Netscape window. Jesus.

"A letter always arrives at
its destination." - Jacques

Nick Sweeney <>

We're always happy to be a
part of some ritual, but
we've also been outspoken
advocates for the lazy for
years now. And, while you
might not always arrive at
our destination, a letter
from Suck always arrives at
its destination.

But then, maybe we've spoken
to soon...

Fish With Letter Icon

Going in Style

"...if the evolution of
language were..."

Ah, a refined language ear.
Nice piece. I'll look into
Ms. Manners on your


Bruce MacEvoy

Cheers, Bruce, you're too
kind! Actually, for a while I
toyed with opening a Poetry
Repair shop - you know,
Sentence Balancing and
Alignment, Cadences Smoothed
While-U-Wait, the works - but
realized I'd have way too
much work on my hands. When
would I have time to write
for Suck?


Fish With Letter Icon

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