for 20 February 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 


Joey Anuff
Producer

 


Terry Colon
Art Director

 


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor

 


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor










 


Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 


Sean Welch
Suckgineer


 

On Suck

Dear Sucksters,

Hoo, have you taken
AltaVista's new LiveTopics
search engine tool out for a
spin yet? I'm not sure it's
working right. I used it to
help me fashion the following
query:

+host:suck +crack +addled
+hype -courtesy -credibility

but it couldn't find a durn
thing.

Steven M. O'Neill
<steveo@panix.co>m

Nice! Try this one instead:

+host:suck +smartass
+brilliant +insight
-stupidity -boredom 

It doesn't work either! Durn
thing must be broken.

 
 

Mouseburger Royale

Regarding the new editor of
Cosmo - so what's your
problem with Canadians,
"former" or otherwise? It's
not clear how her birthplace
affects her ability to do the
job!

Laurel Bowman
<lbowman@uvic.ca>

If we knew the answer to that
one, we wouldn't be writing
for this bullshit website,
we'd be award-winning
anthropologists!

 
 

Filler Archives

Why can't I get at the Filler
archives
beyond December?
There are links for it all
over... and they don't
resolve! I want my Filler! I like my
Filler!

Sebastian Hassinger
<singe@outer.net>

Filler since December is
archived on the Daily
Archive
, which is accessed
through the Barrel page.
Soon, there will also be a
complete Filler Archive.
(Please note: the definition
of "soon" is taken from the
production editor's Manual of
Terms
: adv., referring to
"whenever I have time to get
to it.")

 
 

Microsoft Ads

Hey, I've got an idea! How
about you adjust your frames
so you can devote HALF of
your web page to Microsoft
ads?

Eric Maika <maikae@inac.gc.ca>

Great idea, Eric! This one
ranks up there with Canadian
bacon, without which
pineapple pizza just wouldn't
be the same. We thank you!

 
 

Take A Pill

I can't really remember the
actor (I've been told he
became famous), who used to
be on the "Not Really
Saturday Night Live" program
"Fridays." He played a
pharmacist who regularly fell
to the floor in a chemically
induced stupor telling each
customer the cure for their
(individual) problems was
always, "..take a pill!" Who
cares what, just take some
fuckitall.

Your reference to drug
companies in Ad Age is
something I've been musing
about for a long time. We've
had those "tiny time pills",
animated, choreographed and
named directly by the make
for years. More recently,
yes, "Rogaine" has gained
attention ("If you're losing
or hair or just worried about
becoming some asshole who
might be losing his/her hair
and every last chance of
getting laid, even by your
spouse, buy our stuff...it
sometimes works!") Many other
drug companies are
advertising specific drugs,
("Do you take Xzkgrizbiznol?
Call your doctor and see if
our drug is better for
you?"), without ever
mentioning just what the fuck
you're supposed to take them
for. Now, a newer version is
the ad that simply says, "We
make drugs. Fine drugs.
Exclusive drugs... you'll
have to be invited to take
some. See your doctor for a
prescription." What drugs?
For what condition? Who cares
that you're perfectly
healthy? See your doctor,
"take a pilllll....!" Join
the Club! Bet you get laid!

J.C. Gordon

Where do we sign up?

 
 

Gelid Grousing

Hey, Huckster

Bonnie Fuller's a "former
Canadian
"? You mean they
found a cure? We'll all be
real glad to hear that, eh.
So will we still be able to
play hockey?

Ciao,

Rob Gordon
<rob.gordon@sd72.bc.ca>

Well, I don't know if you
could call it a cure - but if
you move to the U.S. and get
a high-profile media
position, it seems to
eliminate most outwardly
Canadian behavior.

Today, for example, I was
surprised to learn that Jim
Carrey grew up in a tent in
the Ontario wilderness. To
reach his level of
"creativity," I would have
thought that long childhood
exposure to American levels
of TV was a requirement.

By the way, who said Canadians
could play hockey? Didn't
some team from Denver with
the Stanley Cup this year?

Regards,

Huck

 
 

Regarding the February 5 Suck
(so, I'm a bit behind in my
reading) - thank you for the
first real laugh (out loud,
went on for several minutes)
I've had since New Year's. I
am enormously grateful for
anything that makes me forget
Toronto in February.

Liza Herz <lizah@interlog.com>

We understand that if you
work at Cosmo, you forget
Toronto entirely.

 
 

HA HA HA HA HA.

Since I myself have
experienced all of the above
in my own experiences with
the opposite sex, I can
relate. Actually, there were
many arguments... errr...
discussions that could have
been scripted out of How to
Grind Your Relationship to a
Screeching Halt in Six Weeks
.

And by the way, not all New
York schlemielmeisters have
hair so deep on their backs
that you could use a
lawnmower to cut it. Really.

I can see that the "nice guy"
isn't covered anywhere. Does
that mean that all nice guys
are really masking themselves
as a cross between a "guy's
guy" and "insecure man"?
Please tell. I have always
wondered who married the
truly genuine, harmless guy
who lacks any specific
"flair" in his personality,
but may actually be
emotionally stable.

Darren Reinig
<dreinig@ucsd.edu>

p.s. Most bitter people are
not as funny as you. Why is
that?

Unfortunately, most bitter
people don't have an editor.

 
 

Words, Words, Words

What's with these lugubrious
sorts who reject the lucidity
of your contributors? I'm
somewhat surprised no one
included Hippocrates' quote -
"The chief virtue that
language can have is
clearness, and nothing
detracts from it so much as
the use of unfamiliar words."

George Orwell said that "the
purpose of Newspeak... is to
make all other modes of
thought impossible." Here we
have it. Sesquipedalians
everywhere rejoice!

Brenda Stacy-George
<brencat@inland.net>

Um... What?

 
 

Bombs, Bombs, Bombs

If you had three atomic bombs,
where would you drop them?

Sean McCullough
<bankshot@nmt.edu >

We'd drop all three on your
house, you sick fuck.

 
 

Pop a Childproof Gap on Your
Ass

That is about the most true
thing I have read in quite a
while, thank you for placing
it here for people like me to
read. My name is Teddy
Thanks.

Mr. Thanks,

"Suck: The most truth money
can buy" was actually bandied
about as a potential Suck
catchphrase, but we decided
against it once we discovered
that dealing in half-truths
was all the market could
bear.

Lovingly,

Ann O'Tate