for 18 February 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Carl Steadman


Sean Welch


Gelid Grousing

Hey, Huckster

Bonnie Fuller's a "former
"? You mean they
found a cure? We'll all be
real glad to hear that, eh.
So will we still be able to
play hockey?


Rob Gordon

Well, I don't know if you
could call it a cure - but if
you move to the U.S. and get
a high-profile media
position, it seems to
eliminate most outwardly
Canadian behavior.

Today, for example, I was
surprised to learn that Jim
Carrey grew up in a tent in
the Ontario wilderness. To
reach his level of
"creativity," I would have
thought that long childhood
exposure to American levels
of TV was a requirement.

By the way, who said Canadians
could play hockey? Didn't
some team from Denver win
the Stanley Cup this year?




Regarding the February 5 Suck
(so, I'm a bit behind in my
reading) - thank you for the
first real laugh (out loud,
went on for several minutes)
I've had since New Year's. I
am enormously grateful for
anything that makes me forget
Toronto in February.

Liza Herz <>

We understand that if you
work at Cosmo, you forget
Toronto entirely.



Since I myself have
experienced all of the above
in my own experiences with
the opposite sex, I can
relate. Actually, there were
many arguments... errr...
discussions that could have
been scripted out of How to
Grind Your Relationship to a
Screeching Halt in Six Weeks

And by the way, not all New
York schlemielmeisters have
hair so deep on their backs
that you could use a
lawnmower to cut it. Really.

I can see that the "nice guy"
isn't covered anywhere. Does
that mean that all nice guys
are really masking themselves
as a cross between a "guy's
guy" and "insecure man"?
Please tell. I have always
wondered who married the
truly genuine, harmless guy
who lacks any specific
"flair" in his personality,
but may actually be
emotionally stable.

Darren Reinig

p.s. Most bitter people are
not as funny as you. Why is

Unfortunately, most bitter
people don't have an editor.


Words, Words, Words

What's with these lugubrious
sorts who reject the lucidity
of your contributors? I'm
somewhat surprised no one
included Hippocrates' quote -
"The chief virtue that
language can have is
clearness, and nothing
detracts from it so much as
the use of unfamiliar words."

George Orwell said that "the
purpose of Newspeak... is to
make all other modes of
thought impossible." Here we
have it. Sesquipedalians
everywhere rejoice!

Brenda Stacy-George

Um... What?


Bombs, Bombs, Bombs

If you had three atomic bombs,
where would you drop them?

Sean McCullough
< >

We'd drop all three on your
house, you sick fuck.


Pop a Childproof Gap on Your

That is about the most true
thing I have read in quite a
while, thank you for placing
it here for people like me to
read. My name is Teddy

Mr. Thanks,

"Suck: The most truth money
can buy" was actually bandied
about as a potential Suck
catchphrase, but we decided
against it once we discovered
that dealing in half-truths
was all the market could


Ann O'Tate


High, homies.

Once again, you've captured
the dreaded zeitgeist of our
No-Grown-Up Society with
biting wit and keen

But claiming that tots with
baby cell phones and PDAs
"are more prepared than their
parents for the peculiar
challenges of modern workaday
life" is short-sighted.
Granted, my three-year-old
can probably program the VCR
better than me, but that
makes him better prepared for
my reality than for his

Kids today will have their own
peculiar set of challenges in
their grown-up life -
challenges that we can't even
begin to fathom right now. My
hope is that there will be
less emphasis on $ and work,
and that Suck will be there
to challenge the status quo,
no matter what it is.


Jody Lentz


Our marketing meetings must be
bugged. Once again, you've
come dangerously close to a
phrase on the Suck slogan
short list - "Suck:
Challenging the status quo,
no matter what it is." Don't
worry, when we find the leak,
we'll have him killed.

As for having "captured the
dreaded zeitgeist" - well, he's
a slippery beast, it's true.
You just have to use the
right bait. Crack, obviously,
works wonders.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em,

Ann O'Tate


A friend, 40-something, who
dates 20somethings and
10somethings, has a
philosophy: You're only young
once, but you can be immature

You might also access Freud on
infant sexuality, every
fashion model you can find on
the perils of reaching 20,
and whoever found that Glock
... what ARE
you guys doing in your spare

Nice article.


You work in management, don't
you? We can tell because
using nouns as verbs is a
mental virus you catch from
phone headsets and Lexus
steering wheels.

Not that we're knocking being
in management. Some of our
best friends are in
management. (Some of our
worst enemies too, but that's
another story.) Not
coincidentally, we're in
management. Which is why
we're very concerned about
this concept of "spare time"
that you brought up -
Sucksters are, according to
Wired Ventures policy, not
supposed to have any "spare
time." Hence, the employee
who found that link (we
traced the email, Owen) has
been fired. Thank you for
your concern.


Ann O'Tate